My heart remembers

This time of year weighs on my heart. It’s ‘reunion anniversary’ time of the year. In 1996, we (my parents, since I was in high school still) found my birthmom in January and sent off a registered letter. She called collect in the middle of Superbowl Sunday and we met the following weekend.

I can remember every second of it all.

While I remember every detail of that time, my mind doesn’t always necessarily remember the dates, connect the dots or put together that, hey, remember back in 1996 when you met the woman that gave you life? Instead, I normally start to feel bummed out, sad, slightly grumpy and out of sorts. I begin to buy comfort food (read: junk), want to sleep more and see friends and family less. I get anxious and avoid crowds. I’m just not my normal self. Then, it’s like out of the blue…I think, what the heck is going on? And then, like recently, I’m in the middle of some random daily activity (this year it was while I was slicing up green peppers to put into a spaghetti sauce I was making) and it clicks. Fifteen years ago…at this time…I was reuniting with my first-mom, Marg. The woman that I dreamed about, longed for and wished to connect with, since as far back as I can remember.

My brain doesn’t remember…but my heart never fails to forget. My heart always remembers.

It seems to weigh even more, this year…since my birth-mom has been gone for about four and a half months. (I know, I still have more to share about the last time I saw her and her funeral service – I just haven’t been able to ‘go there’,) After her passing and funeral, I felt like I was dealing with it all pretty well. I found great comfort in my last two visits with her. Really, it was some kinda divine intervention that provoked my half-sibling and his father to contact me and let me know Marg was dying.

But, now? It’s all fresh. It’s like a delayed grief reaction. It’s not just ‘reunion anniversary’ time. It’s ‘reunion anniversary, the woman that gave you life is gone and none of the family want you around’ time.

I miss her.