No Impact

Ok, so, there is a TON to update on. However, I'm finding it difficult to find words right now...but I am going to start blogging more again, in order to get things out of my head and perhaps sort through it rather than hold it all in.

In the meantime...I came upon a blog written by a woman who is not only a birthmother, but an adoptee as well. Very interesting. Reading through her latest blog entry, I came upon the following words she was quoting by Nancy Verrier. I'm assuming it's from her latest book, but I am not positive. In my opinion, Verrier is basically the only author that *gets* adoption and the complexity of all that it involve. She just GETS it and is able to capture it in words on a page.

I'll comment on this further, soon, but here's the jist of it...

"One of the most deep-seated beliefs an adoptee has is the belief that he has no impact on others. (Adoptive parents, who felt as if their acting-out child controlled the total dynamics of the family, and partners of adoptees, who believe the same about their relationship, will be surprised by this revelation.) This belief is based on his failure to impact his mother when she disappeared from his life. He cried and cried, yet she failed to return. Therefore, his belief is that he is not important, not worthy, has no impact. As difficult as this may be for others to understand, it is at the core of the adoptee’s lack of self-worth. If he has no impact, then his actions will have no impact.” (Nancy Verrier)

I so GET this myself. Not that it all necessarily applies to me right now...but I GET this. This explains so much.

I'm around...

I am well...just very busy and feeling *quiet*. I'll update soon.

No words...

I got an email that my birthfather attempted suicide...again. And, he asked for me. Again. He seems to want me, only when he attempts. He doesn't want me to see how I am. He doesn't want me to get to know me...HIS daughter. He doesn't pick up the phone and make contact with me himself. I could go on and on.

Leading up to the suicide prevention walk I'm organizing for this coming weekend...I have no words. And even if I did, I wouldn't say them...because what's the point?