As the (adoption) world turns...

So...an update on my adoption world.

Things were difficult for about a month after I met with M at the beginning of June. I've realized that this particular issue has the ability to throw me completely for a loop. It's like I go back to age 10 and am completely powerless. I lose my words, my positive spirit and everything hurts. It has the ability to turn my world upside down, and man, that can be one fugly world.

The good news? I recognize it now. I'm very proud of myself, for this. Now - I can do something about it.

I realized that this issue has so NOT been dealt with. It was always pushed away, because it hurt and because I let myself be powerless with it all. You live and you learn...and thankfully, I'm in an awesome spot to deal with this now.

Is it easy? Heck no. Is it possible? Absolutely. One step at a time.

The only way to the other side is to go through it. I don't know how long that will take and that is ok. I am a person who likes to deal and move on...but I recognize that this is a lifelong issue. I know that it runs so very deep and is tangled with so many emotions, thoughts and experiences. But because I "get" IT now - I know that I can take my time...and that it will be ok.

It's hard to stay in it. And when I say in it...it's very hard not to run away from this issue. It's hard NOT to call M and tell her that I wish her a great life and goodbye. Now, I don't want to do this often...but in moments of grief and emotions, I certainly get the urge to run. I am forcing myself to stay...and remind myself that this is the most healthy thing I can do for myself. I'm the only one who can do this for me. No one is going to save me (not that I need to be saved). I have to do this for myself.

Last Tuesday afternoon I called M from work just to say hi. The conversation is often awkward and quiet...and there is talk about the weather...what we both had for lunch...etc. Then...we discovered a common interest. Get ready....buckle your seatbelts...what is it? Dog the Bounty Hunter!!!! I LOVE Dog...and have been a fan since the beginning (not to mention I met him and Beth last summer). I know...you're thinking, are you kidding me?! Nope.

So we discussed Dog and his visit here...what he and Beth were like and about the show in general and the drama about his use of some really vulgar language (which to me was completely unacceptable). We then discovered our mutual love of the A&E channel.

Then a more important/difficult subject...our relationship. I told her that I had supper with Sally during the show...and that Sally wanted to hear about our first meeting. I think M is rather interested in Sally, she seems to kinda perk up when I talk about our discussions. So, I told M about Sally asking if M might be willing to meet her if she were to come along for lunch/tea when we meet next. This is the conversation between M and I when I brought this up...

Me: So, do you think you would be ok if Sally came along? She said she'd like to meet you.
M: Hmmm...well...
Me: Remember that Sally is a seasoned professional adoption-wise and she worked for years and years with all sides of the adoption table.
M: Well, has she read the non-identifying info?
Me: (I was kinda caught off guard.) Ummmm...actually, no, I never really thought about showing her, although...
M: *cuts me off* You know most of it is lies.
Me: Yes, I know you said that before and that's fair enough and we can talk about it, no one is making judgements. Is it ok if I show Sally? Maybe she can answer some of your questions?
M: Well... *silence*
Me: M, listen, you know how Sally came back into my life. I have to tell you that she's been a huge blessing to me. I trust her completely, she always has kept her word and I know she doesn't judge. I was surprised when she said she'd like to meet you...but maybe she has something to offer you in this situation? Maybe she has something to offer us together.
M: Ok...sure, we could meet for lunch, the three of us. Will she have read the non-id info?
Me: I can give it to her before then and I'm sure she would read it.
M: Ok.

Now...I have to find that info. I don't know where I put it...and honestly, I don't want to read it. I know what's in it. And, that is enough. Again...it can turn my world upside down...and I need to focus on the truth and the present and future.

M then said that she's glad our relationship is 'so good' now. I said that I, too, am glad we're communicating, but that I feel like our relationship is on rocky ground. And it is. For me, we're just at the beginning. Bless her for hanging in there though...sheesh. I know that for her, it is good. She has me in her life...my door is open...and she loves to hear from me and see me. That's all she really needs for things to be 'so good'.

Because of that...I realize that my feelings/issues are not hers. I do want/need to have some difficult conversations with her at some point...but my 'shit', is not necessarily hers. There's a lot I need to deal with...on my own, in regard to adoption. What I first thought might be necessary to tell her...is probably not necessary. It's my junk. It's not OUR junk.

I'm relieved that I'm at this point. It's progress...and it's good progress. One day at a time.

Tomorrow I'm going to church with Sally...and my best bud, Cornpop, is coming too. I can't wait to see Sally. And we're hanging sometime this week, too. Then I'm meeting another friend in the afternoon for a quick tea and some conversation. THEN, I'm going to a retro-hat-tea-party-wedding-shower in the late afternoon. I'm excited for all of it.