I received an email this morning from Wendy (bfather's brother's wife). She sent me a forwarded email, but it was sent to only me. She doesn't normally send me emails of any kind. Our last email exchanges were light and friendly. I opened my door, she seemingly wanted in, I told her I'd love to see her and Mike and she agreed. But then, nothing. This is her thing. Oh yes, yes, Laurel...we want to be a part of your life...blah blah blah. I say, well, my schedule is open, would love to hang, be in touch. And nothing. Thankfully, over the past two years I've been in a space where I'm able to be perfectly fine if I do, or don't, hear from her. No expectations. That was a longggg time coming!
(Btw, the forwarded email was about 'What if there isn't *anymore*?'. It's basically about how we don't realize that the little moments we have now, can one day just disappear and be gone. How we can lose the opportunities for 'anymore'. People can die, friends can leave, etc. And then it ends...if I don't wake up tomorrow, know that I love ya.)
I get that THIS is how she just is. I suspect - now - that she is like this to not only me. (I hope so, anyway. Maybe I'm off.) It's very Wendy-ish to talk the talk, but not walk the walk. It's Wendy-ish to say how much she wants us to connect again and build a better relationship and that she's gonna call and then not take any steps towards that. In fact, it would also be very Wendy-ish to start hitting below the belt, too. Watch out if she feels threatened in ANY way. She'll just start to throw punches that don't even necessarily hold any truth. THAT is just Wendy (and is not the one I like).
But, I also know the Wendy that she doesn't want anyone to know. The one that is insecure. The one that holds people at arms-length in an attempt to not ever get hurt. The Wendy that gets hurt easily. The Wendy that buys these amazing cards that speak what she's really feeling, but only signing 'Wendy' to them. I know the Wendy that did open her door to me when I contacted her in 2003, completely out of the blue.
I know the Wendy that let down her guard enough to let me in. I know the Wendy that sat with me - the first time I stayed with her and Mike - 'til 2 am just chatting and sharing. I know the Wendy that willingly wrestled with me the next night on the damp grass and didn't flinch when Mike poked his head out the door telling us he was going to bed and rolling his eyes. I know the Wendy that painted my nails, hugged me lots (even though she's not a touchy-feely gal), gave me advice, believed in me and would smack my butt if I bent down anywhere near her.
THAT'S the Wendy that I want in my life. I want that connection with my birthfam. I just don't know that I'm strong enough right now, to open that door again. A few months back, I'd be able to shoot her off an email and say hey...but today, I don't know that I'm strong enough to do that without expectations attached. I have so much going on in my life at the moment that is very heavy and pressing, that I'm not in a great space to rationally think this one through, right now. I don't feel strong enough.
I'm hoping that if I sit with it for a day or two, my feelings might change.
0 comments:
Post a Comment