Surrendering...

I think I need to learn to do this...on many levels...for many reasons. I'm still around...still kickin'...life has been interesting and busy. So...I'll leave the following words by Rhonda Britten (her blog is linked here...):

"Learning to forgive yourself for the ways you put yourself last will help you put the past behind you. If you can't forgive yourself, the likelihood of you achieving clarity is reduced. Forgiveness provides clarity and clarity encourages insights and that supports change in behavior. When you forgive yourself or another, it does not mean you agree with their behavior, but rather it is about letting go of your need to be right so you can move forward."

Emotions are only temporary...

...and thank goodness for that.

Emotions and feelings are so intense sometimes...surrounding the adoption issues, that it literally knocks me off of my feet. My clarity completely disappears. I go inward (and downward). It's just runs so deep and heavy and, ugh, it just is so difficult and painful sometimes.

I said a prayer Sunday evening before bed...for peace...clarity...the ability to put this aside and deal with a little at a time. I prayed for patience and courage and strength and healing. I'll save the longer version of this story, but I woke up in the middle of the night...and felt like the heaviness of it all...was taken away...sucked up...my heart felt more free and my mind more clear and organized.

The issues aren't gone. They are there, sitting there...in plain view, ready to be sifted through. But...the pain and complexity of it all has lessened. I can do this. I feel more like my bright self. I believe in myself. And, I believe in others.

I'm writing my bmom a short note today...via normal snail mail, to tell her that I'm not 'leaving', but I do need a bit of space. (I feel like I already wrote this on my blog?) I'm telling her that I will be in touch after September 15th. I am super busy until then anyway, so I wouldn't have much time right now to be in contact with her or see her. But, I need some space.

I need to think about what is best for me. I need to sort through my feelings...and feel them...and think about where they're going and why they are here. I need to give myself time...which is a bit difficult, because I would like to just plow through it for a few days and be done. Life doesn't work like that.

I am on vacation ALLLLLLLLLLL of next week, which I am thrilled about. I'm praying for sun so I can hit the beach. ANDDDD...if it's sunny next Saturday...I might get a beach day with Sally, which would rock. I really do need to blog about our other beach day...I never did that.

...the tears...

I went to church with Sally this morning. A little over halfway through, the tears started...and just came pouring out. I sat with my elbows on my knees and hung my head down and sobbed. While I was crying, I was also asking God to please help me right now...to give some peace to my heart, so that I CAN make it through.

The tears were never ending today. They would not stop. And it wasn't tears that come down your face in neat lines...all pretty like. They were like a torrential down-pour that took off my mascara. Ugly. And, to be honest...I could burst into them again at any time. I'm simply holding back because I have relatives arriving soon.

Sally was beside me and rubbed my back with one hand and put her other on my knee. On a touching note, her two sons were sitting on my left and her youngest one, who is 13, I think, touched my arm and then gave me a few pats on my shoulder before he got up and left towards the end of the service.

Sally said, "Talk to me..." But I didn't know what to say. I feel wordless...all that I could do was cry. She dropped off her boys at her mother's, then dropped off a friend in the city and we met for lunch. She asked me what was/is going on. I briefly touched on a few things...but I couldn't get the words out. There was so much more that I wanted to say...but I couldn't say it.

And I can't right now. There's basically only one person in the world that remembers what was going on five years ago to this month...and she's no longer in my life.

Sally talked and gave me advice...which I need to follow. The biggest piece being to stay in the present...and stop making things so complicated when they don't have to be. To focus on the here and now and what decisions I have to make for today. She said she thinks I grab on to the past...and pull it in to today...and then grab onto the future...and pull IT into today...and then things get all muddled up and far more complex than they need to be.

*sigh*

I'm wordless. Still.

You will be let go...

I was reading Jann Arden's blog yesterday (www.jannarden.com) - for those of you who don't know who I'm talking about, she's a Canadian singer, songwriter and musician. I love her gritty/earthy voice and her lyrics can make me cry, smile and breathe a sigh of relief, sometimes all in the same song. She's often able to put into words what life is really about.

Her latest blog spoke to my heart, simply because it is about life and the difficulty of continuing on, when it gets very painful and confusing. It is also about the beauty that life holds for us, day in and out (whether we choose to see the beauty, or not). She wrote: "You just have to keep going. Life isn't perfect. There will be waves of sadness that hold you down and make you hold your breath for awhile, but waves don't last. They let you up for air eventually and that's what you have to remember. You will be let go. You will be coughed back up on the shores of happiness. To NOT acknowledge sadness is to NOT be human. Happiness has nothing to push itself off of be it not for simple grief."

I feel like I am stuck under a wave of sadness at the moment. Granted - it does seem to break here and there, thank goodness, but for the most part...it's been continuous since I got that email from Wendy, had the argument with my mom and got the call from M. It's a wave of sadness...that seems to have settled in for the time being.

It's difficult for me to stay in this spot. I desperately want to run. I dislike the waves of sadness. Of grief. Of anger. I feel a bit like I'm treading water...and the waves come over me and quite frankly, I'm sick of it. It's such a mix of emotions that it's scary to stay in it. Yet, I think that staying in it is so necessary for healing. Hurting now, is necessary for happiness later.

I'm desperately trying to acknowledge my sadness. To just allow myself to be where I am, even if it's very uncomfortable (and let me tell you...it is).

I remind myself that this will not be forever. I remind myself that I will be 'let up' and I will again feel happiness. But when you're under the wave, it's difficult to imagine that you'll ever see the sun again.

I do, I think, need to take a step back from all of this adoption stuff. I need a break. I don't know for how long or what that looks like, but I do know that right now, I need to take a step back and sit with it. I'm unsure how I need to approach M on this...to let her know I'm not running away, but that I do need space. I guess I'll figure that out. I just want to enjoy the rest of the summer...and I'm organizing a suicide prevention event for World Suicide Prevention Day and then I have some family stuff going on right after that, which I need to be present for.

I can't force any of this. I can't rush through it. I need to get sucked down by the waves...and as painful as this is, it also provides clarity. So that when I'm 'coughed back up', I can see the sun more clearly. I need to be patient with this...and with myself.

Darkness and light go together. You can't have one without the other - it's impossible. Without light, you wouldn't know darkness and without darkness you would not be able to feel and appreciate the light.

Life IS both.

Not a tropical paradise, but...

I've been on vacation the past week. Vacation meaning off work, not necessarily away in some tropical paradise. I wish.

I did spend a couple of nights with a dear friend of mine - A - and her hubby and two teenage kiddos. I met her when I was in my last year of high school in '96. I started to babysit for her two kids - she had recently split from her now ex-hubby - one was a little over a year old, I think and the other was around four years old. They were adorable - they still are - and A and I connected and have been close friends since. Mind you, it hasn't been all joyous in our friendship - more on that another day - but it has been one of the deepest, closest, comforting relationships I've ever had. For that, I'm blessed.

It was really nice to visit with them...for many reasons. I love seeing them and spending time with them and it had been awhile, but most of all, I needed a break from my 'stuff' - aka my adoption issues. I needed a distraction, some love and a change of scenery to get a different perspective on all of my 'stuff'. I got all of that and more.

I spent yesterday with my 11 year old cousin, at the pottery studio, then the mall...which involved me holding her purse and numerous clothes while she piled more on top of me to try on. Sheesh. And why are the clothes so damn small? My cousin IS small. Her body is basically perfect...she's healthy and athletic...but the clothes are SO small. One would have to practically be anorexic to fit in them.

We spent the day together again today and it was my pick of what to do, so we went to the beach! I love the beach. This time I lathered myself in sunscreen (I got super burnt when I went to the beach with Sally a few weeks back - which I still need to write about) and it was a perfect beach day. A breeze...the sun...it was yummy.

I'm back to work on Monday and I have to say I'm dreading it. I don't want to go back. I should have taken two weeks off together. I'm not enjoying my job at the moment. And then there's the adoption stuff... It's a rough ride.

I have so many blogs in my head...waiting to come out...get ready...

Patience.

A heavy heart

My heart hurts right now...it just feels so heavy, adoption-wise. I want that feeling of the weight off of my shoulders.

I feel so confused, angry, hurt and just...sad.

I want some clarity.

Wendy's email wasn't the only thing that happened last week. My mother and I got into a huge argument...and it wasn't good and WAS adoption related. Then, my bmom called me at work, unsure about a relationship between us.

My heart just hurts...a lot. I don't know how else to put it.

Love is not enough

In 2003, I had no contact with my birthfamily whatsoever. I wanted to find my sister on my birthfather’s side, so I searched his last name – not a common last name – and came upon Wendy. I did not know who she was, how she was related or if she knew my birthfather or my sister…but I knew she would know of them. She lived in the same town and because their last name is rare, I decided to take my chances.

I emailed Wendy. At that time, I was a live-out nanny for a family with two small children, ages 18 months and three years old. I emailed a short and polite email, stating that I was looking for D (my birthfather, although I didn’t specify that he was my bfather) and his daughter, J. I didn’t give her anymore information about myself…and I actually changed my name. By that time, I had already met D face to face.

Wendy replied almost immediately and said that she was married to Mike, D’s brother. She said that she could get in touch with D and J, but that she wouldn’t give out their contact info and asked what I was looking for and why.

Something in her reply made me feel like I could trust her. I sent another vague email and she replied back quickly. At that point, I decided to tell her how I knew D and who I was. I didn’t give out my full name, but I did say that D was my birthfather and that I was looking for my sister, but didn’t want to upset anyone and that she was the first contact that came up when I searched for D’s last name.

Somehow we never got to talking too much about J or me meeting her. We talked a bit about D and she shared some basic info with me that I didn’t know. But mostly, we hit it off and started emailing on a daily basis and chatting on MSN. She knew about me…their family knew about me. My uncle Mike thought it was cool that Wendy and I were in touch. They had been married for many years, had a young son, around the age of 8 and both had an education, good jobs, a house and a cottage and a good life (all something most of my bfamily doesn’t have). No one on their side, other than Mike, knew Wendy and I were in contact.

We met one evening in July of ’03 when Wendy, Mike and their son came to see me sing in an annual large production show. She gave me their seat info and I nervously scoped them out during the show. Now, the show was large enough where I could easily find them – knowing the arena – but they couldn’t necessarily pick me out…because of such a large cast. At intermission, I dragged my friend with me…and went to stand at the top of their section, debating about whether or not to go down the stairs and say hello. Around the corner came a handsome dark haired man and a young boy. Our eyes connected and he said, “Laurel?” I said, “Mike?” And then he put his arms around me, kissed me on the cheek and squeezed hard.

I met Wendy that night, too. There was a connection. I really loved the both of them. It was comfortable with them. We talked a lot from that night on and I went to their cottage to hang out…and the rest was history. Wendy and I became tight… I fell in love with Mike (in an uncle/niece way…he’s a really great man/father/hubby) and I was glad to have a relationship with someone who shared my blood.

Sadly…our relationship became rocky. I had adoption issues not worked out. And then there were the lies being told from their side regarding our relationship – I was being kept a secret and my bfather didn’t know they were seeing me. It was complicated and complex. It was difficult. It was sad and ugly and hurtful and selfish, on both our parts. We needed a rule book on how to develop a relationship with family you never knew you had…but there wasn’t one.

We stopped contact for 10 months at one period…and then I ended contact last January. January 18th, 2007, to be exact.

Today, I got an email from Wendy. Completely out of the blue…an invite to their yearly family party at their lake house. The party that I was invited to, then uninvited to, that first year we made contact…in order for my birthfather to ‘save face’. And in order for them to keep the lies straight…since no one knew about me…and my own bfather didn’t know they knew me. The party where my birthfather and his band play music for the evening on the deck. The party where all of my birthfamily (paternal side) get together…as a family.

I feel like I’m in one of those snow globes. The kind that you pick up and shake…and everything swirls around inside and things get tangled up and messy. All of the stuff inside eventually settles…but never in the same place. Things are never the same again. I feel like I’m being shaken without enough time to let things settle again…in my adoption world.

In her last email sent January 18th, 2007, Wendy said she loved me. She said she wished the best for me (she also told me to go to hell in the email previous to that – although I know she said it out of hurt) and hoped my life would be good. But…if she really meant that…why wouldn’t she just never contact me again? She knows how deep this issue runs for me. She knows how complicated and complex it was and is.

Love is supposed to be enough.

It wasn’t.

Love wasn’t enough to save our relationship. I love Wendy and Mike. I know they love me. But love…is simply, not enough.

I so wish it were.