...Standing in Faith...

A Year Later

2011-09-13T10:37:00.000-07:00

The truth is...she is in my thoughts more than once a day - every hour, lately. It will be a year on Thursday that Marg passed away and to be honest, I'm a wreck. It's like I'm stuck in the middle of, well...a tsunami of grief.

I saw a therapist last Wednesday and I wasn't going to cry. I'm not a big crier, if I cry, the world has to be pretty much falling apart. Apparently - by the looks of it - it is.

The therapist thinks that I never grieved for Marg. That I hid my feelings mostly, because I didn't feel that I even had the right to grieve. Why would I grieve for someone I was in and out of a relationship with? Why would I grieve for someone that placed me for adoption? Why would I grieve for someone that my half-siblings told me - at the funeral - wasn't mine and that I wasn't welcome or a part of their family.

It's complicated. The emotions. She's my birthmother.

Last year, only two people recognized my loss and sent a card to me. One of them was the adoptive mother of a boy I grew up with. The second was a friend of my mother's.

That's it.

Think about it. There aren't any 'sorry your first mom died' cards. And trust me when I tell you that when someone asks why you were off work for a few days and you reply, 'My birthmother died...I'm adopted,' they turn red and they look like they want to crawl into a hole.

I still feel like I need to hide my grief. I still feel unvalidated. I still feel like a dork when I can barely swallow the lump in my throat and make it from my office to my car before I collapse. (I still feel like I should have no reason to feel the way I do.)

I feel so alone and my heart hurts.

The Truth

2011-08-22T20:08:00.000-07:00

Request for prayers

2011-08-15T17:58:00.000-07:00

As I do every morning when I get into my office, grab my cup of tea and log into my computer...I come here, to my blog and then take a quick peek at my fave blogs to see if they've been updated since the day before. This morning I clicked on Melissa's blog at Full Circle and had to read her last post, a few times. All I wanted to do was reach through the computer screen and squeeze her tightly.

I'm posting this simply to ask that you keep her, and her family, in your prayers and send love her way. Her husband died suddenly this weekend and though I have never met her, or him, in person...I feel like I know them - at least know their character. Both have amazing hearts and overflowing love for each other and their kiddies.

Life is so fragile.

Mr. T

2011-07-25T08:41:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've been walking in a circle today, without a purpose or destination.

My phone rang yesterday evening around 5 pm and on the other end was a friend, with news. The kind that makes your stomach turn inside out. I'm still in complete shock.

Our friend, Tom, passed away yesterday in the very early morning hours. He was 37. I've known him for six years and met him at my last place of employment and saw him just a couple of weeks ago. He was in Marketing, I was in Communications and we became two peas in a pod. I loved his Scottish self.

Tom had been at a get together on Saturday evening and stayed over at the house he was visiting. In the night - early morning hours - he got up for some reason and fell down a flight of stairs and died instantly. Gone. Dreams. A job. Friends. Family. Future kids. Gone. Everything...gone.

His mother, father and one of his sisters are flying from Scotland to Canada later this week. His mother needs to see him and then they will escort him home.

I feel like I'm in a daze and am wondering why the rest of the world has not stopped, too. Doesn't everyone realize what happened? Yet, life just keeps on going...forcing me to keep on going.

It's impossible to sum up the kind of person Tom was without writing a complete book. He was the kind of guy that would give his last penny to anyone that needed it. He was the kind of guy that when he gave his word and said he'd do something, or be there, he would follow through. He was the kind of guy that never (NEVER) said one negative word about another person. He was also the kind of guy that would fall asleep at his desk (in his defense, during June and July we would work 18 hour days for a run of 3 to 4 weeks without a day off) and wouldn't notice as we used a packing tape gun to tape his legs TO his desk. He was the kind of guy that would have a burping contest to see how much of the alphabet he could burp out in one go. He was the kind of guy that wore a suit and tie - even on weekends. He was a sarcastic, caring, crazy smart and talented guy.

I just can't imagine this world without him. It just doesn't feel right.

Simply put, he was amazing.

A 'Moment'

2011-07-20T07:07:00.000-07:00

I had a 'moment' Tuesday evening.

I was sitting on my couch, cleaning out my purse and organizing my bills and personal papers, listening to my laundry thump around in my dryer, sipping Sprite and munching on some Lays and watching And Then She Found Me, which stars Helen Hunt and Bette Midler. It's kind of an odd flick (aired on OWN) - I'd give it, overall, about a 5.5 out of 10 - but basically Helen Hunt is an adult (married) adoptee that wants to have her own child to have 'someone like me' and Bette Midler is her birthmother (and is famous). Midler searches out Hunt, who doesn't really seem to want any type of relationship with her birthmom, but Midler is persistent. A strange, yet intimate, relationship develops between the two and in the end - like in the last minute of the movie - Midler ends up funding Hunt's adoption of a daughter from China.

It was the relationship between daughter (Hunt) and mother (Midler) that drew me in. What started out as awkward and needy, turned into a deep connection that they both needed, but didn't know they did until they met. When they get somewhat comfortable with each other, daughter finds out that mother had actually kept her for the first year of her life and then placed her, because she (admittedly), "Wanted a life (career) more than I wanted you." Upon finding this out, daughter's world is turned upside down and mother basically stalks the daughter until she will speak to her and allow her to apologize. Upon this moment...daughter lays it on the table and says that the mother can make things better by paying for the cost of the procedures that will allow daughter to become preggers.

I know...I know...the drama of it all! It's a movie, remember.

The 'moment' hit when mother was at the doctor's office with daughter, who was about to have a procedure that would knock her up.

As the doctor was about to start, the mother said to the daughter, "Well, don't you want to pray first?" The daughter was raised Jewish and would pray before she'd even eat a morsel of food. The daughter declined. The mother asked the doctor if they could have a couple minutes alone. The mother tells the daughter to pray and again, daughter declined. The mother then grabs her daughter's arms and demands her to pray (note: mother is not religious whatsoever). This goes back and forth and builds up until the daughter breaks. She admits that after everything that's happened over the last year of her life has made her doubt in a God. Long story short, she and her mother connect in this scene in a way they hadn't before. To the core. The doctor's come in, daughter goes to get on the table - stops to pray out loud - and mother puts her hand on her daughter's arm. (Of course, like I noted above, she ends up adopting from China, in the end.)

It was during this scene, when I had my 'moment'. And the tears came pouring out as I went over my relationship and connection with my birthmom in my mind.

What we had and didn't.

What could have been and won't be.

My heart went back to the last time I saw Marg. She was in a coma and in the palliative care ward. She looked so small and precious in the bed, resting comfortably. Her favourite country tunes were playing in the background on the tape player. On a dry erase board, a note was written in my half-sister's writing, "If Mom's music stops, please turn the tape over and press play - these are her favourite songs." The tape stopped, I turned it over and pressed play. (No one knew I was there, other than two nurses that let me into her room - I wasn't on the 'ok visitors' list, but my tears and explanation that she was my first mom gave me immediate access to her room. Bless these nurses.)

I don't want to share all of the details of my last moments with Marg. It's too intimate. But, I did hold her hand, brushed her hair, kissed her nose and said 'see you later' in the way that felt most right at the moment. I told her that I loved her.

I know that Marg and I connected the way we did and that things worked out the way that they were meant to be. There are good memories. I do wish things had been different...adoption robs...but I don't have regret. It just made me sad that she will never get to meet my future children. HER grandchildren.

My children, will be Marg's grandchildren. Mine will be hers and hers will be mine.

What a gift that will be. To us both.

And this all came from one movie.

As the adoption world turns...

2011-07-18T09:50:00.000-07:00

I received an email this morning from Wendy (bfather's brother's wife). She sent me a forwarded email, but it was sent to only me. She doesn't normally send me emails of any kind. Our last email exchanges were light and friendly. I opened my door, she seemingly wanted in, I told her I'd love to see her and Mike and she agreed. But then, nothing. This is her thing. Oh yes, yes, Laurel...we want to be a part of your life...blah blah blah. I say, well, my schedule is open, would love to hang, be in touch. And nothing. Thankfully, over the past two years I've been in a space where I'm able to be perfectly fine if I do, or don't, hear from her. No expectations. That was a longggg time coming!

(Btw, the forwarded email was about 'What if there isn't *anymore*?'. It's basically about how we don't realize that the little moments we have now, can one day just disappear and be gone. How we can lose the opportunities for 'anymore'. People can die, friends can leave, etc. And then it ends...if I don't wake up tomorrow, know that I love ya.)

I get that THIS is how she just is. I suspect - now - that she is like this to not only me. (I hope so, anyway. Maybe I'm off.) It's very Wendy-ish to talk the talk, but not walk the walk. It's Wendy-ish to say how much she wants us to connect again and build a better relationship and that she's gonna call and then not take any steps towards that. In fact, it would also be very Wendy-ish to start hitting below the belt, too. Watch out if she feels threatened in ANY way. She'll just start to throw punches that don't even necessarily hold any truth. THAT is just Wendy (and is not the one I like).

But, I also know the Wendy that she doesn't want anyone to know. The one that is insecure. The one that holds people at arms-length in an attempt to not ever get hurt. The Wendy that gets hurt easily. The Wendy that buys these amazing cards that speak what she's really feeling, but only signing 'Wendy' to them. I know the Wendy that did open her door to me when I contacted her in 2003, completely out of the blue.

I know the Wendy that let down her guard enough to let me in. I know the Wendy that sat with me - the first time I stayed with her and Mike - 'til 2 am just chatting and sharing. I know the Wendy that willingly wrestled with me the next night on the damp grass and didn't flinch when Mike poked his head out the door telling us he was going to bed and rolling his eyes. I know the Wendy that painted my nails, hugged me lots (even though she's not a touchy-feely gal), gave me advice, believed in me and would smack my butt if I bent down anywhere near her.

THAT'S the Wendy that I want in my life. I want that connection with my birthfam. I just don't know that I'm strong enough right now, to open that door again. A few months back, I'd be able to shoot her off an email and say hey...but today, I don't know that I'm strong enough to do that without expectations attached. I have so much going on in my life at the moment that is very heavy and pressing, that I'm not in a great space to rationally think this one through, right now. I don't feel strong enough.

I'm hoping that if I sit with it for a day or two, my feelings might change.

Sisters

2011-06-14T10:27:00.001-07:00

My sister. My older half-sister, more specifically. This could be a doozy, folks.

When my bmom had me, she was married and had two children (ages 5 and 6). They both shared a father that was not my father. I grew up believing that I had two older sisters (turned out, one was a brother – mistake in the paper work – so I will only refer to my actual sister in this post) and I longed for my siblings. I longed for my sister. My big sister.

There was – and IS – a primal connection that my sister and I share. It has always been there. From the moment that we met (the day I first saw my bmom, face to face) it was instant. We didn’t know each other…but, boy…we KNEW each other. I can’t explain the connection, but it’s one that some sisters share. The ability to communicate without words. The same mannerisms. A connection that made it comfortable enough to immediately sit beside/on top of one another and speak out whatever came into our minds. We were alike on so many levels. We are both sensitive, compassionate, non-judgmental, sarcastic, funny and we are both incredibly stubborn. I love H with all of my heart and soul…in a way that I have never loved anyone else.

Reunion was rough on us. We needed each other and we both carried some very heavy burdens that we placed on each other’s plates. We had both grown up in very different worlds. And, unfortunately, she assumed that my life was a piece of cake. Perhaps it seemed that way…but let me assure you that being adopted had colored my entire childhood, teenage years and to this day, is the most significant issue that I deal with – every day. Thank goodness that it doesn’t necessarily carry the same dark weight that it may have years ago…but it is still there and always will be.

So, yes, reunion was rough. Here we were…sisters…yet, we didn’t know each other. Our relationship was a roller coaster. We would spend years, months, and weeks together, in relationship and then it would dissolve and we would not speak for years, months and weeks. It was dreadful. Here we were…sisters, yet the connection we were supposed to share was ripped apart the day my bmom delivered me. We fought. We cried. We hurt. And then, after years, she slammed the door shut over something that was totally inaccurate and untrue (she accused me of something that never happened) and kinda absurd.

And here I am today, still feeling like I lost part of my heart when she said – what seemed to be – her final goodbye. I feel like a part of me is missing…and I know she holds that part. My heart will never be completely whole, without her in my life. That’s the simple truth.

After the fiasco with my birthmother dying and seeing H at the funeral home (from a distance) I would like to say that it doesn’t matter. That her behavior and my brother’s made me finally not give a crap about her (and him). That I’ve shed the last tears about losing her. That my door is shut and I’ll never think of her again. That my heart doesn’t break anymore when I see sisters together, holding hands and sitting on each other’s lap.

But, I don’t know that my door will ever be firmly shut – to her. She’s my sister. My big sister. I will always love her fiercely. I will miss her every day of the rest of my life. I will miss her on my wedding day, the day I kiss my first child and on everyday that holds a monumental event in my life.

I just can’t stop missing her. I just can’t stop loving her.

My Birthmother's Funeral

2011-06-13T11:37:00.001-07:00

Going to my birthmother’s funeral was difficult. The reason for most of my nervousness was my half brother and sister. Though my half-bro was the one that did contact me to let me know that M was dying, he quickly yanked back his hand and refused to give me any information. One day it was, “We’re all Mom’s kids…we need to stick together,” and the next was, “You don’t belong here, I’ll give you the info I want you to have…and until then, mind your own business.” Ouch.

I did consider not going. But, I needed to go. For me and for M.

We went in as late as possible…me and my mother. We were as late as possible with the intention of being able to slip quickly into the back of the room and not be noticed by too many people. Well, that back-fired, like, immediately.

When we stepped into the funeral home, all of M’s family (her husband, who she did not live with), half-bro (and his bf), half-sis (and her gf) and other relatives (yes, both of my half siblings are gay) were lined up to greet people. Ummm…can you say awkward? I quickly diverted my eyes – I made contact with my sister – and slipped by, grabbing my mother’s arm to follow. We took seats at the back of the room. M’s urn was at the front of the room; surrounded by some pictures, her bingo dobber-thingies, and the stuffed cat she had by her side in the hospital.

I swallowed hard. My mother was talking away and I was hearing nada. All I could hear was, ’That’s my mother…my first-mom…in that urn…she’s gone from this world.’ My eyes filled, I could barely swallow and the ugly cry threatened to break out at any second. My mom saw this and quickly tried to divert my attention and I sucked it in…but I wanted to let it out. I wanted to let it out…I wanted to run over to my sister and throw my arms around her…I wanted to hug my brother and tell him ‘thank you’ for contacting me in the first place. I wanted to go to their father and hug him and say that I was sorry for his loss. But then, I remembered. I’m not part of their family. I’m the family secret…the one that gets buried when the family tree comes out. I’m the family secret that they didn’t speak about for 17 long years…and when they did, well, that’s when the roller-coaster of reunion began.

To be honest, the only part of the funeral that really felt like it represented M was when the minister spoke and when they played two of her fave country songs. Her husband gave the eulogy and was dreadful. He shared not one word that represented who M really was. Instead, it was like his own side-show where he babbled on without a point and nothing made sense. It was all – as it was in M’s real world – about him.

At the end of the funeral, I was spotted by one of M’s sisters and her hubby. He pointed…and began to smile and she quickly grabbed his arm and pulled him the other way.

I waited to see if I could grab my half-brother after the service, to say thank you for letting me know the situation and allowing me to have the chance to see M, before she passed. Once I got to him, he tried to ignore me and when I touched his shoulder, he turned around and lashed out at me verbally. It was brutal – he made it very clear that I was not welcome, nor was I part of their family. I didn’t approach my half-sister, because she’s made it very clear that she wants nothing to do with me, which breaks my heart because I absolutely adore her and when we’ve been in each other’s lives…we are a force to be reckoned with. I turned around…walked out the door and broke down…the ugly cry came out full-force. M would have been so disappointed with how they handled themselves.

I’m still struggling some days. There are no rules for any type of grief. I think it’s more complicated, too, because of the adoption factor. While I don’t have any regrets…sometimes my heart regrets that things weren’t different. I don’t believe that adoption is God’s first choice…but I do believe that he opens doors in adoption. I’m grateful for the life I have, but being adopted has shaped my life and sometimes it’s not in a positive way.

What I know for sure, is that M loved me. What I know for sure…is that I do have some great memories with her. Though our reunion went up and down and disappeared for months/years at a time, we did have moments together that I can pull back up that make me smile. I KNOW without a doubt, that she loved me…just the same as she loved her two other children.

I need to hang on to what I know for sure, especially in the times that the darkness threatens to take me out. I know she loves me…and she knows that I love her.

I hope that’s enough.

Wowzas!

2011-06-12T16:36:00.001-07:00

Do you like the new look? Things really needed to be changed up. Freshened up. I plan to change up my blog topics, too. Lots to update. Glad to be back in blog-land!

Needing prayer

2011-02-24T09:12:00.000-08:00

Please join me in sending prayer (and positive thoughts) in the direction of Sweet Kate - her photo and link to her mother's, Holly, blog is on the right side of my blog. Kate and her family are continuing their journey in dealing with brain cancer. They are needing to make decisions that no parent or family should ever have to make - but they are fighting strong and boy, are they fighters!

Check out the link to Holly's blog to read the latest on their journey. They are in need of prayer and people believing with them, that it's possible for Kate to be completely healed. This little girl is SO pure and wise, yet funny, curious and holds such compassion in her little heart.

Click here to read Holly's blog.

Something to share

2011-02-23T11:56:00.000-08:00

I have not written anything about this on here...but there IS something exciting to share. (Some of you close readers have been following this via Facebook.) I met a sweet gal via a Facebook page that was created by the adoption agency I was adopted through. This girl was born here in my province, but was taken to the USA and her adoption was finalized in NYC. (This was in like 1973 or 4?) She posted on that FB page, because she was desperate for help and info...after searching - with no answers - for her birthmother/family back here in the province she was born.

For some reason, I was drawn to her. I sent her a private message, told her about myself and offered to do some searching on my end. I also told her that I wouldn't give up until we found the answers she was looking for. I realized it could take forever...but when I get something in my mind and heart...I do not give up. I took it as a personal challenge.

Erin and I immediately had a connection and I just really liked this stubborn, big-hearted, New-York-accented, God-loving, compassionate, funny, intuitive, tough, no-nonsense girl from the start. A lot. She's an awesome mother, too...to four beautiful girls.

I spent HOURS (as did Erin and many others) looking for her birthmother. We called strangers...asking for info and a couple of times I asked women if they had placed a baby girl for adoption some years ago. Nothing promising came up. I would search in spurts and then take week-long (or month long!) breaks. It was like hitting one wall after another.

I remember Erin saying to me...last Fall, that she couldn't do it anymore. It was too draining, she thought she may never find her bfamily and that she needed to step back, before she lost it. I said...step back and let me continue. Well, for whatever reason...she didn't step back. In a flurry, pieces were flying that didn't fit into her puzzle, but offered a couple of new leads.

Out of the complete blue, one day, Erin received a phone call that would change everything. It's my belief that this phone call came because of our never-ending prayers for a tidbit of info that would lead us to her mother.

One afternoon, Erin called and told me that a Salvation Army agency, based out of Ontario, called to confirm with her that her bmom had stayed in a house for birthmothers. What she also shared with her...was her birthmother's middle name. We had been searching for her mother...by her first name and last name (which we assumed, now, would have been possibly changed to a married name). We had no other info, other than her bmom's age, hometown (which is a small one, but proved to be difficult anyway) and some small tidbits of info that we didn't know was true or not.

Getting Erin's bmom's middle name was the missing puzzle piece. That night, I shared the info with my mom's family - which is also from the area where Erin was born. Phone calls started flying between many friends and relatives in my family and by the next day, I received 5 phone numbers that belonged to one person that had the exact middle and last name of Erin's bmom, two numbers that ended up belonging to men, one number that was disconnected, one number that was incorrect...and then there was one number left.

I dialed...and it went to voicemail. A woman's voice announced that she was *name* and to leave a message. The womans name was the middle name and last name...that matched Erin's bmom's name that we recently received - this number had been listed by the first initial and last name. I left a voicemail...thinking it would be another dead end. I said where I was from and that I was doing some family tree stuff and asked if her full name was what Erin's bmom's full name was. (I didn't disclose that I was looking for a birthmother, etc.) I asked for her to return my call if so.

I didn't receive any calls back and thought no more of it.

Some days later, I received a call from that area, but since I was driving, I did not pick up. A voicemail was left, with a phone number and I was asked to call her back 'tomorrow'. Since it had just been left, I didn't pay attention to the message and called back immediately. The woman answered.

This phone call was indescribable. I still cannot put it into words.

I introduced myself and said that I was looking for someone by the name of...and I told her the full name. I asked if that was her full name. Her answer??? (I know you've probably guessed it!) Yes. Then, I went on to say...ok, I'm calling on behalf of my friend Erin and then shared that she was adopted, her DOB and some other pieces of info. The other end of the phone went silent.

It. felt. like. forever.

She confirmed that she was the woman that Erin had been searching for for years. She was Erin's birthmother.

All I could do was bite my lip to not burst into tears.

In short...Erin's mother was very open with information and asked for me, or Erin, to call her in a few days - she needed time to process this. She had ONLY told one person about Erin - one of her sisters who has since passed away.

Of course, Erin's story is much longer. But the coolest thing? Erin will be here in April and we'll be making the five-hour drive to meet her mother. You can bet that I'll be blogging about that!

Life

2011-02-23T10:48:00.000-08:00

The adoption anniversary symptoms seem to be subsiding and after a week-long, much needed vacation in Florida, life seems to be moving forward. i was so bummed to return to the cold and snow. The sunshine makes life so much brighter...at least for me, anyway.

I've been drawn in to that new-ish show called Who Do You Think You Are? and am completely interested in family trees now. I'm considering doing a family tree for myself on my adoptive family and birth family. While I know quite a bit of info on my birthmom's side...I don't know much on my birthfather's side. I have some general info and have access to info on my birthfather's paternal side...but on his maternal side, all I have is his biological mother's name and some facts that sometimes conflict with each other. The thing is, my birthfather's mother died when he was around 12 years old...and then he was 'mothered' by his step-mother, his father's second wife. My birthfather is not a really good source of info, given he can't open his mouth without spitting out a lie. Seriously.

While I am interested in the whole family tree thing and am wondering where did all of my families come from and what kinda awesome facts are waiting to be discovered, I also know that delving into bfam stuff can take an emotional toll. So, small steps. One step at a time.

I think my best first step is getting in touch with Nana Helen - my birthfather's step-mother (she is not referred to as a 'step', I just say that to note the difference that she's not his biological mother) and sitting down with her. She knows...probably...the most about my birthfather's history and I know that she knew my bio-grandmother at one point. I also know that Nana Helen likes to make things look pretty and not note anything that could make someone look bad. So, I read between the lines when it comes to what she says...but she's very sweet...I really like her a lot. I got a lot of info a couple of years ago on my birthfather's mother...but lost it. I have no idea where it all went...so now I only have what's in my own memory, unless I find the other written info.

One step at a time.

My heart remembers

2011-01-26T08:43:00.001-08:00

This time of year weighs on my heart. It’s ‘reunion anniversary’ time of the year. In 1996, we (my parents, since I was in high school still) found my birthmom in January and sent off a registered letter. She called collect in the middle of Superbowl Sunday and we met the following weekend.

I can remember every second of it all.

While I remember every detail of that time, my mind doesn’t always necessarily remember the dates, connect the dots or put together that, hey, remember back in 1996 when you met the woman that gave you life? Instead, I normally start to feel bummed out, sad, slightly grumpy and out of sorts. I begin to buy comfort food (read: junk), want to sleep more and see friends and family less. I get anxious and avoid crowds. I’m just not my normal self. Then, it’s like out of the blue…I think, what the heck is going on? And then, like recently, I’m in the middle of some random daily activity (this year it was while I was slicing up green peppers to put into a spaghetti sauce I was making) and it clicks. Fifteen years ago…at this time…I was reuniting with my first-mom, Marg. The woman that I dreamed about, longed for and wished to connect with, since as far back as I can remember.

My brain doesn’t remember…but my heart never fails to forget. My heart always remembers.

It seems to weigh even more, this year…since my birth-mom has been gone for about four and a half months. (I know, I still have more to share about the last time I saw her and her funeral service – I just haven’t been able to ‘go there’,) After her passing and funeral, I felt like I was dealing with it all pretty well. I found great comfort in my last two visits with her. Really, it was some kinda divine intervention that provoked my half-sibling and his father to contact me and let me know Marg was dying.

But, now? It’s all fresh. It’s like a delayed grief reaction. It’s not just ‘reunion anniversary’ time. It’s ‘reunion anniversary, the woman that gave you life is gone and none of the family want you around’ time.

I miss her.

Seeing Her

2010-10-03T18:17:00.001-07:00

We left before noon that Monday, for my birthmother's town. 'We' being myself and my (adoptive) mother. My stomach was tossing and turning and her driving didn't help matters and I did have some regrets about taking her...or, at least, allowing her to drive. She doesn't 'believe' in using cruise control. (I'm all over cruise when I'm in the driver's seat.) Truth is, I didn't know how I would feel being behind the wheel after I saw M.

When we arrived at the hospital, I was constantly scanning the lot, halls and elevators for possible birthfamily members. My plan - especially if I bumped into my sister - was to take their cue. I did not want to make anyone uncomfortable and I was there simply because I felt that I needed to be. So, if I bumped into them and they seemed friendly/receptive, I'd stop...if they didn't, I'd keep on going. Thankfully, I never bumped into any of them.

We made our way to M's room and I went silent. No words. In a mix of fear and anxiety, all words disappeared from my mouth and mind.

Marg's room had four beds in it and two of them were empty. The bed closest to the door was occupied by a woman that was doing a crossword puzzle. Beside her bed (and also beside M's bed) sat a caregiver/sitter who smiled and said hello when we stepped into the room. My mother asked if this was M's room and the sitter replied that yes, it was, but that M was having a rough day and needed to hold someone's hand. I looked and the sitter was helping the woman with a crossword puzzle with one hand and with the other she was holding my birthmother's hand.

I was filled with emotion, that I swallowed down, at that sight. M was so vulnerable...and alone, in that moment. I was sad that a stranger was holding her hand and her family was not.

My mother led the way over to M's bed and I followed. M was asleep and looked so small, compared to when I saw her last. Her hair was coloured. Her face was wrinkled. Her nails were long and jagged. Her legs, under the bed sheet, were as thin as the smallest part of my wrists. She was hooked up to many IVs. M was being pumped full of three antibiotics, trying to win the fight of infection that was going through her body rapidly. She was in a lot of pain and was on meds to keep her comfy and was on fluids for nutrition. She had not been eating or drinking for five days. It seemed like she probably had not taken any food/fluids for much longer than that.

M was not responsive when my mother went to the side of the bed and began to talk to her. I stood there, by the side of the bed, like my feet were stuck to the floor. Everything flashed through my mind... She wasn't going to respond. She wasn't going to hear me. She's dying. She doesn't know I'm even here. What do I say? What do I do? Do I touch her? How can I even talk to her? How can I say anything that's in my heart, to her, with my mother there?

My mom touched M's shoulder and said, "M, it's B and Laurel...we came from the city to see you. M, Laurel is here, she wants to see you."

As we stood there, M started to move her face and head. Her eyes opened slightly and she looked. She opened her eyes more and looked right at me and said, "Oh my...you really came?" (I'm still silent.) My mom says, "Yes, we came to see you because we heard you weren't feeling well and that you had a fall." M replied and said, "Well isn't this a surprise." She lifted her hands up as if wanting to lift her arms, too.

She was reaching...for me.

I moved in and bent down and with as much strength as she had (and it was a lot, I couldn't pull away) she put her hands around my head and neck and held it tightly to the crook of her neck and said, "My daughter...you came. My girl." When she let go and I pulled away, a smile was spread across her face.

While all of this was happening, the sitter next to her bed had dropped her jaw to the floor and a nurse walked in. The sitter told us that M had not opened her eyes or spoken in the last 36 hours. The nurse asked who we were. My mother explained while I stood looking into M's eyes and rubbing her arm and shoulder. M then also said, "My daughter, she came to see me," as she pointed in my direction. The nurse said that M was clearly ecstatic to see me and kind of shook her head, a bit puzzled, still...and left the room.

We talked to the sitter and made small conversation with M for the next ten minutes or so. M opened her eyes a bit and grunted, but kept falling back into a deep sleep.

(The sitter told us that there had been two girls in just an hour before us, to visit M. I had her describe the visitors and she described my sister and her girlfriend, exactly. I guess they 'kinda' didn't stay away from visiting M that day.)

My mother told M that we were going to leave and let her rest. M opened her eyes and said, "Make sure to come back." My mother nodded.

I leaned in to kiss her cheek and she said, "Don't forget me." I didn't quite hear her...and I asked her what she said and she said, "Please come back and please don't forget me. Don't forget me."

I shook my head to answer that I wouldn't forget her, but I didn't feel able to speak it and started to walk out. I was so overwhelmed with emotion and when I turned back, to say it to her, she was deep in sleep.

So, I said it in my heart, in hopes that she would hear it in her heart.

I would get the chance, a week later, to say it to her.

Finding Out

2010-09-29T12:01:00.000-07:00

On the evening of August 29th, I logged into my Facebook account and there was a message waiting for me in my Inbox. It was from my older half-bro, A, on my birthmother’s side. On her side, I have him and my older half-sis, H. I am not friends with A on FB, but he was able to send me a message. I immediately just sensed something in my heart…I don’t know how or why, I just felt it.

The message said that he and his father (who is not my father, but is my half-sister’s father and my bmom’s husband) felt that I deserved to know that my birthmom, M, was found collapsed on the floor on the Thursday morning, before. They were unsure when she fell…whether it was Wednesday evening, or early Thursday morning…but they found her there, nonetheless. He said that she was not well and that he wasn’t sure she was long for this world. He left me his phone number and email address. I picked up the phone immediately and called him.

The conversation was actually nice. He explained that they (his father and him) had not shared with my half-sis that they had contacted me. (FYI, though we were best friends at one point in time, she really has a hate-on for me. Big time, which actually breaks my heart because I love her so much.) A told me that he was tired of the distance and wanted me in his life, I said, ‘And I want YOU in my life.’ He told me that, ‘Mom has three children and we need to stick together and have a fresh start.’ I told him that I wanted to go and see his mom…but that I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfy and he said to go down for a visit…and that he’d tell H when I was going to be there, so she could avoid me. I planned to go down the next day. He advised me that his mother wasn’t really recognizing anyone and wasn’t extremely responsive. He asked me to please email/text him after the visit and let him know how she was. I live about 90 minutes from the town where my bmom lives…and my brother, A, now lives in the city, too…and wouldn’t be going down the next day and wanted to get an update, so I agreed.

When we hung up, I felt good. Actually, I burst into tears…but the part of my heart that felt good was the part grateful for whatever led A to contact me and let me know that Marg was not well. I was grateful for 10 minutes of conversation where he was ‘my brother’. I was grateful to be remembered as ‘her daughter, too’. I was grateful for any tiny piece they threw to me that I could own as mine, too.

And then began, the rollercoaster ride…to saying goodbye to my birthmom. I just noticed that today’s date is the 29th.

The next day, Monday, I went into work for the morning, with the plan to take off at noon, to land in their town by 1:30pm. Around 9:30 in the morning, I received a text message from A saying, “Don’t go to visit Mom. Today isn’t a good day. Umm, the nurses kinda said that she kinda shouldn’t have visitors today. Uh, she just kinda should sleep.”

Ermmm…what?!

I immediately knew that though the text was coming from him, my sister likely flipped her lid the night before when he told her that I now knew that M was in the hospital, dying. I assumed she tore a strip off of him and he was panicking…after all, she is HIS sister before I am. Now he was trying to back up.

I quickly made the decision to completely ignore his text message and pretend like I never got it whatsoever.

My birthmom was dying. The woman that gave me life. The woman that I loved with every ounce of my heart, but yet couldn’t connect with on a super deep level, in life, for whatever reasons. And, those reasons didn’t mean anything. Not when my birthmom was dying. There were no reasons…when it really came down to it. All that was left, once the reasons were shoved away, was love.

So, I went to see her, that afternoon. Nothing could have kept me away.

Today

2010-09-20T06:47:00.001-07:00

Today is my birthmother's funeral. I have mixed feelings about attending but I am going to go. The chance of regretting not going weighs too heavily on my heart. That said, it feels like it's going to be - at the moment - one of the hardest things to do.

It's all sinking in.

I want to stop time. Just so that I can sit with all of this and figure it out. I know that my feelings often change, soften and become more honest with time. I want that desperately. Instead, the time is rushing by. I swear it was just 9:15 am and now it is 10:49 am and I must leave for the funeral shortly.

My stomach is a wreck...knowing that I'll be in a room with some that do not want me to be there. Knowing that I'll be in the same room with my big sister that I absolutely adore, but that does not adore me in return, just about breaks my heart.

Gone...

2010-09-17T16:29:00.000-07:00

My birthmother passed away Wednesday evening. Her funeral is on Monday afternoon. I still plan on blogging about our last two visits together, which took place in the hospital.

M's obituary was in the newspaper today. According to the write-up, she has one son and one daughter. The daughter named, is not me. M is survived by her husband, her son and daughter, several nieces, nephews and cousins.

It catches in my heart. Panic and tears form in my throat and I need to remind myself to breathe.

How does one, that doesn't even exist...grieve?

Not easy...

2010-09-13T18:54:00.000-07:00

There's no way to type this easily.

I've been wanting to update my blog, especially over the past few weeks. I just don't know where to begin. I keep typing...then deleting...typing and deleting again.

My birthmom, Marg, is dying.

I have gone (to her town) to see her, twice now. Lots to share about those visits and about how I found out. I am planning to make the journey, again, tomorrow.

Tomorrow will mark the 10th day that M has been off IV fluids and any kind of treatment. She was moved to palliative care a little over a week ago. She is now only on pain meds every four hours to keep her comfortable.

I never imagined...well, any of this.

Being a bridge

2010-07-08T08:17:00.000-07:00

I feel stuck. In deepness. The kind that sucks you in like quick-sand and holds you tightly. It's not necessarily a dark deepness...but it is a heavy deepness that I am unsure I can properly put into words.

I am in my third week of my new gig and it's going well. I'm still doing PR stuff, but I have the added assignment of being a support person to clients dealing with mental health issues. I act as an advocate, navigator, support and educator for mental health consumers and society in general. If ya know me...you know it's pretty clear that although my training/experience is in PR, my passion lies in mental health/suicide awareness and prevention. It's a weird mix and not one that I envisioned going together, landing me where I am today.

Only in 2005, did my passion land in my lap and while I say it's my passion...it's also a burden. If you've heard about priests/ministers/pastors feeling a 'calling', I believe that my passion is a calling. Maybe you feel the same about some part of your life and can understand where I'm coming from. There comes a certain responsibility with a calling...because while you know it's where you are meant to be...and that the assignment is from God, you don't always want to do it. It can be overwhelming.

Last week I had a call from a client that was admitted to a psychiatric unit in a local hospital and was on lock down. In short, without the full story, he was trespassing on someones property and used their backyard as a toilet. He was 'being held against his will'. He disagreed on his need to be there, said he had no mental health issues and this was against his human rights. All I could do was listen and refer him to a group that could assess his safety and rights.

Yesterday, he showed up at my office...looking for me. He was on a pass from the unit and was clearly still in crisis. Dealing with him...for only 20 minutes...felt like hours and I felt like I had run a marathon by the time he left. I was so drained. It was impossible to help him...because he 'doesn't have a problem...' The old saying, 'You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink' was my motto for all of yesterday.

Then during the evening, I attended a mental health work function and during the evening several performers (comics to musicians) took the stage and shared their stories. I was inspired...in a way that I have never be...by the fact that these people were proud to talk about their own mental illness...to joke about it...to cry about it...to sing about it. They were proud to own it and use it as a tool of empowerment. I was overwhelmed by the inspirations they are...and by everything else that mental illness carries with it (like stigma).

And then, a woman read her poetry. Amazing and brilliant.

I had to bite my lip not to cry.

My Emily...who took her life in October of 2006, had a book published of her own poetry, about her struggle with mental illness, after she died. Oh, how I wished that it was Emily standing there reading her beautiful words. Oh, how I miss her. To know, still, that her death was preventable...is overwhelming.

But, I feel stuck in deepness. (Not just with this issue.)

I'm trying to believe that all of my needs in this area will be answered.

The fact is, I can't save the world. I can't do it all. I am learning all of this.

I can only be a bridge.

And, ultimately, I hope I am always a bridge to Him.

Hey folks...

2010-06-16T16:27:00.000-07:00

...or should I say y'all...

My pal, Melissa, over at Full Circle has her own little tv type gig every Wednesday evening over the net. It's always related to adoption and she's had some awesome guests. I think you should check it out - tonight. If you want to suggest someone for her show, send her a line and tell her...she's pretty cool like that.

Her MomTV show is on tonight at 6 pm (PST) California time, which is 9 pm New York time. Go HERE to get all the info, it's really easy to watch and you don't have to 'join' anything to get access.

Sometimes Melissa even gives away free stuff.

Oh, and don't be afraid if she begins talking in one accent and ends in another. And, tell her I sent ya!

A few changes

2010-06-15T15:31:00.000-07:00

In my life, that is...a few changes.

I did not get the job that I wrote about in my previous post. BUT - I landed an interview with a non-profit organization that is mental health related. In short, they provide peer-based services for mental health services users (through advocacy, counsel, referral to support groups, services, etc.). That's it, in a nutshell.

Now, the interview - in my opinion - was horrible. I felt a bit like I was in front of a firing squad and have never been through an interview like this. I normally do great interviews and was not terribly worried about this gig, simply because while I do PR type of work...I also have the unique advantage of my mental illness/suicide prevention and intervention work experience/training. I have also been a 'user' of services in my province.

As soon as I reached my car after I was finished with the barrage of questions, sometimes the same one asked 3 times, I burst into tears of frustration. Not only had this interview been terrible, but 10 minutes before it, I got news that the other gig I interviewed for was filled by another candidate. So, in my mind, these two jobs were down the drain...which meant no income and I certainly couldn't move into a new place without an income...and would have had to move home and/or with family at the end of this month.

The middle of last week, I heard that they were checking references and I was shocked. After a few calls from the executive director and much stress because of her phone calls and the way some of my references were treated...I was cooked. I was so broken last Friday afternoon that I slammed my phone down, after I hung up with the ED, and promptly burst into deep sobs.

And, I mean those deep sobs that take over your entire heart.

After I pulled myself together, I headed out to meet one of my besties, Cornpop, for dinner and some hang time. I really wasn't in the mood to hang. I was so bummed. I needed to get some air and sun, so we went down to a park by the water and sat on a concrete wall, swinging our legs and pointing out the massive mansions across the water. Cornpop decided to give her man a shout on the phone...so while she was on the line...I closed my eyes and said, "Lord, I need your help. I know that I have doubted you, a lot, over the past eight months. I know that I have done, and said, things that likely really disappointed you. But, you know where I am right now, Lord." I asked Jesus for a sign...that everything would be ok...something that would comfort my heart, that would let me know that He would, and could, make everything okay and give me a sense of peace.

Cornpop and I then decided to go to get some Mexican and got back in my car and drove out of the park. Halfway out, this beautiful yellow butterfly flew by my driver's side window...and then slowly across the front of my windshield. I immediately said to CP, "That's my sign." I then told her what I asked for.

Why was the butterfly significant? After I lost my friend, Chris, by cancer in 2001, I was bombarded by butterflies after she died. I know it could mean nothing and may seem silly...but they come to me. And after her death, I received a box of some of her stuff from her hubby and a few of the items included butterflies.

As soon as we got downtown by the restaurant...my phone rang. I saw that it was the ED calling...again...and groaned. But...why was she calling...again?

To offer me the job. Which, I accepted.

I start my new gig on Monday. The salary is very low and there are no benefits, BUT, it is a job for the time being. And really...a mental health related gig? If you've followed my blog...you'll likely agree that this is where I am supposed to be, for the time being, anyway. Please pray though...because from the looks of it, I am going to have my work cut out for me. The interview, reference calls and phone calls have signalled to me that this is going to be a different atmosphere.

As for me needing to move out of my condo (owners are putting it up for sale)? Well, I was shown another unit yesterday and it was like half the size of my current unit and I do not like it whatsoever. I was so disappointed and frustrated because I need to move out at the end of the month. I was told it was the only unit available.

Yesterday evening, I received an email from the building owner and somehow...a unit, my size...became available...the exact same unit, exact same location, just a couple of floors up. I'll move on July 1st. Oh, and rent is actually 25 bucks cheaper than my rent right now. I'll take that.

Sooooo...life is moving along. Big changes. New job. New digs.

I'm actually looking forward to the changes.

It's a bit of a fresh start, which I will take.

And, hopefully...some new posts that have been waiting for a long time will come along, too.

A small case of the 'blahs'

2010-06-01T16:40:00.000-07:00

I returned home yesterday from a 'vacay' trip to Toronto. The weather was amazing! Sunny and 28+ degrees everyday. I swam every evening, outside. I played tourist and ate good food and visited family.

To be honest, I'm a bit bummed to be home. I have been unemployed for almost a full year now. I officially, now, have no money coming in, I've applied for a gazillion jobs and the peeps I'm renting my condo from gave me notice and I need to be out by the last day in June.

Stressed? Yes. My faith is on really shakey ground. Not JUST because of the above, but it's definitely a combination of that and other life stuff.

Good news? I had a job interview today with a fabulous employer and felt like the interview went very well. Please be in prayer for me. I desperately need a job - this job! I need a gig with a salary and I need it, like, in the next 10 days so that I can move into another place and not in with family and/or friends. I also need a gig so that I can get into a healthier life routine.

This past year has been very difficult. I'm praying that this job will be part of a bigger (and better) plan...because it's getting down to the last minute.

While I was away...I was able to spend a day with relatives that I haven't seen in quite awhile, though we keep in touch often. On Sunday I got to play with two of my little cousins...one that I had not even met (he is 8 months)! This was pretty precious time. The baby had a drooly smile plastered to his face the entire time and his older sister kept me busy by requesting me to read books, play and go to the park. The day ended with baths and cuddles. It was good quality time.

The end of my vacay was topped off with a 4 o'clock (AM!) wake up call via fire alarm bells at the hotel...which meant putting on my sneaks (half asleep) with pj's and taking off quickly to run down 26 flights (I'm talking long flights) of stairs (40 floors in this hotel). So, fyi, I don't deal well in emergency situations where it's only ME to take care of (if I had someone else to take care of, I'd be much calmer) and so I tensed up MEGA and I slipped.

Sadly, I'm walking around like I'm 99 years old...my thighs and calves are so hurting today.

I have numerous blog posts floating around in my head...hoping to update more, soon!

Deep in thought

2010-05-17T09:28:00.000-07:00

I've been deep in thought - about all things adoption - for the past few weeks. I've been quietly watching the experiences of my pals that also are touched by adoption that include birthmothers, adoptive mothers/fathers (some in waiting), adoptees waiting for reunion, adoptees in reunion and foster parents. I have been taking in all of these experiences and holding them up to my own and struggling with the variety of experiences we all go through...when we're all under the adoption umbrella. Our experiences differ enormously.

What I struggle with most, personally, is that my relationship (which is basically non-existent) with my birthfamily and my experiences with reunion are so far from what I dreamt for it to be. It's completely opposite from what I hoped for and what my heart longed (and still longs) for. And most importantly, for my own heart...how do I find resolve? Will I find peace? Can I find peace? Is there some way to get my heart to a point where I'll be 'fine' with it all? Will I ever NOT long for a different adoption/reunion story? Will my heart ever stop being in upheaval? Will I always have these waves of adoption pain that will roll over me for the rest of my life?

I admit that my feelings about adoption now are VERY different from what I felt when I was 16 and thankfully some resolve HAS come. My ground is far more sturdy and for the most part, I am 'ok'. I understand that this is a journey. I get that there will always be members of my birthfamily that won't like me, will blame me for their own pain and hope that this adoptee will never return to their doorsteps. And, y'know what? I'm OK with that. That isn't what weighs heavy on my heart.

When I was younger, I used to quite enjoy my adoption story. If someone asked me to tell them about myself, the first thing out of my mouth would be, 'I'm adopted'. It was at the top for how my identity was built. I was adopted, before I was Laurel. Now, I will rarely say that I am adopted...I don't like sharing my story of how I came to be...and honestly, my heart is broken from the drama, lies, secrets, accusations and shame that seem to soak my story (after I searched, found and met - some of my bfam, not all of them).

My problem is...that I have no anchor in my birthfamily. I don't have one birth-relative that has taken an active interest in having a relationship with me. Sure, I've been in relationship with some on both sides of my birthfam, but no one wanted to actively work on building a relationship with me. They all were curious and wanted an 'in' on who I was, what I looked like, what I was doing with my life...but no one wanted to really dig deeper past the surface. There are some that I could call today and though they wouldn't hang up on me...they would never call me.

I long for that connection. Even just one tiny connection. I want to plug in...somewhere.

An adoptee pal of mine recently graduated from college. She has been reunited with her birthmother and birthfather for some years. Her relationship with her birthdad is pretty strong, but her relationship with her birthmom has been pretty rocky - but as of the past several months...it has been growing slowly into a great bond and is now blooming some pretty awesome fruit. So, she invited her birthmom and fam, her birthdad and fam and her adoptive family to her graduation. I think it's fair to say that we prayed for it to turn out the way it did...but I, personally, was not sure how it would turn out.

Her grad pictures included ALL of the above relatives. And they weren't fake smiles IN the pictures. They were real. For the first time in her entire life...ALL of the people that have contributed to her being where she is today...were together. And, thrilled to be there! They blew me away. The love that swirled around her that day...was answered prayer. She has pictures, of her birthmom kissing one cheek and her bdad kissing the other. Hello awesome?! It's precious.

My story will never be like hers. Ever. Yeah, miracles can happen, but folks...if you knew the peeps involved in my story fully, you'd be like, yep...never gonna happen. My circumstances are also a completely different set than hers. A tiny piece of me holds on to hope, but I think it's in a vain attempt to keep my heart from breaking entirely.

I find a tiny (as a mustard seed!) bit of healing in the good stories. Like above said friend. Like Rebekah and Ben's story with sweet Ty. Like Ty's birthmom's story (the 'other' Rebekah). Like my kindred pal, Julie and her hubby Mike who are new parents to precious Kate. Like Melissa, over at Full Circle, who is a foster Mommy (and I'm believing, a forever Mommy, soon!) and healing little hearts with her amazing love mixed with her hubby's! These are good heart-healing stories. Not that they don't carry a pain of their own - because they do. That is part of life.

I keep praying that my story will end differently. That the ends will get tied up. That the tears will be dried. That reunion can ignite again and bring healing that none of us believed was possible.

I have no idea what this would look like.

I feel, though, deep in my heart that I have to write my own ending.

I'm just not sure where to begin.

Billy the Goat & Mr. Brown

2010-05-16T21:22:00.000-07:00

I was rooting through old/saved emails tonight and came across one that I had sent to a friend and had typed up in 2008. This particular email first came in the form of a hand-written letter from an older man (in his 90's) named Mr. Brown (interestingly, his first name was Charles, he went by Charlie, but I called him Mr. Brown). At the time I was working in Communications/Media Relations for a huge production show and Mr. Brown was a long-time fan of the show that had military roots and Mr. Brown had served for his country in the Navy.

Mr. Brown developed a relationship with our Administrative Assistant...and as the next newbie in line with the show, I often answered the main line when the Admin chick was busy or off...or just not wanting to answer the phone (yes, this did happen, but I didn't mind...loved my job at the time!). So, Mr. Brown and I developed a relationship of our own.

He was a sweet gentleman that called at least three times a week. He religiously ordered shirts, dvd's, cd's, every year from our souvenir shop. He also wrote hand-written letters, stories, recipes for us to 'type up' when we had the time. (The purpose for the typed up stuff was never clear, he just wanted us to put something together for him one day. He also sent HANDSOME pics of himself in his uniforms.)

Mr. Brown rarely talked much about his personal life. I do know that he had a daughter he adored and wanted to come and see the show one last time, but when going to the airport to take a flight here, he'd 'fall'. In the airport. Three years. We figured that he was just a nervous traveller.

My colleague and I noticed when Mr. Brown's calls were tapering off. We also noticed the cough that came that made Mr. Brown end his calls more quickly than usual. But, he always said he was fine, when we'd ask what the deal was.

Mr. Brown died early last year. His daughter, knowing his love for the show and seeing his phone records, put two and two together and realized that maybe we should be notified. She didn't realize that he had called us often and teased us, shared with us and told us what to do.

Before I left my position, last June (and after Mr. Brown had passed), I was sorting through papers and came upon a yellow envelope with Mr. Brown's neat ALL CAPS handwriting on the front of it. I had opened it, but clearly didn't take the time to REALLY read it. And as I read, I burst into a mix of laughter, tears and hysterical laughter that brought more tears and the inability to read the entire thing because I was roaring. My colleague - who sat on the other side of the 'wall' from me, started laughing when she heard me and didn't even know what it was about.

Mr. Brown had shared with me many stories about his time in the Navy. He had earned many medals and honours and special distinctions for his time serving for our country. He never spoke about these. It was all in a day's work for him to offer his life for his country, if it came to it. He was shy. He didn't want recognition.

This one story that Mr. Brown shared with me on the phone briefly, was now fully hand-written on lined scribbler paper that I held in my hands. I want to share it with you pals, now. I've always had a special place in my heart for goats...and perhaps that's why it continues to kill me with laughter (ok, the blunt ending is what REALLY made my stomach hurt from laughter). Below are Mr. Brown's words...about his experience with 'Billy the Goat'. Though I admit that sometimes I groaned with I saw the British Columbia area code come up on the phone, he was a sweet, sweet man with a heart of gold that loved his country. Bless you, Mr. Brown!

And here are Mr. Brown's words, in an article he wrote for a paper...

(Brief introduction by Mr. Brown before official article - In Jan 1944 when we left for England, we made a stop at 'the Azores' this island belongs to Porchical we had to stop there for fuel. Before we went into England, this is where we picked up Billy the Kid (the ships mascot) the goat.)

Billy the Kid is serving in the Royal Canadian Navy. Billy is a 17 week old goat who has been adopted as mascot by the crew of HMCS, a Canadian minesweeper operating in the UK.

It was Leading Seaman of Ottawa who induced Billy to sign on with HMCS when the two first met in the Azores. Billy was then just a day old - a very impressionable age for goats - and no match for a smooth talker like Leading Seaman.

It was a clear day streaming with sunshine, and Leading Seaman was lounging on the upper deck. A commotion on the jetty attracted his attention. He went over the side to investigate.

There on the jetty, he found Billy, cuddled in the arms of a Portuegese native and surrounded by bartering sailors. Billy's owner wanted to barter him for a roll neck sweater. A spark of attraction passed between the kid and Seaman who modelled his sweater to such good efforts that the trade was agreed upon.

Billy became the property of Seaman (Goodman) with two major provisions attached like a bell around his neck. First, the HMCS commanding officer need approve the purchase and second, the crew accept Billy as one of them. The Captain succumbed to Goodman's persuasiveness.

Billy himself won over the crew. Just one look at Billy and the crew definitely became great comrades. Billy has "Oomph."

Billy hasn't grown much since he took up his appointment in the HMCS but he has gained strength. Now he stands slightly over 12 inches and weighs close to 10 lbs. Two blue buds of horns are swelling on his forehead. HMCS are becoming acoustomed to Billy beating those horns on any part of their anatomies that comes within his rather limited reach. Shins are his favorites.

"He's a good sailor" said Goodman proudly. "He never gets sick. It took him awhile to find his sea legs because his hoofs are sharp and he slipped on the deck. But noW he gets around as fast as anyone."

Billy is more like a puppy than a goat. When he's pleased, he waves his tail like a mad electric fan. He still takes milk from a wine bottle with a nipple fashioned from the thumb of an old rubber glove and throughout the meal, his tail churns the air in sheer unrationed pleasure.

He tags after Goodman like a fly after sugar and when the sailor scrambles down a steel ladder where Billy can't follow, his plaintive bleats screech around the decks until Goodman comes back up.

When HMCS enters harbour, Billy falls in with the sailors hands, his nose no more than two inches from Goodman's ballooning trousers. The only time the two are separated is when Billy is tucked away in his pen in the minesweeping flats in the after part of the ship.

Billy is definitely a 'one man' goat. He has adopted Goodman for keeps. Billy is very happy about the arrangement. Goodman is happy about it, too, but not unreservedly happy. Billy, he explains, hasn't yet learned the full meaning of the term 'house-broken'. And sometimes Billy's lack of education keeps Goodman very busy.

HMCS had Billy on the ship until he became a full grown goat. Sadly, Billy passed away when something he ate didn't agree with him.

Checkin' In

2010-03-28T16:36:00.000-07:00

Hi pals - I'm still around! I just am not really feeling the urge to write and blog. I'm sure I will, again, soon. A couple of issues I'm working on right now, 'off-line'. So, it's taking up a lot of space in my heart.

I still check my fave blogs, pretty much on a daily basis.

A tiny piece of good news? The suicide prevention workshop training I completed recently? I have three workshops booked, to teach. Each workshop I teach will be three hours. All three are for teachers in junior high and high schools. This is wicked good news. Please pray that this will somehow build and turn into a f/t job for me!

Why? Well, because...

2010-03-06T20:31:00.001-08:00

If you've been a faithful reader (thank you) you will know that suicide prevention and mental health awareness is an area of passion for me. I never thought, for a moment...growing up...that I would be 'called' to do any work involving these issues.

I struggled, through my teen and college years with depression and at one time, thoughts of suicide. I know that some of it was chemical and some of it was situational and because of some life issues that weighed heavy on my heart and soul. There were dark moments. And I mean, dark. Black. No light. On the brink of making a choice that could have ended my life...and blown out the light of some awesome family and friends that loved me...regardless of who/where I was.

In January of 2005, I went into a lock-down unit for my own safety. Not something I love to talk about. I know the comments people make...to themselves...to others...to whoever is in ear-shot, making sure whoever it is...knows that THEY aren't 'nuts'. I get it. I've contributed to the stigma that suicide and mental illness carries. I know you have, too. And you can't deny it...so don't even try. We've ALL made comments...either in fear, trying to be funny or in complete ignorance. And...that's ok. Don't feel badly. Because...you have a chance, today...to check yourself. Now that you've read this - you can't go back. Now that I'm telling you - I'm holding you responsible to the words and language you use that COULD contribute to the stigma of mental health issues.

Last week, I completed a two-day training course in suicide prevention. This isn't the first course I've completed on this issue. Prior to this, I did another course to achieve my certification for suicide intervention. I can do an intervention...and I have, actually, a few of them. This training, last week, was to train me...to TEACH a workshop on suicide prevention to everyday people who could possibly identify someone that may be thinking of suicide and give them the training and info...to then pass that person on to someone who can do an intervention. Of course, *toot toot*, I passed with flying colours. And, I'm so freaking excited to now be able to teach this course.

I know, without a doubt, that the Lord placed this issue in my lap. It's a divine calling. I know this...because I received a $750 bursary...out of the blue, for this course. I would not have been able to complete this course out of my own pocket, because...well, I'm unemployed at the moment. But, someone - an organization - believed in me enough to recognize my passion and the impact I've already made with this issue in my city. By the way, folks, that's God; not chance (the bursary).

One thing that I always carry with me, when I speak about prevention and share my own experiences is my sweet, sweet Emily. She took her life in October of 2006 and was part of what pushed me down this avenue. I always, always carry her in my heart. She is one of the things front and centre for me, when I talk about suicide. And, oh do I miss her. I miss her so very much. I admit that often I feel burdened by the weight of this issue. But yet, it fills my heart with meaning and passion that I have had with nothing else.

I've been working on a few projects in regard to suicide prevention and awareness...and I'm super excited about one of my projects. Ok, I'm excited about ALL of them (and plan to share more about this, soon!), but one in particular. It's going to be called (the) Emily Project. I'm going to be jumping into this with my feet first and completely in faith that the Lord is going to place everything needed, on my path. And it will begin from my very own living room...and on donations that people give to me...because they believe in this and in me.

There are many more details and odds and ends to this project that I could share, but I can't share them until the basics are a bit more concrete. But...again, Emily will be at the centre of this. Because, she truly is what keeps me focused on saving lives. If I can save one life, it will be worth everything.

I came upon this song and video the other evening by Rascal Flatts called 'Why' and I was just struck by the words and also was surprised that I had not heard it before. It is so beautiful. And the words are perfect. The video, with lyrics, is below.

But, before you listen...if you are thinking of suicide or you believe someone you know is thinking of suicide, please reach out. Please go and talk to someone, or talk to the person you are concerned about. Asking someone if they are having thoughts of suicide does NOT place the idea in their minds or raise the risk that they could attempt. That is a myth. In fact, people WANT to share their pain and it's so easy to ask that question. If YOU are thinking of suicide, I want you to know that your life matters, to me. Please reach out for help. Go and talk to someone. Call a help-line that is free and confidential - 1-800-SUICIDE or in Canada, call 1-800-668-6868. Or confide in someone close to you, go and see your doctor or go to your local ER. Or visit www.hopeline.com

Edited to add: Idk if your screen is only showing half of the video, too, but if it is...the link to the actual video on youtube is - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3_85GXsKqk

Imagine Me

2010-02-22T09:41:00.000-08:00

Amazing song.

It's become my personal theme song over the past couple of days. For some pretty heavy reasons, which I WILL update on later, I promise. But while you wait...check out this song/video. (Ok, truth be told, I actually stole the song from LB's playlist on her blog.)

The lyrics are posted below the video.

"Imagine Me"

Imagine me
Loving what I see when the mirror looks at me cause I
I imagine me
In a place of no insecurities
And I'm finally happy cause
I imagine me

Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me
Cause they never did deserve me
Can you imagine me?
Saying no to thoughts that try to control me
Remembering all you told me
Lord, can you imagine me?
Over what my mama said
And healed from what my daddy did
And I wanna live and not read that page again

[Chorus:]
Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally finally I can...
Imagine me
I admit it was hard to see
You being in love with someone like me
But finally I can...
Imagine me

Being strong
And not letting people break me down
You won't get that joy this time around
Can you imagine me?
In a world (in a world) where nobody has to live afraid
Because of your love fears gone away
Can you imagine me?

[Bridge:]
Letting go of my past
And glad I have another chance
And my heart will dance
'Cause I don't have to read that page again

[Vamp:]
Gone, gone, it's gone, all gone

Oprah Alert - The Locator

2010-02-16T16:45:00.000-08:00

On this Thursday's Oprah show, she'll be featuring another show called 'The Locator'. I have never seen this show, nor have I heard of it. I have watched 'Find My Family' which was on ABC before the holidays...but it hasn't been on since. Which is okay in my books. Quite frankly, the guy host - for me - ruined the whole darn show because of his incessant boo-hoo-ing and tears. He cried more than the birthparent/adopted child that were being reunited! I couldn't even concentrate on the show because I kept wondering if the producers noted that this guy obviously needed some assistance, himself.

(And yes...it's OK for guys to cry and be emotional! I just think that if you're gonna be the 'rock' for the adoptee who's gonna be placed in a field and told to walk up a hill by a tree - is that tree real? - to 'find their family', that you probably should be able to see clearly and not have used the entire box of kleenex yourself.)

But I digress.

Back to Oprah - she'll be featuring the host from 'The Locator' and will be highlighting some big searches and reunions. One story that will be on is about an adoptee that has a terminal illness and is seeking her birthfamily.

So...just wanted to throw it out there for any of you that are interested!

And, stay tuned to my blog...'cuz I'm gonna tackle a post that stems from the conversation/comments from my last post about the Olympics & Adoption.

Adoption, Olympics & a heavy heart

2010-02-13T16:44:00.000-08:00

My half-bro (older and from my birthmother, not adopted) is at the Olympics. He's been posting updates, videos and pictures on his Facebook.

I am not his friend on Facebook, but because we have one friend in common and because his security settings are 'open to friends of friends', I have access to his pictures, his wall, and other stuff. I don't stalk his page. Sometimes I even forget it's there. But when I remember and look...and see comments made by my half-sis (older and from my bmom, not adopted) who is his FULL sister...I get this feeling in my heart.

Part of me thinks, shouldn't I be posting comments, too? Teasing him about his short legs and need to get his Olympic volunteer pants turned up because he's a shrimp? Ganging up on him, with my sister, about the 168 pictures he took at the Vancouver Aquarium of every animal that's in there? Leaving encouraging comments about how proud I am that my brother is working at the Olympics?

I miss him.

I dislike that I miss him.

I miss her, too. I dislike that, as well.

And it leaves me wondering...do they miss me, at all?

The Latest

2010-02-07T11:07:00.001-08:00

Here is the latest on my adoption stuff, in bullet form:

♥ Have not heard from Wendy since January 11th & I'm not feeling any urge to contact her again - it's up to her at the moment.

♥ I contacted my half-bro, A (my older half-bro from my bmom) via Facebook on Jan 27th. He had contacted me last year, asking to get together for lunch, so that he could 'update' me on my bmom's health/situation. I agreed to lunch, he didn't come, said he was busy with work (which, I know he was) and no further plans were made. My contact via FB was to ask him to meet, again, to get the scoop on my bmom because I am thinking about contacting her and wanted to know how she is...before I make contact because I don't want to cause her further confusion. No reply from him. He's heading out of town for the Olympics (ok, so I stalk his FB...because he has it 'open' to everyone) sometime this week...so, I'm not sure what to do.

♥ I've been contemplating contacting my older half-sis. I'm pretty sure it'd go over like a lead balloon...but, who knows. She likely will not respond to email (but, she included me in a general email less than a year ago because her email address was changing) so I was sorta thinking about tracking her down by phone.

♥ I do feel the need to go and see my bmom...again. I just need to. I can't explain it all...or at least, not right now. I dread the thought of calling her though...and having an awkward convo. It just doesn't feel *right* the way things were left. I just gotta get up the nerve...and I gotta figure out a good date, to visit, before I DO get in contact. It's my intention to have Sally go with me.

♥ I have no urge/want/need to talk to my birthfather. That has completely passed. There's a song by Kelly Clarkson called 'Beautiful Disaster'. It reminds me of my bfather everytime I hear it.

♥ I DO wanna see Nana H (bfather's side) again. I like her. The last time I saw her (some months back) she said, as I was leaving, "I love you dear. Next time you come down we should take some time and go to the Walmart."

That's the gist of where I am in regard to my bfam.

And all is right, again, in my world! ♥

2010-02-06T19:34:00.000-08:00

My California Mama (aka 'Sally') is a California Mama no more!

She actually arrived back on (cold) Canadian soil at the beginning of the week, but we only got to catch up (on the phone) this evening. Can I tell you how much I missed her? (And that I didn't realize HOW MUCH until I heard her sweet voice?)

This Mama just makes everything better.

It's kinda funny...'cuz while I was filling her in on the numerous things that had taken place in my world while she was in the sun, I giggled to myself. A year ago, our conversations lasted, maybe, five minutes? I just didn't talk. I had walls up around my heart and they weren't comin' down for anyone. A.N.Y.O.N.E.

Now?

I just open up and spill my guts. I trust her. I tell her EVERYTHING. Seriously - everything!

She has worked her butt off to earn my trust and earned it, she has. I'd like to say that I've worked hard to earn HER trust, too.

I can't wait to squeeze her neck, tomorrow!

(PS - LB met her birthmother!!! I saw her afterwards and we chatted about it all. Can't wait 'til she posts her update!)

Untangling the Strings ~ I'm Free

2010-02-05T15:03:00.000-08:00

The other evening I attended a concert with a friend (that I met/know through my suicide prevention activities - and stay tuned for a post about this...'cuz I got some pretty wicked news this week!) and I have to tell you that the evening put my feet firmly back on the ground. In a desperately needed way.

This is hard to put into written words, but I had a bit of an epiphany moment during the singer's first song, called Free. It was literally like the chains that were tied around me, keeping my legs, arms and heart bound, were cut loose.

My life, since I was a young child, has always been ruled and focused on the issue that has impacted me most. Adoption.

Looking back, it feels like it took over my life. It WAS my life. And, I think...at times...that it's kinda sad, really. I spent so much time as a little girl, teenager and now adult, bound by the pain that adoption brought into my heart. I have been wondering what would have made my adoption experience different than it has been (I've felt disconnected, unattached...lost). Open adoption? That would have changed a lot, but it wasn't a common thing to do in the late 70's. What if I had to wait until I was older to search? I was 17 when I initially found and met my bmom. I may have been more mature, but no one could have stopped me from finding her at that time. The bigger question is, would my life have been the same, had I not been adopted?

Yesterday evening I was talking with Tor about my birthfamily. About all of them. We were talking about what life would have been like, had we been raised by our birthmothers. And would it have been worse, better or the same?

I said that I was 100% sure (I then changed it to 99% sure) that my life would have been worse, had I been raised by my birthmother. I know this to be true in my heart and soul. I'm not going to get into all of the reasons why I believe this, but I know this to be true.

Adoption has taken over my life. But it just can't. Not anymore.

It will always be a part of my life. I was adopted. I'm a birth-daughter. I'm an adopted daughter. I have two biological half-sisters and one bio half-brother. I have a birthmother and a birthfather. I have numerous biological aunts, uncles and cousins. They are part of my story. They always will be. While adoption will always be a part of my story, it is not going to hold the sadness, disconnection, longing and any negative-ish-ness stuff that I've let it hold, anymore. Yep, I know this will take some work and time.

The path of my life wasn't set by me being placed for adoption. It was set out by God. And I know that He had (and has) a plan for me. He had it all set out before I was even thought of. Like Psalm 139 says:

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

How freakin' amazing and awesome is that? That I am HIS. I am HIS. I love the line, "My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place." Oh, how I love that.

Adoption has held, often, a negative space in my life and heart. I may never have a relationship with my birthfamily. I may have a relationship with my birthfamily. Only He knows. This does not mean that I won't struggle or make contact with my bfam. I just know that all I can do, really, is pray and keep my heart open for possibilities. The rest is up to Him and I need to hand it over to Him...even if that needs to happen every hour.

I refuse to be bound by fear, lies and darkness.

I want to live my life fully and run towards Him and my dreams.

I'm just so thankful.

I felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders while Jann Arden belted out the words to her latest song, Free, which is from her latest album titled Free. I'm untangling the strings that I've let keep me bound.

I dunno about you, but dang it's empowering.

I'm free.

To see/hear Jann's video/song Free, click HERE!

Let her tell you, herself!

2010-02-04T17:32:00.000-08:00

I know some of you have been asking me about LB - my good pal who just found her birthmother. Well, I'm not gonna update you on her story. I'll let her tell you, herself.

You can find her over at Behind the Walls - she just made her first blog entry on her brand spankin' new blog! And, there are only two sleeps until she meets her birthmother, face to face, on Saturday.

Go and leave her some encouragement, will ya?

Difficult words...

2010-02-02T17:43:00.000-08:00

I'm slightly at a loss for words, this evening.

I know that my blog consists - mainly - of adoption related posts. But, if you've followed closely or know me more personally, you'd know that the issue I am most passionate about (even more than adoption) in my life is the issue of suicide, suicide prevention and all things mental-health related. I've struggled with depression at different points in my life and I've been pretty candid about what I've personally experienced - including a piece I wrote for the local paper...I posted it on here, somewhere! I'll try to find the post and link it after.

I lost my sweet friend, Emily, in October of 2006 by suicide. Em took her life after struggling with depression, being mis-diagnosed with various psych illnesses and some other major issues in her life. I remember everything leading up to the day she left this world - October 16th - and I remember where I was when I got the call...and then my life changed even more deeply (than had already been changed by my own struggles).

I am a suicide prevention and mental-health advocate! (To say the very least.) This is an issue that has been handed to me by God. He placed this on my lap...and trust me when I say that I've tried to hand (throw it with everything in me) it back to Him. It's a big responsibility. But, it makes my heart move more than anything else.

Tonight, I found out that one of Emily's friends, Karen-Ann...just took her own life. I'm at a loss for words. I have such mixed feelings. Sadness for the pain that Karen-Ann, clearly, was in. Compassion for her family and friends. Great empathy because I know personally what this pain feels like...on both sides. And, I feel some anger, too...because this death WAS preventable.

Please folks, if you're having thoughts of suicide or suspect someone you love may be thinking about suicide...please reach out to someone. Go and see your doctor, talk to a friend, call a help-line (in Canada you can call 1-800-668-6868, in the US you can call 1-800-SUICIDE - they are toll free and will NOT show up on your phone bill and both ARE confidential!), talk to someone at your church and if necessary, take yourself to the ER. Just please, reach out.

In the meantime, if you're so inclined...please keep Karen-Ann's loved ones in your prayers. While death is always difficult and sad...and I know that she is in Heaven, I've found that death by suicide brings also a different level of grief and questions as to 'why, why, why?'

Have you lost a loved one by suicide? Please feel free to share your experiences with me in the comments section.

New Look

2010-02-01T16:08:00.000-08:00

I think I need some blog changes. I don't particularly like this background...I just picked it to check it out. (Note: the blog background I did not like is no longer on the background...lol) I also wish I could make a better header...and be able to post stuff on both sides of the blog/screen.

I'm great at templates and can mess around a bit...but I'm wondering if I have any computer savvy pals out there who might be able to offer some suggestions, thoughts, advice...etc.

Help a girl out, yo?

xo

(Be patient while I'm makin' some changes...and feel free to leave your thoughts and suggestions!)

The tears...

2010-01-31T23:29:00.000-08:00

Earlier this evening, I sat with LB (see What I Wished For - Jan 24/10 entry) while she told her Auntie, that not only had she taken an active interest in finding out more about her adoption, but that she had found her birthmother and will be meeting her this coming Saturday.

Yes, LB works quickly, eh?

(LB and I seemed to 'share' some nervous laughter and giggles as we sat down with Auntie, who was not aware of the impending adoption conversation, with our mugs of hot chocolate.)

Being curious about adoption isn't new to me. Searching for birthparents and various other biological relatives is not new, either. My investigative skills are pretty awesome, to be quite frank. And, all things reunion really ain't new to me, either, since it'll be 14 years on Thursday, that I first 'found' my own birthmother.

(Some nervous smiling and giggling still ensued as Auntie cracked open nuts - this is why I kinda adore this woman - while listening to LB's details about her birthmother.)

LB has been talking...ok, chatting via Facebook...with her birthmom for six-ish (?) days now. Little by little they have been exchanging information, getting to know one another and starting to develop a foundation to - oh, I pray - a life-giving, life-long relationship.

Auntie had many questions, "Why now?"

"I've always wanted to find her," answered LB.

"What about your birthfather? Why not find him?" she asked.

"I don't know," said LB. "Maybe, at some point. I don't know."

Auntie picked up her nut-cracker, cracked another one and asked, "So, tell me what you know about her. What does she do? Where does she live? Does she have any other kids?"

(I drifted away from the conversation, reflecting on my own search and reunion...also painfully remembering that 14 years later...I have no relationship with my own birthmother. I have no relationship with the woman who gave me life.)

LB shared what she knew about the circumstances of her adoption. She began to talk about her birthmother and the info her bmom had offered to her thus far.

(I swallowed the uncried tears and lump in my throat. My head began to pound.)

LB's birth-grandmother (her bmom's mother) wanted to keep her. It was her birth-grandfather that wanted LB placed for adoption. Her birthmother cried every year on LB's birth day. She longed to find the daughter that she lost, but yet had no idea where/how to start. It's my impression, sadly, that she likely never even realized that she had the right to do so.

(I bit my lip. Tried to avoid eye contact. Considered pushing back my chair, grabbing my cell phone, rushing to the bathroom and locking myself in while I made an emergency call to my pal, Tor, who I was certain would have understood the tears and sobs without any need for an explanation.)

Auntie told LB she was happy that she decided to share this with her. She said she supports her doing this - as we knew she would. She said that if SHE were adopted, she would be curious and would want to see where she came from and what her background was.

I think it's a natural instinct to want to find, know and see people that are related to you. To me, and from my experiences in adoption and reunion and just life in general, although you may not have grown up with 'said person' IN your life...there can STILL be a connection. And really, it's inexplicable. I couldn't explain to Auntie, WHY an adoptee would usually search for their BIRTHMOTHER before their birthfather. But, I'd hazard to guess that it's because the adoptee spent nine months inside their mother's body.

Growing. Surviving. Living.

And babies LIVE off of their mothers. We all know this. There is absolutely not only a physiological connection between baby and mother, but also a psychological connection. If you don't *get* this (blog friends), go online or to your nearest bookstore and get a copy of Nancy Verrier's article called The Primal Wound: Legacy of the Adopted Child. I find that this article can explain the connection far better than I can. And, to be perfectly honest...I don't understand the connection fully. And...to be even MORE honest...I kinda wish the connection - for me - wasn't so dang strong.

Auntie said that she gets the curiosity part. Then she said that if she knew she had a sister/half-sister out there in the world, she would most definitely want to find her and know her. Auntie couldn't imagine NOT knowing a sister/half-sister...if she had one.

(This was almost the straw. I have a sister. A half-sister. A 'big' sister. I'm a little sister.)

Connections are strong between sisters.

(I miss her every single day.)

It's difficult. Reunion. I underestimated the impact of someone else's reunion on my heart. Someone that I care deeply about, nonetheless. And it's not that it's too difficult in a way that I wouldn't want to know, be there, be a part of it...because that's not it. Because I do, I will be and I want to be. I want to know it all...or as much as LB is willing to share with me.

But, it's challenging for my heart.

I didn't know that my heart still hurts...a lot.

I didn't realize that I still long for some kind of connection with my birthfamily.

And yes, the tears...I did not know that I had so many left to shed.

Some Good Stuff

2010-01-29T09:46:00.000-08:00

Have I mentioned how much I love to read people's stories...through their blogs? I love it. I know, myself, that when you have a blog...you often take down the walls that you would keep in place if you were talking to someone face to face. I know that is how it often works for me. I would likely NOT be so candid - face to face - about what I share with you folks here on my blog.

There are several blogs that I check daily to see if they've been updated. I've added a couple 'new' (perhaps, to you) blogs to my Fave Blogs list. The new blogs that I've added include:

1. Rebekah - Her Journey. This is one freakin' amazing birthmother that I just respect beyond words. And, her story connects with another blog that I LOVE - Rebekah & Ben's Open Adoption. Yes, there are two Rebekahs. And they share an amazing story...and God's hand is clearly all over their connection and the precious boy they share.

2. Melissa - Full Circle. Ok, so I found her blog one evening just before midnight. And, I couldn't stop reading. I read for over two hours before I just couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. Melissa is an adoptee...and she and her hubby are pursuing to adopt through foster care. There's something really special about Melissa. I find her enthusiasm and honesty uplifting. You gotta check this blog out.

3. Amy - Amstel Life. Amy is a birthmom in open adoption. I love her story, because she has an awesome relationship with her daughter and her daughter's parents. When I read her story (and Rebekah and Rebekah's story) I always feel like...'THIS is what adoption should look like'.

(And please don't leave me comments that say, "But Laurel...adoption just sometimes doesn't work out that way..." because I know this. I'm talking in an ideal world, here.)

So, get a cup of whatever ya wanna drink and check out these blogs. And, check out the other blogs I have listed! Especially Victoria's blog, Rebekah & Ben's blog, Suz's blog (Writing my Wrongs), and Amanda's blog.

Wendy Scoop

2010-01-25T18:56:00.000-08:00

Wendy, Wendy, Wendy... Oi vey.

The last I wrote on here - I believe - was that Wendy's last contact was about making a business proposal to me...about some weird vitamin type substance that could (or as she claimed WOULD) heal all that ails ya! I said no thanks. And that was that.

On New Years, I sent her a text message that just said that I hoped their Christmas and New Years were awesome. No reply. I assumed that she likely wouldn't reply, because when I knew her last, she had no idea how to even get her text messages, let alone text back. So, on January 7th, I emailed her...(FYI, 'A' is her son) and here are the exchanges:

Me to Wendy:
Hi,

I sent you a text message the other day - not sure if you received it. Just said I haven't heard from you in a bit and hope your Christmas and New Years were awesome. And, that if you get some free time and feel up to hanging, let me know.

So, let me know! :o)

Wendy to Me:
Hey there, I wouldn’t know if I had a text message, I will have to get A to show me. Things have been hectic. Of course I would love to hang out. Lots to catch up on. Thanks for the E-mail. Made my day.. We are going to *PLACE* tomorrow morning for a tournament. I will have to let you know when the *CITY* games are so you can go to them. (I will make time)

Me to Wendy:
Yes, I figured you probably didn't know how to get your texts. You should learn...it's really easy if you can get the hang of it. I'm sure A could teach you in a few minutes.

And yes, make time! To hang! You have my number, right?

Hope all goes well in *PLACE*.

Wendy to Me:
I found your text message. *COWORKER* and I just played around with our cells and sent each other a text message so, “I think I got it” If I don’t screw up, I will text you on the scores…

---> I did not receive any text messages over the weekend, which was fine. I actually didn't think about it at all.

Wendy to Me: (after weekend)
Hey there,

Sorry I didn’t text you, forgot my phone sitting on my table. Good place for it.

The kids had a ball…. They lost the first game. The second game, the other team played rough and the refs didn’t call anything. The last game we played the champions. Our boys played their hearts out and we won by quite a bit. It was a screamer of a game. Everything went well.

Me to Wendy:
Sounds like the last game was a good one. Those are the kind I enjoy.

My weekend was pretty chill...didn't do too much. Spent some of Saturday at the hospital with a cousin who just had surgery. I also tried to reorganize my kitchen on the weekend...but there's too much stuff and not enough space (or I'm not using the space correctly). My kitchen is only galley style, so it's kinda small.

*Anddd...cue...NOTHING in reply!*

I thought by replying with some odds and ends that I did on that weekend would give her a clue that I was opening the door to her more. But, no reply. And nothing more on hang time.

At this point...honestly, I'm not sweating it. And I don't have a feeling of anxiety about whether or not she'll even get in touch. It just - at this point - is what it is! I can't control any of it...only my response and my actions. So, quite frankly, all is well on my end at the moment...it's in her lap. She's said numerous times now, since August...that she wants to see me and hang out. This is NOT new in Wendy world. This IS her usual behavior. No curve balls here.

Do I want to hear from her? Yes. Do I want her to make time for me? Yes. Do I want to see her and have a relationship with her? Honestly, yes.

Is my happiness depending on it? Is my inner peace depending on it? Is my world depending on it?

No. Not anymore.

What I Wished For

2010-01-24T19:22:00.000-08:00

I always find it fascinating to meet another adoptee. I love to hear their story (and in general, I love to hear anyone's story, because we all have one). I drink it in. I throw it around in my head and heart for hours and wonder why we ended up with the 'story' we did. How life leads us all down a different path.

In the Fall of last year, I began to get to know a very sweet girl, who I will refer to as LB. Our paths crossed in a very loud way - 'cuz that's the way God seems to get my attention, by chucking various people my way. I don't always listen TO Him, or FOR Him...and I can be pretty stubborn...so, when He is tired of my fooling around, He will put people on my path.

Okay, so what REALLY caught my attention was when I was told that LB was adopted. Mention adoption...and you have my full attention. When I heard this, I really got down to business and we made plans to go for lunch and a chat.

The rest is history.

LB quickly became a close friend. Actually, I was thinking about this today and to be honest, she doesn't feel only like a 'close' friend...but she feels like she's been a close friend for many years. I can only speak for myself, but I know that I've shared pieces of myself with her...that I haven't shared with almost anyone. It's not awkward. It's not weird. It's comfortable.

When I approached her on the topic of adoption, she didn't say too much. So I gave her my blog address...and she began to read my story. Then we started to talk more about adoption. To make a long story short - and to save on time - she opened up to me about what she knew, gave some basic details and I think that my blog (and others connected to mine) really brought forth some curiosity for her about her own adoption.

Since this time, we've tracked down her birthmother (thanks Facebook!) and other relatives. LB added her bmother as a friend, her bmother accepted. Now, LB sent a private message to her bmother. And...the lovely 'wait' begins.

To witness LB's story and everything that seems to be coming together, makes me think about my own story. It makes me think about my birthmother, M. It makes me wonder what (if anything) I could have done to change our reunion story. I wish our story was able to have a fresh start, like LB has, with her birthmother.

I am not jealous. I don't resent - in any way - LB's possible (I'm praying so hard for this!) good, healthy and healing reunion. In fact, I long for her reunion and possible relationship with her birthmom to BE amazing. I have prayed and prayed that LB's heart and her birthmom's heart will be soft and open to the possibility of a relationship that could be healing for the BOTH of them. Nothing would make me happier.

Do I wish that M and I had a better relationship? Absolutely. Especially since February 10th will mark 14 years since we first met briefly while I was in high school. Fourteen years. FOURTEEN years of in and out, up and down, happy and sad, mad and glad, hot and cold...reunion stuff.

It hasn't been great.

And to be even more honest...I don't miss M. Because, what is there to miss? All that I know about her, personally, could likely fit on an index card. I know she likes to watch America's Most Wanted and Dog the Bounty Hunter (fyi, I LOVE Dog!). I know that she likes cheesies. She almost died about five years ago. She knits and plays bingo. And she's my biological mother. Can you believe that's all I basically know about my own birthmother? (Not including what I know from my non-identifying adoption document.)

I miss what I once wished she would be, that she isn't.

I miss what we could have had, but don't.

I miss something that never even existed and likely never will...

...or maybe, it will - just not in the way I pictured it.

California Mama

2010-01-20T21:17:00.000-08:00

My Mama left this morning for California. She's off to the (hopefully! join me in prayer for this!) sunny West coast for some much needed vacation time and for a work engagement. I miss her already. And, because I've never - since she sat down at my table - really been unable to access her for a period of more than a couple of days, I've been reminiscing about how we met and how the relationship we now share came to be.

I know...you're thinking...can ya clarify who Mama is? I know I haven't referred to her, on here, as Mama. But that's what I call her 99% of the time. Mama = Sally. If you haven't been a long-time blog reader, look on the right side of this page and click on 'Who Is Sally?' under the Catch Up On My Story section.

When we met again in April 2008 (after briefly meeting when I was 10 years old), it did not occur to me that I would ever call this woman Mama. I know it wasn't on her mind the day I shared half of my life story with her in a 30 minute period, during lunch at a conference we were both attending.

Now - she epitomises the meaning of Mother. Mom. Mama. In the truest sense. She listens to me, supports me, encourages me, cheers me on, hugs me, holds me, advises me, stands-beside me, sings to me, laughs with me, shares with me, teaches me, makes me yummy food and so much more.

Most importantly, she just loves me. Right where I am. Unconditionally.

It's taken a lot of work to get to where we are today. She's invested more time, love and energy into me than anyone ever has. She has never failed me. She has never given up. Ever. Of course, she's not perfect...but she honestly has never ceased to love me, even when I was unlovable...never ceased to stand by me, even when I was worthy of running away from and never ceased believing in me, even when I believed in nothing.

Last weekend, we spent an evening together at her home, which feels like my own. She made dinner (my request was her yummy lasagna) and after we ate, we hung out in her living room with a roaring fire in the fire-place. I laid out on her couch...she had her feet up in a chair...and we just talked. The conversation flowed so easily. For four hours. We talked about anything and everything.

After Mama put another log on the fire, I slid my hand in hers (I do this often with her, for some reason) while we stared at the fire and I realized something. Huge.

I trust her completely.

I know that no matter what I bring to her, she will always take care of it. And I finally believe in my heart...that she will never leave me. I've finally taken down my walls. I've let her in. I've opened the door and it remains open.

As we sat there...in a comfy silence...I said, "Mama?" She said, "Yes, dear heart?" I said, "You are my safest place."

Mama smiled and said, "That's a blessing."

I agree. I am a blessed girl.

Life & update on Kate

2010-01-19T21:21:00.001-08:00

I'm workin' on a few updates. There's even a Wendy update. And another update in regards to my birthfamily (bmom/bro/sis). Stay tuned.

In the meantime, I'm asking for prayer for Sweet Kate. Her parents have a blog and it's listed under my blog list on the right side of this page. Just click on 'Sweet Kate' and it'll take you to the blog that her parents are writing to give updates on Kate's situation.

They need prayer - please take a moment to lift Kate up in prayer and her Mom, Holly and Dad, Aaron, sister, Oliva and brother, Will. They are facing some huge decisions right now in regard to Kate's brain tumour and how they will move forward with treatment. Kate has been through brain surgery, chemo and numerous other invasive medical treatment...with the intention of getting rid of that tumour forever. They now face the tremendous task of deciding what to do next. Kate's tumour HAS shrunk (PTL!)!!! But, now the choices of what needs to be done next, surface. I can't imagine the weight of these decisions that Holly and Aaron carry. Please pray for them. For the doctors. For everyone that has a hand in Kate's care.

This kid is amazing, to say the least. Despite the daily tests, treatment and physical therapy she's enduring, Kate's sweet spirit always prevails. She's my hero.

Please continue, with me, to hold them in prayer.

You're not unique

2010-01-08T12:11:00.000-08:00

When people threaten - ok, 'threaten' is a strong word - rather, 'suggest' the possibility that they may not be in my life for whatever reasons (because of something I do or don't do, or because of something I am or am not), y'know what I think/feel?

Do it. Go.

Do you think you're the first person who has ever suggested that to me? Implied it? Or even actually done that? Do you think that I actually believed for more than 10 seconds that you WOULD actually stay...forever?

You forget.

My own mother...my birthmother...the woman who carried me for nine months, with me kicking inside of her very core - left me. Gave me up. Walked away. Walked out. She refused the opportunity to see (she had a c-section and NEVER saw any part of me) me and hold me.

She left me with perfect strangers.

She relinquished me and signed her name on a line, when I was only days old, hearing my cries and screams from the nursery next door. (And, she knew it was me because I was the only infant in the agency.)

She HEARD HER baby's cry...and she walked out the door, to return to HER family and her TWO other children. It's not lost on me that she wanted a life with her husband and two children, more than she wanted me in her life, as a reminder of her affair with a man that was 16 years younger than her.

So, let's be really clear. Or, rather, let ME be really clear.

I never thought that you would be any different.

I am still here!

2009-12-01T10:43:00.000-08:00

I am working on a few new blog entries, which will be titled:
- 3 am Friends
- Rod Stewart is my birthfather?
- Adoptive parents who rock
- The best & worst of 2009
- Living MY dash

Keep an eye out for 'em. Also keep an eye out for some new blogs that I'm going to be adding to my fave blog list! Well, the blogs themselves aren't new, but they are new to me.

If you're a regular reader of my blog...you'll be familiar with the name Kate - view her blog by clicking on Sweet Kate under my fave blogs list. Please continue to keep Kate and her family in your prayers. Also, tune into Dr. Phil tomorrow, because Kate will be on the show. Dr. Phil and Robin took a special trip just to meet Kate and her family...so, check it out!

I'll be updating regularly again very, very soon!

An Ah-ha moment!

2009-11-13T08:00:00.001-08:00

I love reading the comments left by my blog readers. I particularly love it when a new reader comments and then, I get to explore THEIR blog. It's like being give a key to open a window to someone's heart. Blogs can be very intimate. I love this.

So, I wandered on over to Isle Dance's blog. You can find the link to her blog by looking at the comments on my last blog entry - and clicking on her 'name'.

What caught my eye when I did go to her page, was the quote at the top of her blog. I love quotes. Like, really. I love quotes. Words. Answers.

This was the quote:
"There's an old saying that you can't have a war when one side doesn't show up. Be that side. Do what you have to to address the situation and then walk away from the drama. Not only do you give yourself (and the problem) the greatest chance for a successful outcome, more important, you protect your peace of mind – the most valuable gain of all." - Cheryl Richardson

This is exactly where I want to be - and NEED to be, in order to survive my on-going reunion with my bfam.

What's wrong with me?

2009-11-11T17:20:00.000-08:00

(Note: I realize the typos in my last blog...but am not going to fix them.)

So, tonight I got an email. From my brother's birthmother (my older bro is adopted). I've written about her before...because I saw her back in - I don't know - June? Maybe?

And, I was just thinking to myself...it's sad. That my brother's birthmom wants to talk to me, know me and see me...more than my own stinking birthfamily. How crazy is that? And, the thing is...J GENUINELY wants to know me and see me. She doesn't drill me for info on my bro (who is not in relationship with her or any of his bfam) or my family...she just wants to know what I'm up to, how I'm doing and wants me to know how she is and what she's up to (and the rest of her fam).

Also, for reasons unknown, her contact...is healing and calming. Haven't figured out why...but it is. Thank the Lord.

Why doesn't my own birthfamily not want anything to do with me? None of them contact me on their own. Wendy emails me...but only when it will serve her to be in contact with me...and I don't feel her contact is genuine (ok, maybe it is...in a flakey-hot-pink-nails kinda way) and I mean, my birthmother and her family definitely want nada to do with me.

What did I do wrong? How come my life brings all of them such pain...and disgust...that they don't even want to know me? Their own blood? What's wrong with me? I get that I was/am a result of an affair between my bmom and bdad and they had an age difference of 16 years and she was married with kids, already. But, why is that MY prob? Why do I need to carry it for the rest of my life?

I just don't get it. I can't comprehend their thoughts/actions.

And, maybe more importantly...what the heck is wrong with THEM?!

Flicks

2009-11-09T14:00:00.000-08:00

So, I'm sitting here. Wanting to write...but not sure what to blog about! Sure, lots to share...but what do I REALLY wanna share?

Recent movies?

I saw Whip It, with my pal, Mar, a few weeks ago. I'd give it an 8.5 out of 10. I enjoy Ellen Page. I also was really inspired by the movie...because it really was about going for what you are passionate about. And, really, how many people get up every morning and are able to do something that they are PASSIONATE about? That's my goal. How to accomplish it? I've yet to figure that out.

I also saw The Stepfather, with my bff, Cornpop. I'd give it a 5 - and only because it did have some entertainment value. It was fake and cheesy from the very beginning, but it did entertain. I also enjoy Sela Ward. She has nice teeth. Don't be surprised to see a sequel for this one...because The Stepfather lived...apparently, after he fell through the attack and then off the top of the house.

On Saturday, I saw This Is It, with my younger cousin. She's a Michael Jackson mega-fan (she's almost 13 and didn't even listen to his music until after he died). I give this flick a 10. It's not a *movie*. It's not a chronicle of his life and/or death. It's not a documentary. It's hard to hit the nail on the head in explaining this flick.

While MJ was rehearsing for his upcoming tour, they were filming the entire thing...to document it. And, it left me feeling like I had the experience of seeing him in concert, witnessing his pure genuis as an entertainer and a very small glimpse of his passion and heart. It blew me away. It mentioned NOTHING of his passing. It was good. And, what was even more interesting...was that no one moved after it was over. While the credits rolled...everyone just sat there, in silence. As if they were tossing it around in their heads and hearts.

I give it two thumbs up.

So, I replied and got a reply...

2009-11-07T14:53:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I did respond to Wendy...she responded back to me...and again, me to her. Here's how it went. (Look to my previous blog entry to see her email to me...after disappearing for two months.)

Me to Wendy:
Yes, lots happening!

Last I heard from you, it was almost two months ago and you said you'd be in touch really soon, to let me know when you may have some time to get together. You were also going to let me know when I could come by to meet R, as well - never did hear back and couldn't understand why.

What is the business venture? My life is very full right now, but you said you'd love to talk about it, so feel free. I'm open to listening and giving it some thought.

Laurel

Wendy to me:
Two month ago! Oh my god I don’t believe it. We only saw R the night of our party. HE spent all his time with his son. He had some trouble with the law and R came home to appear in court with him and to spend some quality time. I was a little pissed at that but I knew that he had to spend his time with M. H got to see him a couple of times but I have no idea when.

My mother has been having a very hard time with her MS. Non stop, every day, something new. I have been examining a number of things that she may be able to take that her system won’t reject. I know an RN in *province* who had two weeks to live and she told me about this product. It has been sooo amazing for so many things that I am just blown away. My mother has experienced numerous things. Anyway if you get a chance to look it up, it is called Waiora. We also have a site that has real testimonies. This site is updated on a regular basis. This product is also guaranteed to work within one month or your money back. People would be stupid NOT to take this. The lady from *province* is Bev E. It has been a year now for her and just by telling others about the product, she has made 40,000. It is amazing and I know you will like it.

Me to Wendy:
I looked up Waiora - interesting. Seems like it's helped numerous folks! After reading, I'm not (personally) really interested in the product. But, I do hope it can help your mother (I'll continue to keep her in prayer, too)!

Laurel

I did not get a response back from her. I sent my last response on Wednesday afternoon.

So, here are some of my thoughts.

One, after researching this product, the deal is...people get $ from referring OTHERS to the product. Her second long paragraph with details on her mother, seriously looked, to me, like she copy and pasted it. Also, when she wanted to "partner" with me...last time I checked, she is flakey...but not mentally challenged (though you could argue she is) and why in the world would anyone want to PARTNER with someone who they don't get along with and/or have a stable relationship with. Y'know? So, my guess...is her business venture email, asking me to partner up, was a way of trying to get me to the product, so she could then cash in on refering me. I'm guessing she sent that email to everyone else in her address book.

Two, since July, when I saw Nana H and Wendy initiated contact by emailing me when she heard I was in town, I have asked Wendy if she could spare any time to hang and her first reaction was "I will let you know when I have time, really soon." That was back at the end of July. I since have, again, asked for time...to which she told me about their family reunion...and then just went AWOL and never responded to me at all. Here we are...in November...and I still haven't seen her. And, I wonder...is this just flakey Wendy, again? Or, again, is this relationship just *on* when she wants it to be. Sometimes...with my birthfamily...I've felt like a show-and-tell item. Ok...well, we have this relative that was given for adoption...and it's kinda cool to have her around sometimes...makes for a good conversation topic with friends, to say...oh yeah, well my hubby's brother gave his daughter up for adoption and she contacted us a few years back...etc.

Like, really. Wtf gives, people?

Three, Wendy goes MIA for two months...and then when she emails...she wants me to go into business with her? She never asked how I was. Never said, have you found a job? (She knew I was not employed back in the summer.) Never said...hey, I'll be in the city on *whatever day*, wanna go for lunch? Or, hey, I have like 2 hours free on Saturday...want to drive up for a quick lunch/tea?

It all really freaking sucks.

I haven't contacted her further. I felt like...if I did...I would do it out of anger and expectation. When I take action for those reasons...it NEVER works out. And, to be honest, Wendy is not necessarily mature and able to be an adult, if she hears something she doesn't like and/or feels attacked. I'll spare the details...but email is not a good venue to put your feelings out there - with her. Anyone else? Great. Wendy? Not so much.

Yesterday, I felt the need to email her to clarify and ask her...what is the deal? Do you not wanna see me? Is it too much? Are you putting it off? Is this a game to you? But again - it would have been for the same reasons as in the above paragraph.

So, my plan, is to email her, this coming week...if it sits right in my heart...and ask her - AGAIN - if she can figure out when she might have some free time to have a visit. And...it's my intention...to get together...and then I hope to talk some stuff out with her. Nothing big - I know she can't handle too much - but to get a general feeling about what she can offer and what she can't.

This may take some time, to send this email. I have a lot on my plate right now. One step at a time.

Old Love

2009-11-03T15:29:00.001-08:00

I had a dream last night about a friend - a guy friend - from high school. Mind you, I knew him after high school...did a year in university with him and still see him around from time to time. I had a dream about him last night and the entire day, he's been on my mind and I wondered...what could have been, between us.

T and I clicked immediately. We became fast friends, first. He was funny...I was funny and when we were together, we were always in tears from laughter and having fun. We hung out. Danced. Went to the mall. Drove around the local streets (once we got our licenses!) until our curfew came in the night. Ate...a lot. Went to movies. Talked about life issues. We were good friends. I cared about him and he cared about me.

The problem? And, perhaps why we aren't together today...is because of his culture. His family is Indian and his parents are from India. Needless to say, I was not his mother's dream girl that she pictured her son with. She (and his father) wanted an arranged marriage with an indian girl. T wasn't so sure he wanted that, but followed his mother's rules.

I remember, one time in high school, we went out for coffee one evening and he handed me a letter. It was a love letter. He told me he had deep feelings for me and thought that we might be meant to be. More than friends. Perhaps even soulmates. To be honest...I felt the exact same way. But, at the time, I told T that his mother would never approve, so why would we even go 'there'? So, we didn't. But, we continued to be best buddies and although I took a date to my senior prom (and he went as a date for my best friend), we spent most of the evening dancing, kidding around and might as well have been each other's date.

Two years ago, T called me outta the blue. We hadn't seen one another for a few years...just kinda drifted apart. And, so we went to lunch. As soon as I saw him...the feelings just came over me like a wave and I was filled with longing to just wrap my arms around him and tell him all of what had happened in my life over those three years. I wanted to. I knew in my heart we'd be a great couple. I knew that he felt the same way.

I asked T, during lunch...if he thought we should give it a try. He said he'd thought of it over the years...numerous times...but that he invited me to lunch for a reason. A big one.

His parents, just a month prior, decided on a girl for him to marry. T said that he didn't agree with it...but felt the need to follow the tradition of his culture and parents urging. My heart broke...although I understood. I didn't necessarily agree with an arranged marriage, but I understood.

The worst part? Is that he told me he still had feelings for me. And, he wished that he didn't have to wed a girl that he never even knew and didn't know if he'd like her. But, he was hoping she would grow on him...and that they COULD fall in love and be life partners forever.

Oh, how I wish things were different. If T showed up at my door tonight, I'd welcome him in with open arms. I loved him then. I still love him, today.

I saw T, and his wife, at the mall last Christmas. I could tell in his eyes...that he still loved me...and I still loved him. But, I also could see that his wife is beautiful, clearly very smart (he's a doctor, himself) and that she loved him. Or, at least she looked like she did.

He deserves to be loved. And, I haven't talked to him since...but I truly do wish him and his sweet wife...a happy and blessed life.

But, it's interesting...to go back...to wonder 'what if' and wonder what could have been. I can't go back. Neither can he. However, last night's dream left me missing him, feeling slightly empty...and wondering if we could have ever made a go of it.

'It' being a life. Together.

Business venture...huh?

2009-10-29T10:27:00.001-07:00

I had a procedure done yesterday. I was napping on my couch in the afternoon for a couple of hours, tired from the meds and everything. When I woke - in the middle of Dr. Phil, mind you - I picked up my Blackberry and had a couple of texts and a few emails. Guess who two of the emails were from?

C'mon...guess!

Wendy.

The first was a forward about H1N1. I didn't even read it.

The second? It said this:
Sorry I have not been in contact with you. Bad excuse but a lot of things happening. I have been working on a business venture and would really like YOU to partner with ME. Love to talk about it.

Ummm...excuse me?

She apparently has had so much happening that she couldn't send me off an email, or follow through on what she offered in her last email...for two months? Two months.

But...let's talk about the other issue... A business venture?! I laughed out loud. I am still giggling about it. Why in the world...would she want to partner with me? Someone who she's had a tumultuous (sp?) relationship with from the very beginning of when we met? We haven't seen one another in almost three years, let alone talked. Umm, can you say risky? The girl can't even keep her word on something small (and some things large). Why the heck would I wanna risk being involved in a business venture with HER?

I kinda wonder if it's just a ploy to get me to respond. Notice that she never addressed when she'd have time to hang out or the fact that she promised to arrange a meeting with my uncle...2 months ago...and never followed up whatsoever, in any way.

I haven't responded. Dunno when I will.

Nada

2009-10-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

I haven't heard from Wendy. I have, since the last time I posted her name on my blog, but since that day, I have not heard from her. The last time we emailed was on Friday, September, 4th (which, by the way, was also the day that I had a CAT scan and it was discovered that I had a five inch mass in my transverse colon). I sent off another email, asking if she had free time that weekend...which was a holiday here, Labour Day. Wendy replied and told me that the weekend would be the D Family reunion weekend. The annual party that she and Mike throw at their house on the lake. Read: my paternal birthfamily reunion. Read: Laurel is not welcome.

It's a little bizarre. Holding the power to turn everything upside down, for that side of my birthfamily. The family member that was placed...likely with the hope that she'd never return (I don't know really...I know that's kinda dramatic, but I feel dramatic today).

In the email, Wendy said she'd 'love' to invite me, but couldn't. She also reiterated that she'd be in touch 'real soon' with a time to hang out. And, she also offered to organize a get together the next week, for me to go up and meet an uncle that I had never met, who came from out west for the reunion. She said I would 'love' him.

I replied and didn't say anything in regard to the party. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all, right? However, I did accept her invite to meet another uncle. No reply from her. And, it wasn't a big surprise. I knew...from the past, that she would remember that I did not want to meet any relatives and wasn't eager to jump into meeting others on that side. I know she assumed that I would have the same feelings now...and it would take her off the hook...because she OFFERED something. So, when I replied with a positive yes...she didn't/couldn't follow through...and disappeared, as she always did...when things got difficult.

I'm unsure about what to do now, to be honest. Some days I want to contact her...and some days, it's just not worth it. Plus, as written above, I'm dealing with some other issues that have taken my focus the last couple of months.

It's just interesting to me. That Wendy hasn't changed one bit since the last time we had a relationship. And...since she hasn't...why do I even wanna go *there*? I know that I have changed. Perhaps that is why.

I need to be really strong on my own...before I open that door, again.

It just ain't worth it at this very moment.

It's (almost) my birthday

2009-10-13T19:43:00.000-07:00

Note: I wrote the following earlier today. I saved it in my draft folder to see how I'd feel after sitting with it. Below this first part is a second part - it's what I wrote after sitting with the first part.

Part One:

Tomorrow - October 14th - is my birthday. Please don't say Happy Birthday.

I'll be 31 years old and my birthday still holds mixed feelings and emotions, for me, as it has for years. Some years I make it through with flying colours and enjoy the day and love the cards, presents and phone calls from family and friends. Other years...I wish that October 14th didn't even exist.

This year, I wish that I could fast forward through the day. Because, this year, it seems to just bring sadness, confusion and a ton of frustration.

I know for adoptive parents the day of the birth of the child they've been entrusted with, is likely the best day in their entire lives. I know for my adoptive parents...it WAS one of the best days of their lives.

But, for me...it wasn't. How could it be? It's ridiculous.

I cannot visually recall the day that I was taken from M's tummy through c-section (I did NOT want to come out...it was not an easy labour) however, I believe that I can recall this day physically, emotionally and mentally. On October 14, 1978, I was taken from M's womb, our cord that held us together was cut...and I have no idea what took place between that moment and the moment I was taken home from the agency on November 7, 1978. M never saw me - at all, this was her choice. I know that I was taken from the hospital nursery (the agency is actually confused about what specific day this was) to the agency nursery. I know that I was the only baby there in the nursery the day M came in to sign the final papers around November 6th (she did not want to see me at this time either). I don't know anything else. I know that I was examined by a doctor, who determined that I was "suitable for adoption" (this is actually quoted on my non-identifying info sheets that I got pulled from my files). I don't know anything else.

To be perfectly honest, it's almost as if I didn't even exist during those three weeks. I didn't even exist to my adoptive family (as far as my adoptive mother is concerned, my life began the day they took me home and I simply just didn't exist before that day). It feels a little bit like Alice in Wonderland. I was stuck in the in-between. I had one birth certificate that was issued on October 14th, with a specific number, the name my bmom gave to me and her name. I received a different certificate when my adoptive parents took me 'home', with a new number, my new name that they gave to me and their names. I was, kinda, born twice.

Yeah...take that in for a moment.

I do know that my life was forever changed...on October 14th (in good ways, too). I know there was pain...and I know that I felt it all in my little baby body...and have carried it my entire life. The people who say, "Well, you were an infant...a baby doesn't know anything...get over it," are ignorant. I was there.

I'm grateful for the life I was given. Please don't think I'm not. But, I wasn't just an infant who didn't experience all of this simply because I was an infant (and was completely helpless). I may not be able to visually recall this entire experience...but I certainly CAN remember it on a different level...seeing as I was at the very centre of all of this junk.

Why would I want a freaking cake and candles...to celebrate the day that my birthmother left me alone with strangers for three weeks, before I was handed over to other strangers and taken 'home' to be part of a ready-made family? Like, really?!

Part Two:

I still have mixed feelings about my birthday. About having a cake. Lighting candles. People singing to me. Blowing out the candles while making a wish for the next year of my life. Doing all of this in recognition of the day I was born.

I wonder if I would feel differently...about my birthday, had I not been adopted. Of course, I can't ever experience that. It's impossible. I'll forever be poked and prodded by people on the 14th of October, for the rest of my life. Often, by people who don't even know the significance that this date holds for me and the reasons of why.

I'm grateful for my life. I'm even grateful for the family I grew up in...despite some really difficult circumstances this brought into my life. I am grateful. I just wish this certain pain didn't gnaw at my heart and soul...every year, at the same time, on varying levels.

I think that this year is particularly difficult because of my recent attempts to have a relationship with my bfam. I've been thinking of my birthmother, non-stop. I've been thinking of all of them. Wondering if we'll forever be in this space where we can't seem to stay in a relationship for longer than a month at a time with each other. I wonder if one day...we'll just be IN each other's lives and just be 'ok' with it all. I wonder if my relationships with them will ever fall into a 'normal' category...where we get past the intense moments that make us all run in the opposite direction of the other and just be able to sit with each other in an easy silence. A silence where we don't always have to be on our toes...predicting what the other will say...and preparing for when the other proverbial shoe will drop.

Lord, I pray for this. Daily.

I know this is a two-way street. I know that it isn't all about me.

But, on my birthday...it IS all about me. I didn't have a choice...in any of the adoption matters when I was growing inside my bmom's tummy and when I was cut out and shipped off to a baby nursery...with strangers.

I do have a choice, today. At least about what I do with this day...this year.

I know that regardless of what I do with tomorrow, it's not going to change the fact that things are the way they are. It's not going to change the fact that I'm adopted and am not currently in relationship with any of my birthfamily. I know that my birthmother won't be far from my mind and heart, tomorrow. But, I can fill the day with other good stuff...and focus on the positive.

So, tomorrow I'm turning 31. It's my birthday. I'll be celebrating by getting a massage and then am heading out to dinner with some awesome gal pals that I absolutely adore (and who love me, and I mean really love me...I'm so blessed) and back to one of my pal's place for cheesecake.

(Homemade, cheesecake, mind you. My sweet pal, V, is basically the Canadian version of Martha Stewart.)

After some deep thought (and conversation with Sally and Victoria and reading Psalm 139 a few times - check it out...especially you adoptees who read this blog!) I've decided it's okay if you say Happy Birthday.

I know that I haven't blogged in weeks and there are many reasons for that - which I may, or may not, elaborate on, soon. Thank you for caring and checking in on me and looking for updates. Hugs to all of you - my faithful blog readers!

Hola

2009-09-19T07:21:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't updated in quite a long time. And, really...there is a ton I could update on. I just needed a bit of rest and a bit of space.

But, I'm here. And I will be updating over the next week. Lots of stuff - adoption stuff and non-adoption stuff.

Stay tuned!

My Boy

2009-08-26T17:42:00.000-07:00

I know that Wendy received my voicemail and my email(s). She still hasn't responded. She, apparently, doesn't even have the decency to call me (or type out one sentence) and just say, "Laurel...we don't want you, again." (And, don't try to tell me differently...please, because that's what it comes down to. Please, don't fill me with sugary bullshit to try and make me feel better. It's time to accept the truth. I'll gladly eat crow if I'm incorrect.) Mark my words...next week, when A (her son) goes back to school and she goes back to work, she'll email me and make up a whole whack of excuses as to why she never replied to my email and/or voicemail. OR - better yet - she'll just ignore me completely.

HL, also, didn't return my voicemail from yesterday or from 28 days ago. Again...go figure. I had hope for her.

This is not good.

I had to have my precious boy, Bailey (my six year old guinea pig) put to sleep today. He stopped eating/drinking yesterday afternoon. He began to drag one of his back legs a bit. This morning...he ate a tiny bit, but his breathing was laboured, so I immediately took him to the vet. By the time we got there...he was not comfortable...and could not control both of his back legs.

I'm not gonna go into the 'I know he's a pet...' because he wasn't. He wasn't just a pet, to me. He was the - at first - little 'ugly', straight-haired, albino-red-eyed baby pigs that no one was picking. And lemme tell ya...he looked like a white-haired, red-eyed rodent. But, when I picked him up and he immediately snuggled into the crook of my neck...I was in love. The reaction was similar, to him, by my family. He was 6 weeks old, when I knew he was mine. He was my boy.

I hand raised him...and he was so social and wanted to know everything that was going on, outside of his cage. He was Mr. Popularity in the house...and I grew to know the difference between his hungry squeals, mad chatters, gimme-my-veggies-already noises and the squeaks he'd make just to be picked up and loved on. And, he loved to eat. It was like the fave part of his day, to get fresh veggies and fruit.

I am grateful, that he didn't suffer for very long. I'm grateful that he isn't suffering right now.

I miss him, desperately.

I feel like I'm losing...everything.

Calling Wendy...

2009-08-24T17:37:00.000-07:00

So, I sent an email to Wendy last night...just to say hi and see if she had any time this week (or coming weekend) to hang for a bit. She didn't reply - I'm assuming she's on vacation (from what I know from the past) and she doesn't check her work email on vacation.

So, I called her. (After an hours worth of picking up the phone, hanging up the phone, picking up the phone, hanging up the phone.)

No answer - straight to voicemail. *Relief for a brief moment.*

Then to leave a voicemail...it took another 45 minutes of playing with the phone before I could say:

"Hey Wendy, it's Laurel calling. It's just after 6 on Monday. Just wondering if you guys might have some free time this week, or this coming weekend, to hang out. It doesn't matter what we do, but I'd love to see you. Lemme know...you can reach me at ###-####. Later."

I prayed hard on this.

Hopefully she'll get it and will call me back, asap, either way.

I'm going to call Nana HL tomorrow. Anddddddddddd...get this........I think I may even call my birthfather tomorrow! More on this later.

No other choice.

2009-08-23T19:06:00.000-07:00

I don't believe that anyone is ever told - honestly, or made aware - of the pain involved, with adoption.

Whether you are in waiting to adopt or a birthmother considering placing your child for adoption or an adoptee. Cuz, let's face it...if the real honest words, feelings and emotions were on display...that would be involved in the process/relationship to adoption were truly felt and put on the table...would anyone really walk into it in the same way they would if they were completely oblivious?

I was reading Suz's blog just moments ago - check it out, she's on my fave blog roll, she is 'Writing My Wrongs' - and she was sharing her experience as a first mom to a 23 year old young woman. Suz was talking about sending off her to-be hubby's child going off to college and how the emotions of this important day went so much deeper in her heart - of moments missed because she was sent to a maternity home, instead of college. She spoke of missed moments...in her own life and that of her daughter.

It hurt me. To read her words...and to feel the pain in those words. And, trust me, I could feel it. Because, I feel it on my side...as an adoptee. I feel it...as an adoptee wanting to be in relationship with my birthfamily. And, I feel it as an adoptee knowing that I may never, ever, have a relationship with any of my birthfamily. It's completely a possibility that I may never - gosh, that hurts - KNOW them.

I'm very aware of the fact that I currently walk around and participate in life, without them. I'm cognizant of the fact that my birthfamily had no part in my birthdays, graduations, music concerts, special events and everyday life events. I never had them. They never had me. And, yet, they always held an empty spot - at all of those special times in my life - they always held, what I call...the 'empty spot', because that's what it was. I longed for them...to fill that empty spot and they never did (and neither did anyone else).

I can't speak for anyone, except myself, and I'm so NOT speaking for Suz, but let me go out on a limb here. If Suz REALLY knew all that placing her daughter for adoption would bring...would she have willingly made that same choice, today, or even back then? If I REALLY knew what would be involved if I was making the decision to be an adoptee...would I make that choice? (I'll answer this quickly! Heck no.) Would my parents make the same choice to adopt me...knowing the pain that adoption would bring to me and to them? How my adoption issues would impact my life - sometimes in such self-destructive ways...that I still wonder how I even made it to today....alive? (I'll go with the answer 'yes', because I know they would say it's worth it, to them.)

I don't want that pain. I don't want it for my birthfamily. I don't want it for me. I don't want it for my adoptive family. There is pain all around...and often, for the most part, it goes unspoken. My family has no idea that I made contact with my birthmom last year...that I'm sorta in contact with Wendy, Nana HL and that I'm considering contact with my birthfather and birthmother...again. And, unless someone 'outs' me...I'm not going to put it on the table with them...and y'know why?! Pain.

But, for me. It's more painful to shove it under the rug and not go and explore this. Especially because I feel it so heavy in my heart that I need to 'stand in the gap' for them. And, if I'm blessed in any way...in the process...then it's worth it.

I've been putting off making contact, again, with Wendy and Nana HL. I'm going to email Wendy, now...and if she doesn't respond by noon-ish tomorrow, I'm going to call her. I'm also going to call Nana HL and try to rebook a time to see her again. I'd like to say...I'm gonna call my birthfather, too...but - lol - I think that would be a bit much on my plate. We'll see though. I'm an all or nothing kinda gal...and it wouldn't be unlike me to just jump in feet first. It's just how I roll...I throw my entire heart into it.

For now...I am going to hope for, pray for and believe for a relationship that will be healthy, loving, giving and fulfilling. I have to believe for this...because what other choice do I have?

What other choice is there? None.

Sharing tears

2009-08-22T10:50:00.000-07:00

My church is having a youth conference this weekend...but the main sessions (worship service and guest pastor) are open to the congregation. So, I went to the service last night (planned to meet up with Sally and BT there).

The music part of the worship service ROCKED. Nothing I love more than rocking to worship music! But...the music...the service...the prayers...just brought me to tears. I'm not talking pretty tears. I'm talking a whole lotta tears! (They needed to come out.)

I've been in a really dark-ish spot the past month. It's just been challenging. It's been frustrating. It's been upsetting. It's been just...deep. I'm struggling with a huge issue that I can't yet blog about openly - although I have shared privately with some of you - and I've been struggling with my adoption situation.

I find it incredibly frustrating. How I feel... How my birthfamily feels... Contact... No contact... Do I step it up... Do I let it go... What do I do. Why is my heart still so drawn to them, despite the lack of relationship we've had? Am I just rubbing salt in the wound?

Very shortly after I reunited with Sally last year, she told me, "You are going to bring much healing to your birthfamily, in a deep way. You are going to bring healing." I remember her words...I remember we were sitting in her office and I also remember thinking to myself, that she was bonkers and had no idea of my situation, had no idea who I really was and if she REALLY understood...she'd tell me differently.

Not so. She did understand and she hit the nail on the head.

I don't question Sally's advice anymore. She completely knows me inside and out and the best part? She always, always has my best interest at heart.

Getting back to my birthfamily - Sal's insight on my birthfamily has been difficult to carry. I also remember thinking...how do I bring healing to them? How does one step in, intercede, forgive, care and love...when it's very possible that I won't get that in return? Or, to know that they may not be able to return it in the way that I need. Wait, let me refrain that... In the way that I WISH it to be.

I wish. He knows what I need.

Last night's service was about doing just that. Standing in the gap for those you love. Holding space. Forgiving. Caring. Loving. Despite what they give me (it could be nothing) in return. Living in your spot of influence that is your gift to give the world and the people in your life.

That's challenging! Particularly when it comes to my birthfamily...because so many emotions, thoughts and experiences are tied to them. It's probably the most difficult thing for me to do...to let go of MY expectations...my wants...my feelings...to stand in the gap for them. To love them despite their inability to necessarily love me back in the way I would like them to. To love them like He loves them.

I'm human. I wonder if this is possible...but I know that He says it is.

I got my answer...about what to do...where to turn. I know that I have to put my stuff aside...and take whatever I can get...as a gift. No expectations. He answered loud and clear in last night's service. It's my job...to love and forgive...and to live my life in a way that gives back to the world...that shows His glory...in the circumstances I find myself in. I want people to look at me...and say...I want what she has.

In all honesty, I'm still a little miffed about it. His assignment for me. I know He's ok with my miffed-ness. I know He understands it. But, because I AM human...I don't want to always walk the road that is difficult and trying. Because, it WILL be difficult and trying. No doubt about it. The good stuff IS often difficult, trying and challenging. But that's what makes it worth it, in the end.

And...have I shared with you how much I love my Sally? (I know I have.) Amidst my tears last night...I snuggled up to her and she just loves on me. And she hugs me and kisses me. My heart hurts...in a good way...when she wraps me up in love. I'm blessed beyond belief to get to have her as my 'Mama'.

I'm also blessed to have so many others in my life...who are willing to stand in the gap for ME. It amazes me.

Touching little story before I end this post... But, I know I've mentioned before, my pal, V - who I met through church and a young adults group that she and her hubby were heading up. The first time we met, we connected. It feels like we've known each other for a lifetime...when it hasn't even been a year. I adore her. I also adore her hubby and their sweet pea that is two years old (who is also adopted, by the way!!!).

Last night after the service, I was walking out of our row we were sitting in and V was sitting a few rows back...and as soon as I saw her and approached her...the tears just started again. She put her arms around me and squeezed me. The part that made me laugh though and touched me, is that SHE got all teary when she saw my tears.

When someone is willing to carry, and share, your tears...it's powerful.

I'm blessed.

26 Days

2009-08-21T08:11:00.000-07:00

Ok, so, I realized today that it's been 26 days that I last contacted Wendy (to ask her if we could visit sometime soon - hang out) by email. It's also been that long since I called Nana HL to ask her if I could drive down for a visit and take her to lunch (I left a voicemail, which she has never returned).

The first week...after I last made contact, was filled with panic.

I'm assuming Wendy has been on vacation...although I don't believe she took 3 and a half weeks of it, together. I talked briefly with my Sally, yesterday...and I said...maybe she didn't get the email? Sally said, well, it wasn't returned to you, right? Nope, I said. HOWEVER - lol - it IS possible there were technical glitches and it disappeared into cyberspace!

So, Sally said yesterday,"You need to do what you need to do to get the answers you need." I think it would be fair for me to attempt contact, again. I can send another email...and see if she replies. I could also call...but if I did, I'd call her cell number and she could be at work and if she was...we wouldn't be able to talk much (she has NO privacy at her workplace). I know our first convo (and first 5 minutes of face to face time) is going to be mega awkward. I'm not a phone girl on a good day...I just don't like talking on the phone (unless it's a long distance friend chat!).

We also have Hurricane Bill coming our way, which - if we did make plans to hang - could ruin any hang time for the next week. The last hurricane that hit, in 2003, was bad enough to cause the city to go into a state of emergency and knocked out power for almost four days.

I know you may be thinking...so what? Reschedule plans! Yes...that's what I could do. But...if you're an adoptee...you may recognize how important/stressful visit plans are. Once they are set and wrecked/cancelled/postponed (even for a hurricane), it just causes anxiety.

Anyhoo... I'm gonna send Wendy off a quick email in a few.

On an even more positive note? I get to see my Sally tonight - only briefly...but I've missed her desperately the past week. All I want to do is to crawl into her arms.

Gotta go hop in the shower and brave the gas stations and grocery store! (My father called just a few minutes ago and said there are huge line ups...everyone is stocking up on emergency supplies.)

Pieces

2009-08-16T19:13:00.000-07:00

Note: potty mouth language used in this post!

The last four days have been shitty. (I was away from Thursday until early this evening.) No other way to put it. It was the shits.

I felt like I was under attack. Hurt my leg (right thigh) on a waterslide on Thursday evening (don't ask!)... So freaking hot and staying in a hotel...so it was an inside pool we had, which was warm... Bad attitudes (not my own!!!)... Too much time on my Blackberry (I'm obsessed!)... Sick as a dog yesterday evening/night... (I do have to say though...last night before bed, I laid hands on myself!, and this morning my leg barely hurt whatsoever.)

I tried to stay positive. I tried to laugh...which I did a lot of. I prayed...a lot. I blasted my music, when I could. I was pulled to Rascal Flatts for most of the time while I was away.

Music takes me places that I don't always willingly want to go. It can be healing, bring tears, stir up anger, bring forgiveness, turn my world upside down, cause me to go deeply into prayer, cause me to lift my hands in the air or swallow back the lump in my throat.

I'm in a weird place...so try to stay with me here...it's so much more complex than I can even blog about right now. Too much stuff on my plate.

There is a song by Rascal Flatts called 'Pieces'. And, this song in particular, was MY song, when I 'broke up' with my Uncle Mike and Aunt Wendy (bfather's bro and sis-in-law). It somehow made me feel a tiny bit better at the time. The lyrics go: From the moment that we met / My world was turned around / Upside down/ To some degree I still regret / My memory for keeping you around / I thought that you were mine / But my broken hearts been shattered / One too many times / And I don't want to see you anymore / I'm just not that strong / I love it when you're here / But I'm better when you're gone / I'm certain that I've given and oh how you can take / There's no use in you looking / There's nothing left for you to break / Please release me / Let my heart rest in pieces / Someone let you down again / So you turn to me / Your convenient friend / Oh but I know what you're doing / And what you hope to find / I've seen it a thousand times/ The fire we had before / Are now just bitter ashes / Left scattered on the floor

I'm guessing it's really about a couple in love...however, it put into words some of what my heart felt in the tiny place in my soul that no one could ever reach, except for the Lord. I didn't know the Lord, then...like I do now. I ignored His whispers. Now, I feel like He spoke to me throughout my life in music. (Lord, music, etc...is a totally different post for another day!)

Back to this song and these lyrics...

Here I am. Wanting to jump back into a relationship - of goodness only knows what sort - with the people that were described in that song? Those lyrics?

Are you fucking kidding me?! Am I fucking kidding MYSELF?!?!

Why would they have changed now. Because I changed? (Perhaps.) Nana HL never returned my voicemail from two weeks ago...to take her to lunch. Wendy never returned my email...saying, yes, let's start over...when can we visit? And, I KNOW she got that email.

Why would I believe that this time is going to be any different than the crap we had to deal with the last time? Why would I believe that they would ever stick up for me...THIS time...when they didn't, last time?

Why would I believe...that THIS time...they would treat me like I was truly their niece? Because, fact is...I'm not. Wendy said herself...I am not her niece...like the way her nieces are her nieces...the ones growing up that knew her from the beginning of their lives.

AND - this isn't necessarily mean, this is honest! It's true. I'll never be her niece in that way. I get that. But, why does it hurt so much? Why do I want something that will likely never be mine? Why do I want my birthmother to be my mother...when I know she could barely be a mother to my two older siblings. Why do I want my birthfather to be my father...despite the fact that he was (is?) an addict who lied about everything except his name.

Why do I still want THEM. Why. Can someone please explain it to me? Why I so desperately want them...and NEED them...despite the fact that I know that love was simply not enough to keep us going...when I was last in relationship with any and all, of them.

On my drive home today...I drove through their town. My birthfamily's town. The town that I would have been raised in (thank the Lord, I wasn't!) had my birthmother made a different choice. The town that literally makes my stomach churn and hurt.

And...

...all I wanted to do...was to drive to their houses. Knock on their doors. Throw my arms around them...and ask them to keep me.

This time, please keep me.

Baptism

2009-08-10T18:06:00.000-07:00

After much thought and prayer (and numerous 'knocks' on my door from the Big G) I was baptised on Sunday.

"Huh?" you ask.

Yes, I was baptised as a baby. I don't remember it, of course. So, as an adult, I made the decision to be baptised - for many reasons, but particularly to make it a public (and personal) gesture to Him that I am going to follow His plan.

It was awesome. I can't even put it into words...how awesome the entire day was. I'm so blessed beyond belief...to even have the opportunity for a 'fresh start' in His eyes. I know He's not a second-chance kinda guy, but a God of never-ending chances! How fantastic is that?

I had to give a brief testimony before I was dunked and I thought I'd share it with you - as well as some pics! All of the pictures were taken by marvelous Cornpop! She rocked!

Here goes:

When Pastor R asked me, yesterday, to prepare some words to share with you today about who I am and how I came to give my life to Christ – I had no idea what to share or where to even begin.

(Pastor R & I)

My favourite Bible verse right now is in Matthew 7 and it says, “Go in through the narrow gate. The gate to destruction is wide, and the road that leads there is easy to follow. A lot of people go through that gate. But the gate to life is very narrow. The road that leads there is so hard to follow that only a few people find it.”

For a major portion of my life...I walked through the wide gate and on the road to destruction. It was easy to walk this road. I didn’t have to do much. However, this road was not life-giving. It wasn’t healthy. And, in fact, it almost took my life.

I know that the Lord whispered to me, while walking the path to destruction. He whispered for me to just turn to Him.

On April 21st of last year, Jesus came for me. And like the Lord always does – as I know now - He reaches for me through people. I had reached the point where I was ready to give up. It’s no lie that on this day...the Lord literally sat at my table at a conference. He sent Sally Lastname – who I met briefly when I was 10 years old. Nineteen years later...He sent her back to me...to take me to Him.

(Giving my testimony)

Since that day, He has continued to put people on my path. He sent BT, J and V Lastname, Karen Lastname, Kelly Lastname, Victoria Lastname and Pastor R...and all of you - that have loved me, listened to me, supported me and brought me closer to Him.

I’m proud to say that now...I have a relationship with Jesus...and I’ve never known love like this. I never knew that He loved me SO much. SO MUCH that He came. For me. After everything I’ve done in my life...He still loves ME.

(Getting dunked!)

I’ve learned that I need to surrender to Him. To give my life to Him. And I need to do this everyday. Sometimes I need to do it every hour and occassionally I need to do it every minute. Surrender starts with an eager heart to put no limits on what He can do in our lives. It means giving up the wide gate and easy path and choosing the narrow gate – simply because that is what He desires for me. And the thing is...if you know God, then you know that everything He will ask of you is because of His great love for you. His plan is always for good.

(Two thumbs up!)

So, today...the biggest thing that my baptism signifies for me...is that I’m leaving the wide gate and the easy path...for the narrow one. Because even though it carries it’s own struggles and challenges...it’s His path. And it leads to life.

(My Sally & I!!!)

(BT, Me & Sally - I love them SO very much.)

*Note: If you click on the pics, you'll be able to see them more closely.*

Remembering Max

2009-08-10T09:09:00.000-07:00

Last week, almost directly after I last blogged, I found out that my buddy, Adam and his wife lost their five year old precious boy, Max. It was sudden. He was so full of life. He was so full of love. An awesome boy!

Max was admitted to the hospital last Tuesday - with a high fever because of an infection (by bug bites) that took over his sweet body and was gone from this earthly world in under 24 hours. Devastation.

There are no words right now. I went to the, packed and overflowing, service on Saturday and it was the most beautiful, faith-filled and powerful service I have ever been to. I never want to go to another. You just should never have to bury your own child. The tears flowed freely. The giggles and laughs also spilled out of mouths in remembrance of Max and his lively spirit. We could have filled a lake with tears shed for Max and the short life he lived.

Adam and his wife were amazing. But, I know that NOW is the time when the grief will begin. Will take over. Will mesh with other emotions that you probably don't even know you can have, until you lose a child.

Your child.

PLEASE pray with me, for them.

We know Max is certainly in Heaven and know that this means that there is no more pain. No more thirst. No more hunger. We know that he is well. He is WELL!

On a bitter-sweet note, Max was expecting a sibling. His Mom is 7 months pregnant. Please send up a prayer for strength, peace and love that will encompass his parent's and family that are left grieving for this precious boy that was gone too soon.

We love you, Max!

Prayers Needed!

2009-08-04T19:04:00.000-07:00

I found out this evening that my colleague (from the place of employment I left at the end of June) was just diagnosed with leukemia. I do not know ANY details...yet...other than she has leukemia and that she is now on leave from work.

I burst into tears...upon hearing the words, "Friend has leukemia."

This was someone that I was very close with, while I worked there. I haven't really spoken with her since I left - briefly through email/Facebook. But, we haven't chatted like we used to.

Please pray for her. Please pray that they caught this soon enough to be treated quickly and completely. Please pray for her strength as she fights this battle. Please pray for her two sons and one daughter...and that THEY will be strong through this. Please pray for her marriage...as it was rocky to begin with.

Most importantly - please pray that God will show Himself to her through this battle and that she will turn to Him. Interestingly enough, she and I have had 'God' conversations. She is not a believer...although she has said she needed a guardian angel (and wouldn't that be God who'd send her one?). Please pray that she will see Him through the people that will be loving her and supporting her through this. Please pray that she will turn to Him and get her comfort by Him.

Please pray that His glory will be shown through this situation...

My heart hurts for her right now. I have not spoken with her. Yet.

I haven't decided what to do yet... I will likely try to call her tomorrow...but I am not supposed to know. Although, I do know. And yes...someone did confirm it for me. However, I knew before this person said that I was correct. In fact, they asked me...who told me.

I knew. He told me. He gave me two dreams last week... I want to pray for her. Pray over her. Pray with her...if she'd bless me with that opportunity. I'm unsure that'd ever happen...but I will pray regardless.

Lord, I can't lose another friend by cancer. Please Lord, heal her completely.

Please pray for my friend. And, also, please pray for Sweet Kate, as she continues to wage war on her brain tumour. Visit her website for updates by clicking the link under my fave blogs.

Beach Bum

2009-08-03T19:39:00.000-07:00

I love the beach. Like, I REALLY love it. It's one of my most fave places to be. The sand. The sun. The ocean. The smell. The sound of the waves.

It seems to be my escape the past two weeks and I am headed there tomorrow, too, if the weather stays nice.

I need to make some serious decisions right now. Decisions that will have an impact on the rest of my life. I'm praying that my beach time will answer some of the questions in my heart. I'm meeting my cousin there...but the 50 minute drive down...alone...will be good. And, the sun...oh, how I love the sun.

No email from Wendy...and no call back from HL. At this point, I've kinda forgotten and have gotten to an 'ok' spot with it all...for the moment. Those connected to adoption...will know that the 'ok' spots bring some relief from the anxiety.

Any relief right now, is welcomed.

Tired...

2009-07-31T18:45:00.001-07:00

I feel like my entire life is changing. I can't even put some of it into words...and some of it, I can't openly blog about. Darn it all...why doesn't Blogger allow you to password protect some posts?! I don't want to move my blog...I like it where it is - however, c'mon Blogger! It can't be THAT difficult.

I haven't been to church in three (or four?) weeks. I'm hoping (and praying) that something mega is gonna click for me this Sunday...or change...or heal...I need it. I feel like...I'm unsure that I can keep on going. Now, when I say that...I do not - in any way - mean that I would 'stop' going on. I just mean that...my heart is tired right now. Really tired. I need to be filled up. My heart feels weary. My life feels like it's all over the place.

I know that I am not the only one who is weary right now.

On Wednesday I had a beach day with my Sally. It was nice to spend the day together and we covered much adoption stuff...and tackled random odds and ends. Much to tell...but I don't feel like getting into the adoption stuff at the moment. I enjoy the fact (not at the given moment when this happens...but maybe 20 minutes later) that she calls me out on stuff...when I could do better and be better. We laid on the beach and soaked in the rays and played question games and did dinner. Lately, I dislike when we 'part'. It seems to be causing me anxiety...and I don't know where it's coming from (and why it's coming).

Today I spent the day with Cornpop, and we had a beach day, too! We packed a lunch and took off for the Atlantic...and it was nice. It was hot...sunny and we spent a great deal of the time in the ocean on our boogie boards! The waves were crazy...and even though they weren't huge (huge = mega surfer waves in Hawaii) they sure were powerful. I got knocked down and thrown to the hard sandy bottom a bunch. Unfortunately...CP ignored my advice to wear sunscreen (she who is like anti-sun basically 24/7, 365 days a year) and got MEGA burnt. It looked painful. Only my hands, and a section of my back, got too much sun.

I want more beach days. I could live on the beach.

No news on the job front. I had an interview...didn't get the job (man, the interview went terribly!) and have been applying for numerous other jobs. Fingers crossed. This girl needs a job!

On a completely different note... I really DO like Michael Jackson. I LOVE his music and have a mixed CD with all of his tunes in my car player right this second. I think he was probably one of the world's top performers...talented beyond belief...with a big heart that was broken when he was young. But - I really don't care how/why he died. Like...I get that it could have been 'murder' or an overdose...or perhaps his heart failed...I have no idea. It's sad, regardless of any and/or all of that. I'm just getting a little tired of the overwhelming coverage of his death...that continues to take over all forms of media. Let the dude rest in peace...and pray for his children and his family.

Contact!

2009-07-28T17:36:00.000-07:00

I heard back from my Aunt Wendy last Tuesday. She replied to my last email and said that she'd 'love to start over'. I replied and said that I would like to do so, as well...and then I asked her when we could hang and chill. I have not heard back. And, I'm assuming that she did get that email - unless her work email has completely crashed...which is unlikely. So, I sent an email to her yesterday, again, and just said...that I was wondering (and didn't know what her schedule was like) if she'd be able to hang at all this coming Friday, Saturday, Sunday or Monday. I'm also assuming she got the email...and hasn't replied.

Ok. To the birthmother/father/relative peeps who read this blog...PLEASE reply to your loved adoptee as soon as possible. Even if you need to reply and say that you have not made a decision yet (or whatever it is in regard to the communication you've received) please do at least that?! Please make that effort, no matter how difficult it may be...please at least acknowledge receipt of said contact...and let the loved adoptee know that you WILL indeed (or won't, indeed) contact as soon as you can.

The waiting is the hardest part. It's more difficult than I can put into words. The stuff that my head and heart dream up...are not so wonderful. The dreams are filled with everyone leaving me...me not being worthy...blah blah blah. Garbage...yes. However, I still go there. My ten year old self, goes there.

It IS entirely possible that Wendy's email at work crashed completely...but I doubt it.

So, now...what?

Is she having second thoughts about 'starting over'? Is she remembering the crap we went through in our relationship and why/how it ended? Is she remembering cursing at me? Is she remembering me showing up announced on her doorstep one late evening...hysterical...and asking to stay for a night? Is she remembering that our relationship became really intense very quickly...and a lot of secrets - of mine - were put on her shoulders? Is she remembering the very difficult and painful moments of our relationship? And trust me when I say that we had really difficult and painful moments...oi vey.

Or, is she remembering how awesome our relationship was when things were good? Is she remembering the first time I slept over and we talked way past midnight about girly things, deep things and just random odds and ends? Is she remembering the night we decided to have a strength competition (she is freakishly strong for her skinny self) and went outside at midnight and decided to wrestle on the damp grass and held our 'poses' to see who would dive at the other first? Is she remembering how Mike opened the glass door asking us if we were 'okay' and upon us saying we were gonna wrestle, nodded politely and said he was going to bed? Is she remembering how I taught her to be a good hugger? Is she remembering letting me drive her jetski for the first time and me screaming all over the lake? Is she remembering how much I loved her...and needed her...and how much I wished - for a moment...or two - that SHE could have been my mother?

The waiting games sucks. The waiting - knowing she probably read my email, but hasn't responded - is even more difficult.

However...in an order to show my faith - and sort of on an agreement with my fave adoptee, Tor - I am not going to make further contact with Wendy. I'm trusting the Lord on this one. He opened the door. He will continue to do so...and all I can do is walk through, follow Him and then wait for Him to make another move. Wendy contacted me, I've replied...and I've reached out. So...now...it's on her. And, I trust that whatever is going on in her world...that He has His hand all over it...regardless if she has a relationship with Him (she doesn't) or not. He is STILL in control of this. And...He loves me. I'm praying...for all of us.

I need to continue to trust Him. When I have not...in the past...I have completely messed things up all on my own. I've seen it. I've felt it. I've been there. I don't want to go there again...so I need to hand over the control (that I so badly want to have! Trust me!) and trust that it will work out...however it's supposed to.

In the meantime, I did call Nana HL today and left a message. I just said I called to say hi and thanks for meeting me to talk...and asked her if she'd like to do lunch later this week, or another time. So, I'm gonna trust that for whatever reason...she's the first contact right now...and I think she has more answers for me...than she was willing to give when I went to see her with Cornpop.

Wendy and Mike will come... I pray.

So...again...birthfamily peeps...please do acknowledge any communication from your loved adoptee, as soon as possible. Because, otherwise...your loved adoptee...could go into panic mode, like I did (and do...particularly at certain times of the day that I'm feeling more 'weak') and goodness knows what kinda scenerios I/they could come up with.

Being Normal

2009-07-23T21:26:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about my visit with HL and seeing my cousin, A. It was difficult - returning from that, with everything that I was told - and yet, while it was 'mine', because I am biologically theirs...it also wasn't...because they aren't mine. Not yet, anyway.

I was talking with my fave pal, Tor, about the photo that Cornpop snapped of myself, Nana HL and A, in Nana's condo. I was looking at the photo...over and over. And, like I was telling Tor, it's so normal. The photo. It's like...we've been together for years. If we stepped outside, everyone could assume A and I are cousins and HL is our grandmother.

It's normal. The photo. And we took more...and in fact, A and I - in one of the pics - make faces above HL, while she sits politely smiling. It's normal. It's what any cousins would do with their grandmother...right? We look like we've known each other...forever...right?

But we never had that chance. To be together in a way that would make this picture FEEL normal - to me. I never had that chance. And now...will it ever feel normal to goof around with A in pictures? Will it ever feel normal to poke fun at the grandmother that we share? The Nana that A has known his entire life, but that I have not?

Lord, I want that normalcy. Lord, I so want it.

I'm coming out of my meeting hangover. It was rough. The hangover is always filled with doubts, feelings of complete worthlessness, creating havoc and worry for everyone that loves me (in particular, Cornpop - I truly am sorry and will be for the rest of my life - I love you) because I always PUSH, ignoring other friends who try to connect with me (in particular, V - I am not ignoring you...ok, so I was...and yes, let's do dinner - I love you bunches) and living on the couch for a few days, aimlessly flicking through 100 channels, watching nothing.

I was so angry with the Lord, too. Beyond angry. But, that's another issue, entirely.

Whether or not the photo looks normal...or is normal....shouldn't matter. It was normal, in the moment. And the normalcy it brought...was so healing. It was normal, for a minute, to be cousins with A. To be the grandaughter of HL. For HL to be the Nana...to my cousin and I.

Thank you, Lord...for these two pieces of my puzzle.

Kate Update

2009-07-21T15:22:00.001-07:00

I recently wrote about precious Sweet Kate who was diagnosed with a massive brain tumour on June 29th. I asked you to join me in praying for her and her family. I just wanted to give you all a brief update on her situation (you can go to Kate's direct website by clicking the 'Sweet Kate' link under my Favourite Blogs section on the right of this page). (Picture note: Kate before surgery.) Kate had her surgery to remove 50% of the tumour and is now heading into a treatment plan that no precious sweet girl should EVER have to endure. However, since she does have to endure this...let's continue to hold her in prayer!

(Kate on a wagon ride, after surgery)

Because of her surgery and the amount of tumour that was taken from her brain, she is struggling to regain use of the right side of her body, in particular. Of course, the removal of the tumour also affected her ability to learn, speak, understand, etc. She is undergoing major therapy to re-learn things that she had already mastered before even needing surgery.

Kate's MRI from yesterday shows that the tumour is still there, but it has not grown. It is my understanding that Kate will begin a massive chemo treatment plan, tomorrow or Thursday. This is a fight for her life.

(Kate's parents said that this was her first smile
after her surgery!)

Please pray with me, and so many others, for Kate's healing! And, pray for her family - her mother, father, sister, brother, extended family and for her doctors, nurses and everyone that will be involved in Kate's treatment.

Being Replaced

2009-07-20T20:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday - Sunday - I spent some time with my cousin, P, from out of town. She flew home for a few days for a vacation and some family time, before she has her second baby in September. She and her hubby already have a toddler, so it's gonna be fun!

When I dropped her for dinner at my parent's house (with her parents, too and another aunt and uncle), they started to talk about her cousin on her mom's side, K. K and P's mothers are twins. K and her mother have been estranged for many years now (K and P are both 35). However, K does have a relationship with her aunt - her mom's twin - and her side of the family, including her cousin, P.

They were all speaking about how difficult and sad it is for K, because she needs her mother - still. She has a child and now a foster child and didn't really have her mother around while growing up. But, she does have an awesome aunt, who, I think...is probably one of the most compassionate and awesome people I've ever met. So, to have that relationship is positive and has been mega comforting to her.

So - I poke my nose in and add my two cents of, "Well, it's really awesome that K does have you, her aunt, her mom's twin...and your family as a support. That must give her a bit of extra comfort."

And man...I opened a can of worms.

I was told, by MY adoptive mother...and the rest of the gang...the following:

- She may have relatives, but they don't replace your parents
- K is lucky, but nothing can replace your real mother
- It must have been hard growing up without her real mother
- You can't replace the actual mother or father
- Etc., etc., etc...

I stood there...thinking...they hit the nail on the head, but they are completely barking up the wrong tree. I KNOW the connection that exists between a child and their biological parent(s).

Umm, hello?! Have you missed the fact that I've struggled with this issue my entire life? Have ya missed my numerous destructive measures I took, while growing up, to mask my pain because I missed my bio-mother/father/siblings/aunts/uncles/etc.?

Just because I was adopted and grew up with a mother and father...it didn't replace my birthmother, birthfather and the rest of them.

Nothing, I mean nothing, could - or ever will - replace them. In saying this, don't think for a second that that means that my parents could ever be replaced, either.

I was hit at that very moment by the fact that they still don't get it and I am 30 years old.

I was hit at that very moment by the fact that I still want/need my birthfamily.

Regardless of whether I ever have a lasting relationship with any of them...they can never be replaced.

That's my everything...

2009-07-17T19:02:00.000-07:00

I am struggling.

I find myself trying to go about my day...and in a moment...I need to stop. Lean my head against the wall, car window or whatever is closest. And the lump forms in my throat while I try to choke back the tears that threaten to pour out.

I feel like I have only been existing the past few days.

I have to remind myself to breathe. To inhale...hold...and exhale. I try to inhale the good air and push out the bad. I - admittedly - want to hide.

It's like a wave. That flows in, flows over and sucks back out...regardless of whether you want to go with the current or not.

And, right now, I have no words even for the Lord. I can't even pray. I have no prayers to bring to Him. Because, He made this choice for me. He chose this path for me...I didn't. My heart hurts. And if I had the ability to make this choice again, I'm unsure that I would choose the same one. I have nothing to ask of Him, right now. Nothing.

Because, my heart hurts.

He knows where I am.

This is all that I can say...

...that's my everything.

He loves me - what more could I dream for?

2009-07-16T19:27:00.000-07:00

Earlier this year, I travelled to North Carolina for work purposes and while there, I had the awesome opportunity to visit the Billy Graham Museum/Library. I am telling you...the experience of visiting this place is probably one of the top 10 experiences of my life. I've never been to a place that is so filled with God's love, grace and peace. The grounds were beautiful, the exhibit was beautiful and so were the many volunteers that staff this holy place.

I felt so close to the Lord while I was here and when I left, I was so filled with His love.

The grounds of the BG Center were absolutely pristine and beautiful. I seriously could have sat anywhere on these grounds for hours. The glass cross on the front of the main building took my breath away.

The house that Billy Graham and his family lived in, was actually physicially moved to these grounds (the house is not pictured here). The actual house is where the BG Library is housed. Unfortunately, I did not have time to wander through the library, since I was so taken in the museum part...I spent my time absorbing what an amazing person Mr. Graham was and is...and how many lives he's changed...and how so willingly he took on God's agenda and walked away from his own.

I could have sat in the Prayer Garden for hours. Mr. Graham's wife, Ruth, is actually buried on this property. I never knew anything about her until I visited the BG Center and learned what an amazing, God-filled woman she was! Amazing!

That is Bessie the cow. She begins the self-guided tour through the museum. She loves God, too.

Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life." John 14:6. (...No one comes to the Father except through me.)

Ruth Graham was the Christian Woman of the Year in 1984. I think you can see this more closely when you click on the actual picture.

Mr. Graham spent a lot of time in radio studios, spreading the Word!

This is SO cool! This is a check from Richard Nixon, to Mr. Graham, for $5.00 - repaying the loan that Mr. Graham gave him, since he didn't have his wallet, for offering while on stage at a Crusade! Of course, Mr. Graham never cashed it.

Mr. Graham was often called on to mentor and witness to numerous world leaders - from all countries and even all religions. He truly was, and is, respected around the world. I was overwhelmed with what this man has accomplished so far in his life!

"I have had the privilege of preaching the Gospel on every continent in the world. And I have found that when the Gospel of Jesus Christ is presented, with authority; quoting from the very Word of God - He takes that message and drives it supernaturally into the human heart." - BG

These are guns turned over to (by converted gang members) Billy Graham after speaking during a 16-week Crusade in New York City in 1957!

The last part of the self-guided tour (I didn't get any pics of this) was in a small auditorium with seats in front of a huge screen. The video was probably five minutes long, if that...of Mr. Graham speaking at a Crusade...and it honestly felt like being at a Crusade.

It was amazing.

It was healing.

It made me realize His love for me. And, it made me realize my love for Him.

My Uncle & Aunt

2009-07-16T18:46:00.001-07:00

Just a brief update on adoption stuff...

When I got home from my visit with Nana HL, I got an email from my Aunt Wendy (wife of my Uncle Mike who is a brother to my bdad and mother of my cousin A) - I am using names here, because I've written previously about Mike and Wendy. I suspected (and commented to Cornpop) on Tuesday that she would send me off an email. I opened it, and it said this:

"A told me that you looked sad that I was not going over to HL’s to pick him up. If I thought, for one minute, that you wanted to see me I would have been there. I know you miss me, I miss you too……"

Tears - immediately - came.

I DO miss her. I miss Wendy. I miss Mike. I miss A. And, most of all...I feel like I miss a part of myself.

When I met Mike and Wendy, in 2003, they filled this hole that I had in my heart. They weren't like the rest of my birthfamily. I don't say this in a judgemental way...but their lives matched mine. They were educated, had good jobs, their own teeth and lived a life comparable to my own. Again - I'm not judging...I could just relate to them more easily. They were 'normal'.

The evening that I met them (I had been emailing with Wendy for about six to eight weeks before we physically met) they just filled a hole in my heart. When I rounded the corner and Mike's eyes met my own...we didn't need to introduce ourselves (and we had never seen a picture of one another) or ask if the other was 'Mike' or 'Laurel'. We knew. He KNEW me and I KNEW him. I fell instantly in love (not romantic love) with this man. MY uncle. MY blood. Related to me...biologically. He was handsome. He was strong. He had such a great heart. I felt immediately connected to him and protected by him. He gave me a kiss and a hug and it wasn't awkward at all.

When I met Wendy...moments later...it was a tad bit awkward...but only because, I think, we had shared more with one another and were more open and vulnerable. But, as with Mike, I basically fell in love with her as well. All I wanted to do with her was crawl into her arms and camp there for a few days. Unfortunately...because of where we met...at a production show - they were in the audience and I was singing in the show - we only had about 15 minutes together (which in hindsight was a good thing).

Of course, I missed them. I do miss them.

But like I said in a previous post...our relationship 'ended' because love, simply, was NOT enough. Yes, we loved one another...but it wasn't enough to keep our relationship afloat when it was getting weighed down with the past...that none of us could 'fix'. (And I desperately wanted it fixed.) It was like we were treading water 24/7. It got ugly. It got mean. And I slammed the door shut and walked away...on Wednesday, January 17th, 2007.

And on Tuesday, July 14th, 2009, the door was opened. Again.

My heart hurts, a lot.

My email reply to Wendy was this:

"What are we going to do about that (the missing each other business)?"

I have no idea where this is going to go...if anywhere at all.

My Heart...

2009-07-14T19:42:00.000-07:00

Today was a big day. I'm struggling to put it into words, because I'm still sorting through the feelings that today brought up. I, again, drove to my birthfamily's town (with Cornpop in tow!) and visited with HL (her grandson, my cousin was there too).

I struggled with the emotions that today brought up - throughout our visit. They felt so different than the ones I've felt in the past. Although some hurt, some made my eyes well with tears and some made me want to run out the door - I made it through. The difference of today's visit...as compared to some in the past with my birthfamily...was that today - I took God. I know it may sound strange...but it's true...and I believe that made the difference.

I found out a lot in regard to Shirley, my birthfather's biological mother. Most was not what I was hoping and praying for...but it is what it is.

You'll have to be patient with me...because I can't go into detail - right at this moment - about the entire visit, yet. I will, I promise - and I'll begin to do so, this week...but it sometimes just hits me...and the tears come...and I have to stop and take care of myself.

HL was a doll. She's so cute and refers to herself (to me) as 'Nana HL'. She calls me her grandaughter and told me she loves me. I couldn't say those words back...even if it's true. It's difficult for me...to trust my birthfamily right now...and although she has a piece of my heart...I just couldn't say them back to her.

One thing that hit me particularly hard - and I mean...HARD - was that my younger half-sister, J (my birthfather's other daughter, besides myself - that grew up with him) is not only married now...but is a mother (and is pregnant again). Let me say it again...

I have a niece. A niece that is blood-related to me. I am an aunt. To a beautiful baby girl...that I have never met. I have a niece. That is a toddler. That does not know her aunt, because her aunt and mother have never met and have no relationship...because her aunt was adopted.

I have a niece.

This makes my heart hurt and all I can do is weep. The tears come from a place so deep within my soul - there are no words.

I have a niece.

I couldn't even look at this precious girl in the picture for longer than a second, because it hurt. To see her and to not know her. I don't know my niece. My sweet baby girl niece, doesn't know her Aunt Laurel.

It makes my heart.....hurt.

On another note...my aunt and uncle (parents of my cousin, A, that was there today) knew that I was going to visit HL and said to pass on a 'hello'. I missed them SO much today. My heart ached for them...knowing the connection we had...but again, the relationship was put away, because it brought such pain to those involved in it. Nana HL said that she was going to call my aunt to tell her I was there...but A called his mom, instead. My aunt said she thought my uncle would be picking up A.

I understood that if they passed on a hello, they weren't mad at me or anything like that and I was half hoping I would see one of them...but then I thought...if that door is meant to be open again...God will open that door and lead me through. I didn't need to walk through it today. I had already walked with Him enough, today.

There is so much more to write about...to think about...to take action on...but for tonight, this is it. And, here is a pic of myself, my cousin, A and our Nana HL.

Finding Answers

2009-07-13T19:36:00.001-07:00

Today I dipped my toe back into the adoption river. Sometimes it seems violent and the waves crawl over the rocks and the current is strong...but other times, it seems manageable. Maybe even hopeful...

On my birthfather's side, I am looking specifically for my birthfather's biological mother, Shirley. She is deceased, which I knew. But, how she died and when she died...I didn't (and don't) know.

I only know about Shirley...from what M (birthmother) told me. (And, of course...this is second hand info, since M only heard this from my bfather.)

My birthfather's story...that he told M, goes like this: Shirley died when he was 12 years old and he was an orphan and in foster care. Shirley took her own life while she was in jail, after being arrested for forging prescriptions for medication. He also told M that his father was deceased, too. He was 20 years old when he told M all of this...and M, and her hubby, took pity on him and let him stay at their house (bmother was 36) - and this is when my bio-parents had an affair and I was conceived. This was in 1978.

Confusing? Yes. True? No idea. Lies? Quite possibly...since my birthfather lies about anything and everything. His entire life is a lie...really...I'm not exaggerating.

I went to my birthfamily's town today...drove down, a little over an hour. My BFF, Cornpop, came with me. (I dunno what I'd do without her!) We went to the Museum and Archives for this county...and started searching for Shirley's obituary, to gather more information. We found some interesting stuff...with help from the Archive's Librarian - who was amazing, kind, helpful and interested in my story - and it only added more questions.

We found two obituaries that held Shirley's first name and last name. One, I can pretty much rule out completely. The second...lends more questions to this situation. According to this obit, Shirley died in 1976. It does not state how she died, what she died from or where to send memorial donations to (like the cancer society, or foundations, etc.). She was remarried at her time of death (she had been married to my birthfather's father...Frank...but they divorced and she remarried) I knew this. My birthfather's first name is in the obit.

Then I looked for my birthfather's father's obit...which we found, too. In it...again, he names my bfather as his son and then it says that he was predeceased by his first wife, Shirley. Working out their ages at death and the years they died...etc...Shirley and Frank would have been the exact same age...if they were still alive today...so, it's safe to assume that these are the right obits.

What I don't understand (although I realize my bdad is a liar) is that if Shirley DID indeed die in 1976, my birthfather would have been 18 years old. Not 12 years old. AND - his father didn't die until 1991...not when my bdad was young, putting him into 'foster care'. My bdad would be 51 years old, now. (And yes...he's alive - you can read more about him and our meetings in previous blog entries.)

Talk about confusing.

So, the person that can answer me - won't! (My birthfather. He's incapable of telling the truth, ever.)

The next best person? My birth-paternal-grandfather's (Frank) second wife (after Shirley), HL. She was a step-mom to my birthfather...around the age of 10, I think and from what I've heard from other relatives (specifically my aunt and uncle on that side that I was very close with for a period of time) HL knows a lot about my bfather and knew Shirley.

Tonight I looked up HL's phone number and called it. She answered...I hung up. So, I called back...and didn't hang up. Our conversation was very brief. She was nice. I asked if I could possibly drop by tomorrow...to talk and that I have questions about my birthfather's side of my bio-fam. She said she was going to be out...then said that it was the wrong day...and she'd be at home, but that she'd have her grandson there - my aunt and uncle's son...who is my cousin and who I got to know, when I was close with my aunt and uncle.

I then asked her if it'd be ok if I dropped by for a visit...even though he'll be there (he's about 13, I think, now)...and she said that would be fine...she didn't know if I'd be comfy visiting with him there, but if I am...by all means, visit.

So...this is all happening very quickly.

Please pray for me. Pray specifically for protection of my mind, heart and spirit. Again, this is where I go downhill when I'm feeling vulnerable...and I'm always feeling vulnerable when it comes to adoption stuff. Please pray for HL's heart, too...and that our conversation/visit goes well. Please pray that God's hand will be all over this situation. Pray for a safe drive down (today we encountered crazy hail!!!) and for a peace to settle over everyone involved. My Cornpop is coming again.

My intention is to get as many questions answered as possible. Then, it's my intention to find my bio-grandmother's family...and figure out what happened. If she did die in '76...then my birthfather's story falls down. I pray that he did indeed lie. I've been believing for 10 years that Shirley took her life.

I pray that this is not true.

And all of a sudden, I'm feeling teary and a bit overwhelmed...

Wedding, Adoption & Blessings

2009-07-09T12:14:00.000-07:00

I have been super busy this week, since my bro is getting married on Saturday and I am a bridesmaid. I've been doing random wedding stuff, getting my dress fitted, decorations, rehearsal prep...etc., so I haven't had much time to update! I've also had a lot on my mind and heart, too...and sometimes I find it difficult to write it out...when I'm unsure about what to do about any of it.

But, yesterday and today, I've felt a bit 'lighter' with it all, so I feel safer to write. I've also petitioned friends to pray for me! Specifically for protection of my mind, spirit and heart. This is where I get attacked when my world is shaking up a bit. Always. And, I think the prayers are helping. If you're so inclined to send up a prayer on my behalf...I'd be so grateful.

I've decided to jump back into my adoption stuff. It's been weighing heavily on my heart the past three weeks...and I feel like I need to move on some things. This means making contact with my birthmother and contact with my birthfather's family (not my birthfather specifically...I do NOT wish to have any contact with him whatsoever). This has come about for several reasons...which I don't have time to write on right now fully, but I will soon. I promise!

I've had people say to me, "Laurel, why can't you just get over it?" (IT - being adoption.) The fact is...it's not something to GET over. It's a part of me. It would be like telling someone to 'get over' their right arm. Get over what? That it's attached to their body? Like someone's arm just IS...so is my being adopted. It's part of me. It always will be. Forever and ever...

...and trust me! I've tried to get rid of it! It just ain't going anywhere. All I can do is deal with it. And...I need to make some steps, ask some questions, do some searching and just move further along with this.

And also trust me...it's gonna be REALLY interesting!

In other news...can you please say a prayer for a dear sweet friend of mine, who is heading into an awesome new season in her life? I can't go into details at the moment...but I SO WILL when she gives me permission to share her awesome news! But, because God knows where the prayers are needed and should be directed to, if you offer up a prayer for her...He will hear it...regardless of details or not. So, please pray for her circumstances right now. The situation involves numerous people...so just pray for their hearts...and that they will have the courage to embrace everything that will happen over the next three and a half months! God is so amazing. Beyond belief. I'm beyond thrilled for her...my kindred spirit!

I heart you bloggers! If you have prayer requests...leave 'em!

Pray for Kate

2009-07-05T19:25:00.000-07:00

A request to my blogger pals -

Take a moment to meet beautiful little Kate and her family. She needs your prayers right now... Please join with me in lifting her up in prayer and believing for healing and a miracle!

Click on the 'Meet Kate' link below...to see a video that her parents recorded two days ago.

MEET KATE

Ok, folks...

2009-07-04T21:37:00.000-07:00

...for real.

I will update this week, likely in the next two days.

So much is going on...and has gone on, since I last REALLY updated, but my heart has been so moved over the past 24 hours...some that I can talk about and some that I'm unsure if I can talk about it (and need permission to do so, before I write)!

I'm sometimes so overwhelmed by the life He has blessed me with. The people that He has blessed me with. The love He continues to flood my life with.

But then, I'm also overwhelmed by the pain and sadness of other moments in my life...and I wonder...what is this about. This. THIS. What is this really supposed to be about?

I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster, my friends. I really do.

I can't wait for church in the morning. Yes, one can always pray and talk to the Lord wherever one is...you certainly don't need to be in a building to feel His love or to seek His face. In a church service, however, it is so much more intimate. The time with Him, there...always feels so much more healing and deeper.

I need Him to meet me tomorrow.

I, myself, need to meet Him, too.

Things are changing!

2009-06-22T20:31:00.001-07:00

Just a few tidbits...and a bigger update coming later this week...

- I lost my job. It was between being laid-off and quitting. I didn't see this coming...whatsoever!
- Not surprisingly, God has a bigger project for me...which makes me believe that my job ending is part of His bigger plan for me. (More on this soon, I promise. It's awesome and I want your opinions and thoughts!)
- My brother is getting married in 17 days!
- My condo definitely needs some major organization and a good clean...I plan on taking pics and will post them later this week.
- I am applying for jobs daily...
- I've lost my baking skills since I moved out in February...seriously? I can't even bake brownies correctly! It's bizarre.
- I'm enjoying my time off. :o) It's pretty awesome, really.
- I feel something 'coming' in regard to my birthfamily... I'm trying to think clearly on it...and again, I need your opinions and input.

Life is changing. Life is good, though, too. I'm blessed...as always...

And...as always, I'm praying for you all! Stay tuned!

Rollercoaster...

2009-06-11T16:34:00.000-07:00

What an odd two weeks I've had! I sense a huge change coming my way. I'm believing it to be a good one!

I WILL update in the next few days...I miss my blogging. And, whoa, do I ever have a lot to update on!

I love all my blogger buddies. I've been thinking of you all!

Ben's Big Bike!

2009-06-05T09:03:00.000-07:00

Life has been so busy lately. So much is going on in my head and heart. Some I can post on here...some I'm not comfortable posting on here...it'll come out...

In the meantime...my buddy, Ben, is biking across Canada to raise awareness for suicide prevention and mental illness! He's an amazing 20 year old, who has taken on this trek...starting in Newfoundland, with very little resources and support...now he's gaining a ton! I'm so proud of this dude! He'll be passing through my community this weekend. He'll be doing some press (which I'm coaching him through) and speaking at my church on Sunday.

Ben was to cycle into my city tonight, but he just called to tell me his bike is all busted up...and cannot be ridden. Now...without him knowing, on my end, myself and another local suicide awareness advocate, were trying to get him a new bike anyway...because we knew his was in rough condition. So...NOW - he desperately needs a new bike donated!

He's an hour outside of the city...so in a few hours, I'm going to go and pick him up where he is...and drive him back here.

Please pray for his safety...and for all of the hearts that he has touched, and will continue to touch, all because he's using his own pain...to save the lives of, and educate, others.

You can read more about Ben on his website at www.cycletohelp.org

I'll update soon...

2009-06-01T06:07:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't updated in quite awhile. This is for numerous reasons...and I'm planning on updating by the end of the day on Wednesday. I just need to get through some *stuff* before that.

In the meantime...if you feel so directed...please send some prayers my way...that God will heal all of the relationships in my life right now? I feel something BIG coming...and yes...this is related to the *stuff* I need to get through that I mentioned above.

Also...if you need prayer...please, by all means, leave a comment and prayer request and I will pray on it (and may ask my blogger friends to do the same)!

Awesome-ness!

2009-05-25T06:14:00.001-07:00

Life is SO awesome. I'm speechless...really...just soaking it in.

Life is also busy! I will update soon.

The Test

2009-05-13T12:45:00.000-07:00

Not too much happenin’ around here! Very busy at work this week, so that has been my main focus.

(FYI - I have not proofed this entry, and I normally do!)

I saw my dentist today, for a cleaning and check up. My chipped tooth was no biggie…and only needed some quick filing down which didn’t hurt whatsoever! I do, however, need two fillings. If you know me face to face…you know how obsessed I am about my teeth, keeping them flossed and brushed. I didn’t have any cavities until I hit around 25 years old…and now I have two more. The dentist says it’s just my enamel and that nothing can be done and to just keep on cleanin’ ‘em. So…as my dentist knows…I have mega anxiety over visits to the dentist. Yep. I’ve been known to cry. I can’t help it. So, we’ll do the two fillings in one visit in the very near future.

In the back of mind, I have been thinking a bit about my birthmother this week…and what – if anything – I still need to say to her. Would I have any regrets in regard to her, if she were to pass away tomorrow? This could, very well, happen. Her passing away, I mean (she has many health problems and is not well in general).

If you’re a regular reader, or have read my story from the beginning or touched on the highlights…you’ll know that I HAVE tried with M, my birthmother. Our last communication was…well, devastating, hurtful and it broke my heart.

If you know me…you will know that I care about the people in my life, very deeply. If you’re my friend – I care about YOU very much. I’m forgiving. I’m loving. I’m honest. When I love…I love with my whole heart. I don’t let go easily. If I ever ‘let go’ of someone…you have to know that I’ve worked my butt off to make the relationship work and that something big has to happen in order for me to let go and close the door. (And even then…I STILL care.)

Last night, I dragged myself to church class and quite frankly, didn’t want to be there. I was tired, hungry and just had a general poor attitude.

Pastor R began talking about the way you can choose to live your life. You can live it by Plan A – which is God’s way or by Plan B – which is My (or Your) way. It’s very easy to live by Plan B, because that’s how humans tend to bend…we rationalize the reasons why OUR way is correct. After all, when you look into the mirror, you see your own face, you are with yourself 24/7 and it’s easy to talk ourselves into (of out of) something we, as humans, want and believe we may need. We spend a lot of time and energy investing ourselves into which path we want to take.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean upon your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.”

Then…Pastor R decided to veer away from the notes and give us a tangible example and I was riveted towards him. Talk about light-bulb moments!

When we are in school…towards the end of the year/semester we write tests and exams. The teacher tests us on what we’ve learned and we either pass, or fail. Now, think about the process that happens…on the day you write your test. You go into the classroom, sit at the desk, then what does the teacher do? She hands out the tests…face down. Then what does she do? She reminds the students NOT to start until she says so. She tells you to flip it over and begin.

Once you begin…you may raise your hand and ask a question like, “Mrs. Smith, I don’t understand number three…” What does Mrs. Smith reply with? “Well, Lucy, I’m sorry, but this is a test and we’ve covered the subject material, so you’ll just have to do your best.” Of course, Mrs. Smith reminds the class that cheating is not acceptable and to keep your own eyes on your own paper. Then…once the allotted amount of time passes…Mrs. Smith announces that time is up. But, you says, “Wait, Mrs. Smith! I just need to write three more sentences on the essay question…” And Mrs. Smith replies with, “I’m sorry Lucy, but you have had enough time to write the test, there is no time left, please hand it in.”

Followin’ me so far?

If you’ve attended your classes, done your homework, made sure to study and understand whatever subject it is…one would guess you’d do okay on your test. But, your score is determined by your work.

Now, think of the teacher as God and whatever circumstances that are in your life as the subject and material you need to learn and master. Think of something that is perhaps difficult – something that you find challenging. Perhaps it’s an issue that keeps popping up in your life over and over. Are you dealing with an issue that feels like it just won’t go away? Are you dealing with painful stuff…and you wonder why it won’t ‘just go away’? Is a certain person in your life continuing to treat you in a particular way…and you wonder why, but then wonder why it’s STILL happening some years later?

As Pastor R explained…often times…when things are difficult…and we believe that God is sitting idly by and not ‘helping’ (our own assumption), he’s waiting for us to write the test. He is waiting for us to put down those answers that he has offered to us – sometimes over and over. And when we say, “Lord, where are you?!” He is silently saying, “This is your test time. I’ve given you the answers…now it’s time to write the test.” After we struggle and stomp our feet, we may begin the test and suddenly, it’s pulled away. We may say, “But Lord, I wasn’t done.” Again, He may silently say, “Time is up. You had the time to complete the test. Time is up.”

Now – don’t worry too much. Because…as you know…He will bring another round of classes and lessons and offer another opportunity to write the test and pass (in His time, not yours). But – do you notice it? Or, are you going to keep on passing up the lessons and fail the test again on try number 324? Because, He WILL give you the same test again. And He WILL give it to you for as many times as you need in order to pass it.

When things are most difficult, we can tend to doubt God and His agenda. It’s easy to think He’s not there. It’s easy to assume He doesn’t care. But the fact is…He is and He does. He’s there…cheering you on as you write the test. And, He WANTS you to pass it. In fact, these are the times when you grow the most…when God tests you.

Be quiet. Listen. To Him.

So this brings me back to M. And…because my half-bro, A, contacted me (he hasn’t since contacted me to rearrange our lunch date), I wonder if this is another opportunity to write this test.

I desperately want to do the right thing…to get IT right…now. And, I recognize that M might not be here forever…and if she – physically – is part of this test…I can’t not do this.

I still care…even if she doesn’t.

And, I think I’d rather live by Plan A than by Plan B.

Hodge Podge

2009-05-10T14:36:00.000-07:00

Not that what I wrote in my last post is not the truth...but, I can't wait for today to be over. Seriously. Mother's Day. Get 'er done. C'mon Monday!!! (And, Monday is NOT my fave day of the week.)

I was covered today...since my eyes opened...with a feeling of just...wanting to wrap myself up and sleep the day away. I'm not sad. I'm not upset or angry. I just 'am'.

I went to church...and found it really difficult to worship Him. I love God...but I did not want to raise my hands in the air. I did not want to open my mouth and sing. I did not want to clap...or pray...or have anything to do with the service today. Such a mixture of thoughts, feelings and emotions...today.

(Granted, the pastor that gave the message today was REALLY terrible, too. I'm serious. She was REALLLLYYYY bad. I considered getting up and leaving, she was SO boring, but I wanted to go to lunch with Sally and the rest of our pew posse.)

I felt very quiet. I didn't sing. I didn't raise my arms. I didn't speak.

I did think. A lot. I could have cried a lot, too. But I didn't want to open that tap.

Lunch was a great distraction and very funny (our pew posse is wicked funny). AND!!! Sally opened her gift. :o) She loved it!

Also, I somehow - and unknowingly - chipped one of my teeth. Thank goodness it doesn't hurt...but it's sharp and irritating...and I fear it WILL hurt. (I have mega anxiety about dentists, so this will be a fun week!)

I think I'll spend the rest of the evening watching tv and trying to keep myself awake for a few more hours. I'm really tired. I feel a bit drained, to be honest. This is going to be a really busy and hectic week for me, on the work front...I'm just hoping people will leave me alone (people being colleagues who want 'stuff' from me) and that I can get some productive time under my belt and get some projects completed and off my plate.

I really wish I could make password protected posts on this blog. I feel like I'm holding back right now...on several topics.

Hodge podge of random topics...

Mother's Day

2009-05-08T12:03:00.001-07:00

I’ve always been a ‘collector’ of mothers. I have a birthmother that gave me life. I have a mother that raised me and gave me every opportunity in life to be successful and live my life to the fullest (an opportunity I definitely would not have had, if my birthmother had kept me). I would collect aunts, teachers, instructors and basically any other person I could connect with, as mothers during my growing up years.

Then I stopped (or so I thought). I AM 30 years old, after all.

Then I had a chance meeting, last year, with a woman that I NEVER expected to have in my life. And when I say those words…I mean that I never expected that God loved me SO much, that he would put this person into my life. For me to love. And for me to be loved by. It became clear to me (over the 30 minutes or so we sat together for lunch that day, when I grilled her on adoption and spilled out my guts) at that time…that I would be adding her to my collection. But, I didn’t realize how different it would be. How different SHE would be. How different our relationship would be…from any other that I’ve ever had…in my entire life.

Sally has, most certainly, mothered me.

Possibly, more than anyone ever has.

She has nurtured me…held me…cared for me…supported me…encouraged me…prayed with me and listened to me. She has teased me, poked fun at me, laughed with me, elbowed me, shook her head at me, sprayed sunscreen on me and held my hand. But, most importantly, she has taken the time to nurture me…and our relationship. Sally SEES me. And, she doesn’t look away. Ever. She sees me. She knows me. I can’t put into words how special that is to me…to have someone that SEES the REAL me and KNOWS the REAL me and STILL loves me, regardless?! It’s special.

Mother’s Day has been – for the past 30 years – one of the most difficult days of the year, for me (after my birthday). I grew up thinking, ok…I love my mother…but I’m supposed to celebrate a day for MOTHERS…when the mother I had, first, gave me away? Passed me off? Left me behind? I was supposed to celebrate a day for MOTHERS…when I so desperately missed my first one? I desperately loved (and love) my Mother…but I also desperately loved (and love) my birthmother. It’s been difficult. So, with Mother’s Day looming in the next few days, I’ve found myself emotional.

But, this year, it’s different. It’s not going to be a dark day.

Why? Well…I’d like to say that it’s because I’m making a different choice – which I am! However, Sally is making it different.

After church class the other evening, she handed me a card and said, “This is for you to open…later.” I thought it was going to be an ‘encouragement’ card, since I’ve been struggling…and it was…but it was different… Here’s the front of it:

It says, "I know this Mother's Day may be difficult for you..." and the inside says this (and yes, my Sal's 'real name' is NOT Sally, so I've blocked it out):

She HEARD me. Finally. Someone heard me...that Mother's Day is not a big bunch of beautiful roses. At least, it's not for me. And to know that my pain around Mother's Day is heard...really, is quite healing. I'm grateful. I felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders (after I cried in my parking lot for 30 minutes!).

Sally is most definitely a 'Mama' to me. And, she's encouraged me to change how I feel about Mother's Day...because it's time for a change. It's a choice, now (although it is still painful). I'm sad that I can't celebrate with all of my mothers.

I was trying to think of something special for my new Mama...and I found a beautiful silver bangle...

I LOVE it. I had it engraved on the inside with, "Mama xo"...

I also found the perfect card...

...and the perfect bag. I can't wait until Sunday to give it to her at church!

To all of you who are birthmothers, adoptive mothers, foster mothers, mothers-in-waiting-to-adopt or biological mothers...I wish you an awesome Mother's Day. If you are an adoptee, like me, or you struggle with Mother's Day, like I have...I hope that you have a 'Mother' of some kind...in your life. Even if it's a Mama you've adopted and a Mama that's adopted you...be grateful.

Oprah Winfrey says, "Biology is the least of what makes one a Mother."

I completely agree.

Feeling Loved!

2009-05-07T12:44:00.000-07:00

I’m feeling very loved today! Thank you, Lord!

I began the day a bit earlier than normal because I had to stop and get some blood tests. I have something going on in my body…and no idea what it is. The dr’s thought it was an ulcer, but apparently, it is not. So…now the dr is getting a bit more concerned…since my symptoms seem to be worsening and I’m not responding to tummy/ulcer meds. I’m waiting to get a CAT scan so they can check out my liver, pancreas, and all of the other internal organs in my body. This will NOT show an ulcer…however, it would show anything else – so this is good! Here’s to believing that the blood tests will come back clear…that I’ll get a quick appointment for a scan and that THAT will come back clear, as well (and this pain will heal on its own)!

I know that I said my heart is heavy. And, it has been. Last night was difficult. I had some heavy words with the Lord…and then I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. I scrubbed the tub/shower, toilet, floors, kitchen, bedroom…anything that could be dusted/scrubbed/swept/mopped and/or vacuumed – WAS! I do my best thinking while I clean. I did not sleep well, again, last night, 'tho.

But it changed this morning…when love shot my way in many directions.

1. My pal, Julie, commented here and left me some love and encouragement…and I know she’s praying for me – I feel it – thank you, J! (She’s a ‘mother-in-waiting-to-adopt’ and even though she and her sweet man only found my blog recently, there’s a connection and I kinda feel like I’ve known her for awhile. I’m also secretly hoping she’ll make her blog ‘open’ when she’s more comfortable – because she and her hubby are AMAZING people that will make even more AMAZING parents!)

2. I shot off my Sally a quick email this morning while sitting in morning traffic, to see if she’d have any time to see me today or tomorrow, if I dropped over to her office. I just felt like I needed some Sally time, to make sense of the stuff weighing on my heart. She’s only, really, ‘over the hill’ from me – distance wise…because we both work downtown, but I don’t like to drop by without checking it out with her. As usual, she always makes time for me and today was no different. So, I popped over around noon for a quick chat and pep session. We power-chatted for about 20 minutes…then we prayed on it. She gave me homework, we hugged (she’s the best hugger!) and she sent me on my way.

THEN!!!

3. I get back to my office…just settling in and looking at the piles of work and files on my desk…and the main line rang…my admin assistant transferred over a call to me, and guess who it was?! Guess!!!! It was my Victoria – from ‘Love is not a fight’! Check out her blog, it’s linked here and you can also find the link under my fave blogs category. I was SO excited to hear her voice! Finally!!! How awesome to get to chat with my fave adoptee and sweet friend?! I can’t explain how much her blog, our chats and emails have meant to me…because she very much gets everything ‘adoption’, when it comes to being an adoptee and sorting through reunion. She’s also an awesome Christian and I just heart her. It was so great to finally talk with her and hear her voice.

Then my best bud, Cornpop, called and we had a little chat, making hang time plans for tomorrow night. We also had a giggle, too, because Victoria was mistaken, by my admin assistant, as ‘Cornpop’ just a few minutes earlier.

Ok…and now I’m heading out to dinner – momentarily – with two of my close girlfriends. We haven’t spent much time together in quite awhile…so it will be awesome to catch up. Then, I’m heading home to upload some pictures…and I have a huge Mother’s Day post (with pictures) coming tomorrow!

I hope that you are all as blessed as I am.

I hope that you all feel as loved as I feel…today.

All I Can Say...

2009-05-06T09:45:00.000-07:00

My heart is heavy this week...for many reasons, which I fail to have words for...

There are no words.

I am just praying for a bit of peace...a little relief and room to breathe.

The weight of it...please, Lord, take it.

This song touches my heart...it's called All I Can Say (click here to go to youtube and hear the song). The lyrics are perfect. It is by the David Crowder Band. The lyrics are as follows...

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
That's my everything

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
That's my everything...

Yawn!

2009-05-05T09:05:00.000-07:00

I am mega tired today – I had a really difficult time getting out of bed this morning. Didn’t get much sleep last night and I’m feeling a tad bit drained from the weekend. I’m very much looking forward to bed tonight.

I’m also looking forward to the piece of tuna pizza I made last night that is sitting in my fridge at home. Why did I not pack it for my lunch today…I’ll never know. I took pics of it last night – I’ll post ‘em soon – the pizza turned out awesome and was super tasty! To be honest…the reason why I made the tuna pizza, is because I briefly turned on Celebrity Apprentice on Sunday evening…and I guess the teams had to create a tuna radio jingle/commercial. I don’t watch the show regularly…but both jingles were pretty creative…and, it made me crave tuna! My kitty enjoyed it, too, since I let him lick out the can.

I have a ton of work to get completed this afternoon…things are gearing up and my plate is very full (and disorganized!). I need to get organized…and get movin’.

But first, I need to figure out my lunch situation.

I’m feeling kinda bagel-ish.

Church (or as Cornpop calls it, 'Jesus') class tonight!

Together, Again.

2009-05-02T18:47:00.000-07:00

I'm still rolling today's visit around in my mind and heart. I don't know that I even have words right now to describe the emotions and feelings that today brought. Comfort, understanding and love, are just a few.

For now...here I am with my J, after (much discussion on how long it's been - she said 4, I said at least 8 and one of her daughters remembered exactly) 12 years! --->

And her sweet little gift (her words were, "You can keep this on your desk and when you look at it, you can say, 'Oh, J is thinking of me!'") for me --->

Guilty...

2009-05-01T10:45:00.001-07:00

There has been a bit of heaviness on my heart today. Of course, it could be the crappy whether today, too. I do much better in sun. But...there's something else weighing me down...

...I'm having lunch with my brother's birthmother - J - tomorrow.

I feel guilty.

They haven't seen one another for years...or for that matter, haven't had CONTACT for years (I'm talking 10 years at least...). His bmom has sent him cards...but he either doesn't open them...or he does and hasn't replied. Now...I 'get' him not replying. That doesn't bother me...and I understand that he needs to deal with his birthfamily in the way that is right for him. I know some of the reasons why their reunion was put on the back burner...and I'm on his side on a few issues that he's had with his birthmother.

But...I feel like a traitor. I feel guilty for having contact with her. He's my brother. J's not even a relative...really...of mine. (Although...J IS my brother's birthmother...so, would that not make her somehow a relative of mine? If so, what would you call her?)

She and I were in contact via Facebook a few months ago, I guess it's been now. And, to be honest...it's been great. There's something oddly comforting about her and our conversations. To add to it, our conversations have basically had nothing to do with my brother. In fact, I've made it clear that I will not give out my bro's details...other than he's well, has his own house and is happy. J is perfectly okay with this. She hasn't pushed...no pressure on her part...although she has told me she misses him and so badly wants to know how he is and would love to have him in her life. But on me...she has put no pressure.

Instead, she's listened to me...a lot...spewing out my adoption situation stuff and has given me support and encouragement. She's updated me on what she's been up to and how her four other kids (now young adults) are doing. And, we've talked about God, religion, moving, life, jobs...and a bunch of other stuff.

I feel a connection with her. The same connection I felt when I first met her. The same connection that I felt when I shyly sat on my bed when I was in highschool (wanting desperately to find my own birthmother) while she sat in a rocking chair across from my bed. The same connection that I felt when we were trying to find some common ground...other than the fact that SHE had given birth to MY brother. There was something there. I was an adoptee and she was a birthmother. Regardless of her being my bro's bmom, we still held those two titles - which connected us in a strange way.

But lemme tell ya, folks...I feel guilty. Guilty, guilty, guilty.

I feel like I'm being a traitor...for talking to her, when my brother won't. Despite the fact that I do refuse, and will refuse (and J is ok with this) to give out his info without his permission. I AM being protective of him. This is a sisterly duty...right? I'm fulfilling the job of a sister...right? Protecting him? Defending him?

But what about me? Is it ok to find comfort in a relationship with J? Is it ok to meet her for lunch and chat via email?

My gut tells me YES. But, dude, what is this guilty feeling about?!

Want adoption help?!

2009-04-30T07:24:00.000-07:00

So...I have a question for you - my dear bloggers!

What would you guys think if I had an "Ask Sally" corner on my blog? Where you bloggers could ask an adoption related question...to my Sally - who has over 19 years of experience in the adoption field (working with adoptees, birthparents, adoptive families, doing placements, etc.) and get her advice? You could ask ANYTHING! I would update it about every two weeks...and you readers could also weigh in on the situation and offer your experience and advice, too! (It will be possible to ask a question anonymously and if requested, I promise I won't share ANY of your info, ever!)

Her experience and advice have been absolutely life-changing for me. Sal GETS adoption stuff...it's really quite amazing - for me - to have a conversation about my adoption issues, with her...because I don't have to explain details...or give much background. She understands on a very deep level and gives amazing advice. (She's also an awesome Christian!)

Of course, I haven't even asked Sally if she'd be game for this...but I'm having faith that if you guys are up for this, that you'll reply and let me know...and I'll make a decision based on your responses.

If you're up for this...just comment and say 'Yes'! Please comment!

(PS - thanks so much to all of you new readers for your interest in my story and for leaving me a comment! I genuinely appreciate your support and when I have a new comment, I love to check out your blogs! Your stories touch my heart. Also - Cristy! - for some reason, I cannot comment on your blog...do you know the reason for this? It's frustrating!)

Faith

2009-04-29T11:57:00.000-07:00

I think my faith is being tested.

As you all know, I never did hear back (or receive confirmation) from the half-bro, A. I didn’t contact him further to push for getting together (I do have his phone number and know where he works) and decided to leave it as it was and not allow it to make me crazy. Last night as I was stepping into my church class (really awesome and fun!!!), I saw his name on my Blackberry. I actually physically shook my head in a mix of frustration, ‘why now’ attitude and general ‘argh-ness’.

A’s reply said that he was sorry it had taken him so long to get back to me (even though he had initially stated he’d be free this week) and he’s been swamped at work because of this Swine Flu business (granted, he DOES work in an area where this would keep him busy) and he hopes I didn’t go to the restaurant (duh…why would I go when he never confirmed? I’m not a moron) and he is hoping to be on top of things by Friday of this week (and that means…???). As you can see, I added my two cents (with an attitude) in parenthesis.

Here’s my take on it all…and I briefly talked to Sally about this last night and told her what I’m going to write out now…

HE contacted ME. HE wanted lunch, not ME. He is the one who wants to meet and talk. He also has a Blackberry and it would have taken him all of…I dunno, maybe 30 seconds?...to politely send me an email and tell me he’s super busy at work, will be in touch the beginning of next week and offer up a couple days that might work, again, for lunch. I’m not playing this game. I played it with my birthmother…I played it with my birthfather…I played it with various biological relatives and I’m NOT playing it again.

(Sally said she was gonna get out her pom-poms.)

Now, between me getting that email and talking to Sally after class about this…the Pastor that runs our particular class, was talking about FAITH. He was saying that Faith is an action word. Faith takes action. You must actually believe something to ‘be’, if you really do have faith. Some people will say they have faith…but they won’t necessarily follow through with an action…so, really, they don’t have faith…because faith is an action word.

Faith takes work. Faith is movement. Faith is believing.

An example…we have faith in the solar system. We believe that everyday…the sun will rise…and the sun will set. We believe it. If you have faith in your life…let’s say, you need a job, you must believe that you will get a job and you must walk through those doors that open for you. You can’t just sit home and pray that someone calls you up and plops a job on your lap. You must take action.

And then…if we’re talking about having faith in God (and I am, right now…and I’m referring to my adoption situation/issues)…then that also takes action. I admit that my faith falters. I can say that it often is strong at one point in the day and not so hot at some other points. But, I do have faith that God will heal my heart…and all of the adoption issues. I have faith that He will work it out – in His own time and with His own agenda and not my own.

While in class, I was thinking…ok, then does having faith in the above mean that I should reply to A and offer up another time? Does that mean me forgiving his lack of reply and continuing eagerly and begging for another lunch time where we can hook up? Does it mean me believing that we need to get together and talk it out? Should I reach out?

But, it came to me…as I was talking it out with my Sally and while driving home in my car, I got it.

I have faith that God will heal my heart. God is going to heal all of my adoption issues…and I have faith…and I believe completely in this. (Please remind me of this when I get ready to toss in the towel, again!) I do not know what this means to God. I don’t know what His plan is. I really don’t. All I can do is follow Him and be honest…be compassionate…be forgiving and believe in Him. I don’t have to do anything but have faith in Him…and that is an action in itself.

THIS time, have faith IN Him.

I have faith that this will work itself out. But right now, my faith action in this…is to sit with it. My faith action is to believe. My faith action is to be patient. My faith action is to NOT reply to A, but to wait for him to contact me, again. I’ve always done the work…and it has turned out miserably every single time. I always make a complete and utter mess out of it when I do the work by myself. This time…I’m sitting on it.

For the first time, ever, I’m going to let Him do the work.

I have faith that He can.

The Beach

2009-04-28T07:57:00.001-07:00

Cornpop and I hit the beach on Saturday. The weather was beautiful – and hot! – except at the beach…where we nearly froze our feet off. But, it was beautiful nonetheless! I think we managed to sit there bundled up for almost 40 minutes! Here are some pics!

That's moi (on the left) and Cornpop. We're both squinting....and make-up-less.

Beautiful Atlantic Ocean! (I love the water!!!)

Cornpop's feet!

We had fun...as we always do on our escapades...

A Bee's Nest

2009-04-27T12:20:00.000-07:00

When I hadn’t received confirmation about the supposed lunch with the half-bro, A, I shot off an email to him – on Friday – to ask him to confirm for this Tuesday (tomorrow!!!). He hasn’t replied in any way (and he’s the one who initiated all of this). He also let me know that he has a Blackberry…and everyone knows…emails go to your BB. So, unless he’s fallen off the face of the earth, why hasn’t he replied?!

My stomach has been in a state of craziness the past week. Between being nauseous and the (growing) pain of my ulcer (that I haven’t been able to get on top of for months now), I know this is stressing me out. My adoption stuff stresses me out…and when I’m under stress, it always causes havoc in my stomach.

I realized something today. My stomach/body/mind/heart…and adoption stuff…are comparable to a beehive. My adoption stuff = a beehive. It’s all well and good when things are calm…when nothing is bothering the nest of black and yellow bugs that sting. The bees are swimming in a honey of happiness when they can come and go without interference from the outside world. All is sweet in the hive!

However – watch out when someone throws in a smoke bomb…or a hand waving around…or an exterminator. The bees go nuts. It’s not a pleasant situation.

That’s how I feel inside.

After M (bmom) made it very clear in December that she didn’t want to have anything to do with me, I went through a lot of feelings. From grief and sadness, to anger and frustration. I went through feelings of panic and felt abandoned…AGAIN (I’ve felt this through numerous stages of this reunion process). It knocked me off of my feet. It was painful and difficult. It was bad.

After some weeks passed, I started to put the pieces back together. I began to calm down…my heart started to re-focus on the people in my life who dearly love me and support me. I started to focus on all of the blessings that God placed in my life. I began to heal. I also truly believed that THIS – my last conversation with M – was the end of my story. Not the end I necessarily wanted or planned for…but it WAS an end…and since it was mine, I needed to figure it out and live with it.

The beehive became calm again. MY beehive learned to function easily…again.

When A sent that email a couple of weeks ago, it stirred things up. I never – although I hoped for it – thought I’d hear from them again. I assumed I may hear from him or my half-sis when my bmom passed away…but I thought it was over and done with. I believed there wasn’t any hope (even though God whispered there was).

I feel like A jumped in…stirred up the bee’s nest…and then walked away. Granted, he could be busy with numerous things…and who is to say that something major isn’t happening in his life. I get that anything is a possibility (and in all honesty…from what I know of him, he’s a decent guy). But…I’m angry. The bees are angry. My stomach is angry. Not just with A…but with my birthmother…with my half-sis…with my entire birthfamily. Everything – still – is so all over the place.

I don’t think my birthfamily, or A, realize what contact (or lack of) does. I don’t think they can comprehend the anxiety and pain it stirs up. Like, seriously. Contact from them is like throwing a smoke bomb into a beehive. It throws my whole body into chaos. I don’t like it.

It’s been years and years of constant stirring up of the nest. I know that this nest is an absolute part of my life and who I am…and will be forever. I know that it’s really up to me to control the nest…I have control of catching the smoke bomb on the way in.

But, I’m just learning.

I’m going to heal from this. I know that He wouldn’t allow this to be stirred up, again, without the possibility of healing. I know that He promises healing. I know that it’s being stirred up for a reason…I’m not sure what the reason is…but He is.

And, so…here I am. Beehive and all.

Sometimes it's just...

2009-04-25T18:19:00.000-07:00

...too much.

Really.

Sometimes I'm just overwhelmed and drowning in this adoption stuff. I miss my half-sis, so much the past few days...since A sent off that email to me about lunch. Sometimes it just completely knocks me over. Sally says I need to become a better 'surfer girl'. And, I do.

I know it sounds silly...but I just want to be held. HELD. I want to be squeezed. I want someone (that I trust...not some complete stranger...) to hold me. While I cry this out. I just want someone to wrap their arms around me and squeeze me tight and not let go until I'm finished. That could take awhile. Sal says, "God will squeeze you..." And, yes, He will. I know He will. But...I need arms. REAL arms. A REAL shoulder. REAL hands...to wrap around myself.

I'm having lunch next Saturday with my bro's birthmother. I know...you're thinking...what?! Where did THAT come from? (I've been wary of blogging about this - I will update more soon!) My bro hasn't had contact with her in years...and of course, when his reunion went on the fritz...so did my relationship with his birthmom, J. (We had been somewhat close.) We just kinda hooked up about two months ago...via Facebook. I have feelings of mega guilt...since my bro has nada to do with her...but it just feels right to talk with J.

To be honest, it's healing. I'm guessing, for both J and I. There isn't that bio-connection between us...since she's my bro's bmom...but yet, there IS a connection. She's a birthmom...I'm an adoptee...and we care about one another. The best part...is that honesty can flow between us...because we're not hurt by one another. I'm feeling slightly guilty, though...since my bro and fam have no clue. I do need to make it clear though...that I have not given her any info on my bro...other than he's alive and well. I don't plan on it, either. I get that he needs his privacy...I GET that. And...I'm thankful that J is just as understanding about that...because she hasn't pushed (or asked) for any info on my bro.

I haven't seen J for years. I'm really looking forward to seeing her again...and just visiting in person. It'll be interesting - I'll try to take some pics! Our convos via email have been really awesome...just chatting about anything and everything.

I'm driving to J's town...which is about an hour outside of the city. I'm hoping to hook up with another friend, for a quick visit, while I'm in the town.

And...this other friend...has really great arms to climb into...

(PS - Does anyone know if you can password protect blog entries on blogspot, like you can on wordpress and other blog sites???)

Random stuff...

2009-04-24T12:22:00.000-07:00

1. I haven't heard back from A, re: getting together next week. I asked for confirmation today, but haven't received a reply. We'll see what happens.

2. Work has been CRAZY! busy. We're gearing up for our busiest time of the year...and going full speed ahead! I swear I need about 5 more hours in the working day. (I refuse to work more than 9 to 5!) Once we hit June...I'll be working 16 + hour days for a month.

3. My apartment is now fully unpacked, organized and clean! Yay! I must take more pics of my new condo and post 'em for all to see.

4. Speaking of pics...I'm going to try to start to incorporate more pics into my blog, to make it more colourful!

5. The weekend is supposed to be SUNNY and WARM!!! Thank you, Lord! We've had such crappy weather lately...and I'm completely a sunny kinda girl. It's gonna be 19 degrees celcius! Ok, for those of you who shudder at the thought of that *cold for you* temperature...that IS warm for here right now! I'm taking my best bud, Cornpop, on a little road trip tomorrow.

6. I got Sally the PERFECT Mother's day gift today! And, the perfect card! I'll take pics. I'm so excited!!! (I'm also hoping she doesn't read this, either...she did have the link at one point...but I'm assuming she's way too busy to read this.)

7. When I got Sally her gift...the lady offered to buff my silver bracelet that I got when I was in NC earlier this year. I purchased a silver bangle bracelet from the Billy Graham Museum/Library...and I've been wearing it daily since (Cornpop did take ownership of it for a week at one point), so it's been a bit worn in...but now it looks new! On it, is etched with, "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength." Isaiah 40:31. (I'll take a pic of it, later, and post it....and more on my visit there.)

8. I'm also excited to sleep tonight. What a wild week.

9. For those of you who read and don't comment...leave me a note, will ya? So I'll know who my readers are!

:o)

Purpose to the Pain

2009-04-21T08:44:00.000-07:00

I heard back from my half-bro…and then replied. We’ll be meeting for lunch, next week. You can read the correspondence below.

I do wish, though, that this situation didn’t make me randomly burst into tears. The kind of tears that form a lump in your throat and a knot in your belly. The kind of tears that come from a deep place in your heart. A place so deep, it catches you off guard, because you didn’t even know it existed. I wish that it didn’t affect me – still – so deeply.

If you’re so inclined…please pray for me. Please pray that God will just continue to heal my heart in the way that only He can. Please pray that God can take this pain…and make it into something amazing. Something that will make me say, “It was worth going through all of that, to have ‘this’.”

I’ve been hanging on to a quote for the last two weeks. I’m unsure where it came from, but it says, “Trust that the confusion and unease of the present time are part of God’s plan for you.”

I need this pain to have meaning. If this pain has meaning…then, Lord, I will hold on. I want to be used, by the Lord. I desperately want my life, character and actions to reflect Him. But, I also desperately need my pain to have meaning and right now…with the adoption stuff…I don’t have a sense that this has any meaning whatsoever. I’m blindly trusting that the Lord has a bigger plan. That one day (soon, puhlease?!) I will be able to say…”So THIS is what You were preparing me for. Thank you, Lord!!!”

Right now, I have no clue where I am heading…and why. But, I’m here and I know that as long as my heart remains open…and willing…that He will not forsake me. He will not leave. He will love me through this. He will continue to keep awesome people on my path that will love me and support me through this. He will continue to give me grace.

As for the correspondence…here is A’s email back to me and mine to him…

A’s email to me:

Hi Laurel,

Sorry it's taken so long to respond. I haven't had my blackberry with me for the last couple of days. Unfortunately, neither today will work for a get together as I am in meetings and training on both days. Is there some time next week possibly.

I'm usually pretty flexible with lunch, so any time between 12 and 2 can usually work.

Thanks and nice to hear from you.

A

My email to A:

Hi A,

Next Tuesday (April 28th) would work for me. How about we meet at #### at 12:30 pm, on ######. I'll grab a table if I get there before you. Will that work for you?

Laurel

My response was...

2009-04-18T15:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, so after four days of thinking and consultation with my Sally...I took her advice to accept A's offer to 'do lunch'. I was (and AM!) hesitant about doing this. It's just a difficult and awkward situation all around. However, I'm feeling in my heart that I just need to go and...

...listen.

Imagine that! Just listen!

Listening is not always my instinct. In fact, I had made up speeches in my head that I would like to say to my birthmother and my half brother, A. Y'know...the kind where you say everything that is on your mind...that includes hurts from ten years ago not just with them...but basically with everything in your life. Speeches where it gives them a kick in the gut...and gives you a bit of satisfaction, that they may hurt...just like you do.

I hadn't thought of just LISTENING until it was suggested by Sal.

But this time is different. I'm in charge...and I have a whole whack of support...not to mention I feel much stronger than I ever have before...I KNOW who I am...and I know I'll be fine...no matter what happens.

So, I will listen. I will listen with my heart open and my feet firmly planted on the ground and not with any negative intention. I will pray that God prepares my heart...and A's heart...to have this conversation. I'll listen...and then make a decision as to whether or not I'll open that door a little bit further.

I will listen, so that I may hear what I haven't been able to...before.

My response to A was short and to the point. I avoided the questions, because they don't matter right now and it's awkward...and kinda pointless. But, I responded...and we'll see what happens.

Here's my email to A:

Hi A,

I could meet for lunch on Tuesday or Wednesday of this upcoming week (the 21st or 22nd). 12:30 would work best for me and preferably at ### on ###. You can let me know if this would work for you, at this email address.

Laurel

Construction continues!

2009-04-18T14:57:00.000-07:00

No - I'm not an ugly blog decorator! I'm still under construction and trying to find the right layout for my blog.

And the birthfamily returns...

2009-04-15T06:43:00.001-07:00

Sunday evening my Blackberry started to flash as I was watching the Amazing Race on tv. This meant that I had a text message and/or an email. So, I pressed the button and then went into my email list and there it was...I had an email. But, not from just anyone... It was an email from my half-brother (my birthmother's son - who is older than me).

My first thought was, "Lord, you have GOT to be kidding me." Seriously?! Are you really taking me here...again?! SERIOUSLY?!?!

I have not replied. I have many mixed feelings and thoughts on this. I have no idea what I am going to do... I've just been sitting with it...giving it some time, so I can sort through the surface feelings and determine how I REALLY feel deep in my heart. Sometimes the TRUE feelings are hidden by surface anger and resentments. I've been praying so hard on this.

I have NEVER gotten an email from him...and I know that the only person who had my email address is my half-sister (from my birthmother, also older than me), so I know she gave it to him - she does not want to see me or speak to me. I met the half-brother in '96...but we never had a relationship.

If you're wondering about my adoption story and my last encounter with my birthmother...go back to December...when she made it very clear to me how she felt about me.

Anyway...here is the email I received. Feel free to leave your thoughts and comments!

Hi Laurel,

I know it's been a REALLY long time. How are you?

I was talking to Mom today, and she said she had lost your phone number, and would like to talk to you. Can you either call her (###) ###-#### or email me your number to give to her? I wouldn't mind having your number and email address (if there is another one besides this).

She hasn't been well, but is now getting better - again - constant struggle with her. Hopefully this time, things are under control. I'm sure you have noticed changes in her when you were talking to her. Long story. Perhaps we can do lunch some time so I can fill you in?

So, aside from that, how are you? I know it's out of the blue, and I hope you don't mind. My work email is the best to reach me at: #####. Thanks Laurel. Hope to hear from you soon.

A

Changes...

2009-04-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

Ok, so...I've completely lost my links section on the right of my page. Apparently I also now change my blog by editing the HTML. Oi vey. If there are any internet/html savvy readers...feel free to throw me advice/help!

Also...if you're a regular reader and you know I was linked to you...please leave me a comment so I can link you again?

*Edited to add - Nevermind! I've fixed the links!*

Hang in there with me...while my blog is under construction!

:o)

He Is Risen Indeed!

2009-04-12T10:41:00.000-07:00

Today is a new day! I'm so grateful to God for such awesome blessings in my life today! In just a couple of weeks...my focus has been turned to the blessings, after being on the sadness and missing puzzle pieces for much too long. My focus is now on the awesome people in my life, the light...and my relationship with Jesus!

I hope everyone is having a blessed Easter and watch out for a new blog layout coming soon...and more regular writing!