The Test

Not too much happenin’ around here! Very busy at work this week, so that has been my main focus.

(FYI - I have not proofed this entry, and I normally do!)

I saw my dentist today, for a cleaning and check up. My chipped tooth was no biggie…and only needed some quick filing down which didn’t hurt whatsoever! I do, however, need two fillings. If you know me face to face…you know how obsessed I am about my teeth, keeping them flossed and brushed. I didn’t have any cavities until I hit around 25 years old…and now I have two more. The dentist says it’s just my enamel and that nothing can be done and to just keep on cleanin’ ‘em. So…as my dentist knows…I have mega anxiety over visits to the dentist. Yep. I’ve been known to cry. I can’t help it. So, we’ll do the two fillings in one visit in the very near future.

In the back of mind, I have been thinking a bit about my birthmother this week…and what – if anything – I still need to say to her. Would I have any regrets in regard to her, if she were to pass away tomorrow? This could, very well, happen. Her passing away, I mean (she has many health problems and is not well in general).

If you’re a regular reader, or have read my story from the beginning or touched on the highlights…you’ll know that I HAVE tried with M, my birthmother. Our last communication was…well, devastating, hurtful and it broke my heart.

If you know me…you will know that I care about the people in my life, very deeply. If you’re my friend – I care about YOU very much. I’m forgiving. I’m loving. I’m honest. When I love…I love with my whole heart. I don’t let go easily. If I ever ‘let go’ of someone…you have to know that I’ve worked my butt off to make the relationship work and that something big has to happen in order for me to let go and close the door. (And even then…I STILL care.)

Last night, I dragged myself to church class and quite frankly, didn’t want to be there. I was tired, hungry and just had a general poor attitude.

Pastor R began talking about the way you can choose to live your life. You can live it by Plan A – which is God’s way or by Plan B – which is My (or Your) way. It’s very easy to live by Plan B, because that’s how humans tend to bend…we rationalize the reasons why OUR way is correct. After all, when you look into the mirror, you see your own face, you are with yourself 24/7 and it’s easy to talk ourselves into (of out of) something we, as humans, want and believe we may need. We spend a lot of time and energy investing ourselves into which path we want to take.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean upon your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.”

Then…Pastor R decided to veer away from the notes and give us a tangible example and I was riveted towards him. Talk about light-bulb moments!

When we are in school…towards the end of the year/semester we write tests and exams. The teacher tests us on what we’ve learned and we either pass, or fail. Now, think about the process that happens…on the day you write your test. You go into the classroom, sit at the desk, then what does the teacher do? She hands out the tests…face down. Then what does she do? She reminds the students NOT to start until she says so. She tells you to flip it over and begin.

Once you begin…you may raise your hand and ask a question like, “Mrs. Smith, I don’t understand number three…” What does Mrs. Smith reply with? “Well, Lucy, I’m sorry, but this is a test and we’ve covered the subject material, so you’ll just have to do your best.” Of course, Mrs. Smith reminds the class that cheating is not acceptable and to keep your own eyes on your own paper. Then…once the allotted amount of time passes…Mrs. Smith announces that time is up. But, you says, “Wait, Mrs. Smith! I just need to write three more sentences on the essay question…” And Mrs. Smith replies with, “I’m sorry Lucy, but you have had enough time to write the test, there is no time left, please hand it in.”

Followin’ me so far?

If you’ve attended your classes, done your homework, made sure to study and understand whatever subject it is…one would guess you’d do okay on your test. But, your score is determined by your work.

Now, think of the teacher as God and whatever circumstances that are in your life as the subject and material you need to learn and master. Think of something that is perhaps difficult – something that you find challenging. Perhaps it’s an issue that keeps popping up in your life over and over. Are you dealing with an issue that feels like it just won’t go away? Are you dealing with painful stuff…and you wonder why it won’t ‘just go away’? Is a certain person in your life continuing to treat you in a particular way…and you wonder why, but then wonder why it’s STILL happening some years later?

As Pastor R explained…often times…when things are difficult…and we believe that God is sitting idly by and not ‘helping’ (our own assumption), he’s waiting for us to write the test. He is waiting for us to put down those answers that he has offered to us – sometimes over and over. And when we say, “Lord, where are you?!” He is silently saying, “This is your test time. I’ve given you the answers…now it’s time to write the test.” After we struggle and stomp our feet, we may begin the test and suddenly, it’s pulled away. We may say, “But Lord, I wasn’t done.” Again, He may silently say, “Time is up. You had the time to complete the test. Time is up.”

Now – don’t worry too much. Because…as you know…He will bring another round of classes and lessons and offer another opportunity to write the test and pass (in His time, not yours). But – do you notice it? Or, are you going to keep on passing up the lessons and fail the test again on try number 324? Because, He WILL give you the same test again. And He WILL give it to you for as many times as you need in order to pass it.

When things are most difficult, we can tend to doubt God and His agenda. It’s easy to think He’s not there. It’s easy to assume He doesn’t care. But the fact is…He is and He does. He’s there…cheering you on as you write the test. And, He WANTS you to pass it. In fact, these are the times when you grow the most…when God tests you.

Be quiet. Listen. To Him.

So this brings me back to M. And…because my half-bro, A, contacted me (he hasn’t since contacted me to rearrange our lunch date), I wonder if this is another opportunity to write this test.

I desperately want to do the right thing…to get IT right…now. And, I recognize that M might not be here forever…and if she – physically – is part of this test…I can’t not do this.

I still care…even if she doesn’t.

And, I think I’d rather live by Plan A than by Plan B.