..News..

Ok, so Saturday evening I called M (bmom) after much pacing back and forth, lumps in my throat and butterflies in my stomach. I needed some time to process all of this before I blogged about it. I am still processing all of it...and although I feel 'good' about it...I still have such mixed thoughts and feelings. I feel rather vulnerable.

Here is how the conversation went (we talked for almost an hour)...

La (me): Hi, M?
M (my bmom): Yes?
La: M, this is La...
M: Oh hi, I’m so glad you called.
La: Did you get my letter?
M: Yes, I did. I was planning to write back, then I was going to just call you, but things have been very busy and well... *silence* You know that most of that report (she was referring to the non-identifying info report I got from the agency recently and copied it and sent it with my letter) is filled with lies...

M got defensive. I could tell in her tone that she was trying to defend herself and tell me what was true and not true...etc. Honestly, I don’t care about the report. It is what it is. I do want to talk to her about it at some point, but at this stage, it doesn’t really matter what it says. I think maybe she thought I would pin her on the report...but the call wasn’t about this.

La: Well, what did you think about my letter that I sent with it?
M: I think I’m ok with it. I’m willing to meet with you and talk.

Let me just say that M and I share the same difficulty to openly communicate our feelings. I am much better at this than I was some years ago. But I know that she finds communicating what she’s thinking and feeling, hard.

La: I am glad that you’re willing to talk with me. What I want to know though, is how do you feel about it? How do you feel about us opening the doors and trying to figure this out?

*silence*

M: Laurel, you are my daughter. You are my child and that will never change. If something were to happen to you tomorrow, I would grieve for you in the same way I would A (my half-bro) and H (half-sis). At the end of the day, you are my daughter.

I started tearing up at the ‘that will never change’ stage. But, I held it together. I didn’t want to go into the ugly cry.

M: So, if you want to meet to talk at the end of the month, then I can do that.
La: M, I have to tell you...the past twelve years since we first had (brief) contact have been very difficult to say the least. Over the past three to four years, things have settled down. I’m happy and well now...I love life...I have good people in my life...etc. About a year ago, I started to think that I needed to talk to you again. I planned on contacting you for a one time meeting...to ask you questions, tell you what I need you to know and then say goodbye and go our separate ways.

About six months ago, I’ve thought that maybe there is some way we can have a relationship. Because 5, 10 or 15 years from now, I need to be able to look back and be ok with our relationship. I need for both of us to be ok with it. For it to be as healthy as possible for all involved, regardless if we make the decision to continue to be in a relationship or not.

I don’t know where this is going to go. I don’t know what a relationship between us will look like. What I do know is that I’m willing to be open to you and to go slowly. I’m willing to write and call and plan a visit for the near future, but that I need to take things slow. If there’s hope for a relationship, we need to move slowly.

M: Well, I agree. I want a relationship with you. It doesn’t mean we’ll talk on a daily basis or visit often, but I would like to have you in my life.

We then exchanged numbers. I told her she could call me at work. She told me she finally has a computer and is very slow at it, but gave me her email address and I told her I’d send her an email in the next day or so, so she’d have my email address.

She told me what was up with A and H....where they were working and how they were. She told me about her sister who is struggling with cancer now. M, herself, is struggling with some health problems. She asked me if I was in touch with the birthfather...and I said no and that I have no intention of having contact with him...it’s not healthy.

La: M, can I ask you a question?
M: Sure, go ahead.
La: Did you think of keeping me?
M: Yes. I tried to figure out a way to keep you. But I didn’t have a choice, Laurel. It was you and me alone in an apartment...or my five and six year old children. I loved you...the same way I loved A and H, but my mother-in-law said she would have me declared an unfit mother and make sure my life was hell and would take A and H. I had no choice. I knew if I placed you, you would be safe...and A and H would be safe because I would still have them.
La: Do you regret placing me?
M: No. I don’t regret it. But that doesn’t mean my life wasn’t hell after I let you go. Unless you have a child and make the choice to give that child for adoption, you will never understand the grief involved with this decision. I spent days crying...all I wanted was to see your face and it was complete hell.

While she was saying the above, I was thinking about the birthmother’s blogs I’ve been reading lately...and they have really helped me in seeing a bit of the bigger picture.

We talked a bit more. I’m trying to remember it all, but it was a lot to take in. So bits and pieces keep popping into my head.

La: I should probably let you go.
M: Well, thank you so much for calling Laurel. This conversation wasn’t as awkward as I thought it might be...was it difficult for you?
La: It was very difficult for me to call you.
M: I am glad that you called...we’ll talk soon...ok?
La: Ok.
M: Well, take care...
La: M?
M: Yes?
La: Ummm...I do love you.

*silence*

La: M? Are you there?
M: I was just going to tell you that I love you, before you said it. I love you, too.

Then we said goodnight and hung up.