The Right Thing

M called me tonight. I didn’t answer.

Not because I didn’t want to talk to her...but because I was on my way home from work and didn’t hear my phone ring. I tend to have my music on quite loud in my car...depending on my mood...and today was a loud music day. Very loud. Anyhow, she left a message that she had just seen me on the local news and she was very excited. It made me teary. Not that I was on the news (it was work related), but her message...her voice...

I am so torn. I want to do the right thing...and it makes me cry. I don’t know yet what the ‘right thing’ is.

I was late meeting her last weekend. I left on time, stopped to buy her some flowers and made it to her town on time, but I got lost and stopped for directions...and ended up being 25 minutes late. This made me panic slightly...because she didn’t have a phone with her and I didn’t want her thinking that I wouldn’t show up. I pulled into the restaurant and walked in. It was sunny out and dark inside, so I couldn’t really see right away but heard her say my name and then saw her.

I walked over...she didn’t stand up, so I bent over and gave her a hug and her flowers. She didn’t really say much and placed the flowers on the shelf. The waitress came over and I asked for a drink...M already had ordered a drink. I sat down across from her and then she pulled out some pictures (of her as a baby and some of my half-bro carrying the Olympic torch), so I pulled my chair around so that I was sitting closer to her and looked at the pics.

We made some casual conversation. My goal was to not drill her and not react to any defensiveness she may have (because she had some during our two phone conversations) and to listen and be open. It was my intention to be open and willing to listen and to try to get to know this woman who carried me for nine months. But, then she started talking ‘adoption’ and so I did ask a few (what I thought of as light) questions.

One, why did she name me what she did? Her answer: in her fave soap opera...one of her fave characters was named Amber...so she thought it fitting to pass this on to me (I tried not to laugh then, but it has made me laugh since), she even gave me the characters middle name, too. Two, why was I a c-section baby? Her answer: she said I had a big head. She didn’t need to have a c-section with her previous two children. And, apparently I was in quite a bit of distress, so they finally took her in to surgery. Three, did she ask to see me after I was born? Her answer: no. She said if she saw me, it would be too difficult for her to give me up.

She shared with me that once she told her husband that she was pregnant with me (she was not sleeping w/her hubby), she needed to come to the ‘city’ and stay in the birthmother’s house adjacent to the adoption agency. Her family didn’t accept her. She also shared that after I was born and she returned home, she told her other two children (my half sibs), who were 6 and 7, that she had a baby and gave the baby to other parents. She said she couldn’t take me home because she wasn’t allowed...and that one day she hoped I would find them and to never talk about it again.

I’m not judging, but I can only imagine what went on inside their little heads. I have a niece, many young cousins and I used to nanny and believe in age appropriate answers/explanations. Often times, a simple answer and some reassurance will satisfy little people. I can only imagine what they thought of all of this.

...to be continued...