What's wrong with me?

(Note: I realize the typos in my last blog...but am not going to fix them.)

So, tonight I got an email. From my brother's birthmother (my older bro is adopted). I've written about her before...because I saw her back in - I don't know - June? Maybe?

And, I was just thinking to myself...it's sad. That my brother's birthmom wants to talk to me, know me and see me...more than my own stinking birthfamily. How crazy is that? And, the thing is...J GENUINELY wants to know me and see me. She doesn't drill me for info on my bro (who is not in relationship with her or any of his bfam) or my family...she just wants to know what I'm up to, how I'm doing and wants me to know how she is and what she's up to (and the rest of her fam).

Also, for reasons unknown, her contact...is healing and calming. Haven't figured out why...but it is. Thank the Lord.

Why doesn't my own birthfamily not want anything to do with me? None of them contact me on their own. Wendy emails me...but only when it will serve her to be in contact with me...and I don't feel her contact is genuine (ok, maybe it is...in a flakey-hot-pink-nails kinda way) and I mean, my birthmother and her family definitely want nada to do with me.

What did I do wrong? How come my life brings all of them such pain...and disgust...that they don't even want to know me? Their own blood? What's wrong with me? I get that I was/am a result of an affair between my bmom and bdad and they had an age difference of 16 years and she was married with kids, already. But, why is that MY prob? Why do I need to carry it for the rest of my life?

I just don't get it. I can't comprehend their thoughts/actions.

And, maybe more importantly...what the heck is wrong with THEM?!

Flicks

So, I'm sitting here. Wanting to write...but not sure what to blog about! Sure, lots to share...but what do I REALLY wanna share?

Recent movies?

I saw Whip It, with my pal, Mar, a few weeks ago. I'd give it an 8.5 out of 10. I enjoy Ellen Page. I also was really inspired by the movie...because it really was about going for what you are passionate about. And, really, how many people get up every morning and are able to do something that they are PASSIONATE about? That's my goal. How to accomplish it? I've yet to figure that out.

I also saw The Stepfather, with my bff, Cornpop. I'd give it a 5 - and only because it did have some entertainment value. It was fake and cheesy from the very beginning, but it did entertain. I also enjoy Sela Ward. She has nice teeth. Don't be surprised to see a sequel for this one...because The Stepfather lived...apparently, after he fell through the attack and then off the top of the house.

On Saturday, I saw This Is It, with my younger cousin. She's a Michael Jackson mega-fan (she's almost 13 and didn't even listen to his music until after he died). I give this flick a 10. It's not a *movie*. It's not a chronicle of his life and/or death. It's not a documentary. It's hard to hit the nail on the head in explaining this flick.

While MJ was rehearsing for his upcoming tour, they were filming the entire thing...to document it. And, it left me feeling like I had the experience of seeing him in concert, witnessing his pure genuis as an entertainer and a very small glimpse of his passion and heart. It blew me away. It mentioned NOTHING of his passing. It was good. And, what was even more interesting...was that no one moved after it was over. While the credits rolled...everyone just sat there, in silence. As if they were tossing it around in their heads and hearts.

I give it two thumbs up.

So, I replied and got a reply...

Ok, so I did respond to Wendy...she responded back to me...and again, me to her. Here's how it went. (Look to my previous blog entry to see her email to me...after disappearing for two months.)

Me to Wendy:
Yes, lots happening!

Last I heard from you, it was almost two months ago and you said you'd be in touch really soon, to let me know when you may have some time to get together. You were also going to let me know when I could come by to meet R, as well - never did hear back and couldn't understand why.

What is the business venture? My life is very full right now, but you said you'd love to talk about it, so feel free. I'm open to listening and giving it some thought.

Laurel

Wendy to me:
Two month ago! Oh my god I don’t believe it. We only saw R the night of our party. HE spent all his time with his son. He had some trouble with the law and R came home to appear in court with him and to spend some quality time. I was a little pissed at that but I knew that he had to spend his time with M. H got to see him a couple of times but I have no idea when.

My mother has been having a very hard time with her MS. Non stop, every day, something new. I have been examining a number of things that she may be able to take that her system won’t reject. I know an RN in *province* who had two weeks to live and she told me about this product. It has been sooo amazing for so many things that I am just blown away. My mother has experienced numerous things. Anyway if you get a chance to look it up, it is called Waiora. We also have a site that has real testimonies. This site is updated on a regular basis. This product is also guaranteed to work within one month or your money back. People would be stupid NOT to take this. The lady from *province* is Bev E. It has been a year now for her and just by telling others about the product, she has made 40,000. It is amazing and I know you will like it.

Me to Wendy:
I looked up Waiora - interesting. Seems like it's helped numerous folks! After reading, I'm not (personally) really interested in the product. But, I do hope it can help your mother (I'll continue to keep her in prayer, too)!

Laurel

I did not get a response back from her. I sent my last response on Wednesday afternoon.

So, here are some of my thoughts.

One, after researching this product, the deal is...people get $ from referring OTHERS to the product. Her second long paragraph with details on her mother, seriously looked, to me, like she copy and pasted it. Also, when she wanted to "partner" with me...last time I checked, she is flakey...but not mentally challenged (though you could argue she is) and why in the world would anyone want to PARTNER with someone who they don't get along with and/or have a stable relationship with. Y'know? So, my guess...is her business venture email, asking me to partner up, was a way of trying to get me to the product, so she could then cash in on refering me. I'm guessing she sent that email to everyone else in her address book.

Two, since July, when I saw Nana H and Wendy initiated contact by emailing me when she heard I was in town, I have asked Wendy if she could spare any time to hang and her first reaction was "I will let you know when I have time, really soon." That was back at the end of July. I since have, again, asked for time...to which she told me about their family reunion...and then just went AWOL and never responded to me at all. Here we are...in November...and I still haven't seen her. And, I wonder...is this just flakey Wendy, again? Or, again, is this relationship just *on* when she wants it to be. Sometimes...with my birthfamily...I've felt like a show-and-tell item. Ok...well, we have this relative that was given for adoption...and it's kinda cool to have her around sometimes...makes for a good conversation topic with friends, to say...oh yeah, well my hubby's brother gave his daughter up for adoption and she contacted us a few years back...etc.

Like, really. Wtf gives, people?

Three, Wendy goes MIA for two months...and then when she emails...she wants me to go into business with her? She never asked how I was. Never said, have you found a job? (She knew I was not employed back in the summer.) Never said...hey, I'll be in the city on *whatever day*, wanna go for lunch? Or, hey, I have like 2 hours free on Saturday...want to drive up for a quick lunch/tea?

It all really freaking sucks.

I haven't contacted her further. I felt like...if I did...I would do it out of anger and expectation. When I take action for those reasons...it NEVER works out. And, to be honest, Wendy is not necessarily mature and able to be an adult, if she hears something she doesn't like and/or feels attacked. I'll spare the details...but email is not a good venue to put your feelings out there - with her. Anyone else? Great. Wendy? Not so much.

Yesterday, I felt the need to email her to clarify and ask her...what is the deal? Do you not wanna see me? Is it too much? Are you putting it off? Is this a game to you? But again - it would have been for the same reasons as in the above paragraph.

So, my plan, is to email her, this coming week...if it sits right in my heart...and ask her - AGAIN - if she can figure out when she might have some free time to have a visit. And...it's my intention...to get together...and then I hope to talk some stuff out with her. Nothing big - I know she can't handle too much - but to get a general feeling about what she can offer and what she can't.

This may take some time, to send this email. I have a lot on my plate right now. One step at a time.

Old Love

I had a dream last night about a friend - a guy friend - from high school. Mind you, I knew him after high school...did a year in university with him and still see him around from time to time. I had a dream about him last night and the entire day, he's been on my mind and I wondered...what could have been, between us.

T and I clicked immediately. We became fast friends, first. He was funny...I was funny and when we were together, we were always in tears from laughter and having fun. We hung out. Danced. Went to the mall. Drove around the local streets (once we got our licenses!) until our curfew came in the night. Ate...a lot. Went to movies. Talked about life issues. We were good friends. I cared about him and he cared about me.

The problem? And, perhaps why we aren't together today...is because of his culture. His family is Indian and his parents are from India. Needless to say, I was not his mother's dream girl that she pictured her son with. She (and his father) wanted an arranged marriage with an indian girl. T wasn't so sure he wanted that, but followed his mother's rules.

I remember, one time in high school, we went out for coffee one evening and he handed me a letter. It was a love letter. He told me he had deep feelings for me and thought that we might be meant to be. More than friends. Perhaps even soulmates. To be honest...I felt the exact same way. But, at the time, I told T that his mother would never approve, so why would we even go 'there'? So, we didn't. But, we continued to be best buddies and although I took a date to my senior prom (and he went as a date for my best friend), we spent most of the evening dancing, kidding around and might as well have been each other's date.

Two years ago, T called me outta the blue. We hadn't seen one another for a few years...just kinda drifted apart. And, so we went to lunch. As soon as I saw him...the feelings just came over me like a wave and I was filled with longing to just wrap my arms around him and tell him all of what had happened in my life over those three years. I wanted to. I knew in my heart we'd be a great couple. I knew that he felt the same way.

I asked T, during lunch...if he thought we should give it a try. He said he'd thought of it over the years...numerous times...but that he invited me to lunch for a reason. A big one.

His parents, just a month prior, decided on a girl for him to marry. T said that he didn't agree with it...but felt the need to follow the tradition of his culture and parents urging. My heart broke...although I understood. I didn't necessarily agree with an arranged marriage, but I understood.

The worst part? Is that he told me he still had feelings for me. And, he wished that he didn't have to wed a girl that he never even knew and didn't know if he'd like her. But, he was hoping she would grow on him...and that they COULD fall in love and be life partners forever.

Oh, how I wish things were different. If T showed up at my door tonight, I'd welcome him in with open arms. I loved him then. I still love him, today.

I saw T, and his wife, at the mall last Christmas. I could tell in his eyes...that he still loved me...and I still loved him. But, I also could see that his wife is beautiful, clearly very smart (he's a doctor, himself) and that she loved him. Or, at least she looked like she did.

He deserves to be loved. And, I haven't talked to him since...but I truly do wish him and his sweet wife...a happy and blessed life.

But, it's interesting...to go back...to wonder 'what if' and wonder what could have been. I can't go back. Neither can he. However, last night's dream left me missing him, feeling slightly empty...and wondering if we could have ever made a go of it.

'It' being a life. Together.

Business venture...huh?

I had a procedure done yesterday. I was napping on my couch in the afternoon for a couple of hours, tired from the meds and everything. When I woke - in the middle of Dr. Phil, mind you - I picked up my Blackberry and had a couple of texts and a few emails. Guess who two of the emails were from?

C'mon...guess!

Wendy.

The first was a forward about H1N1. I didn't even read it.

The second? It said this:
Sorry I have not been in contact with you. Bad excuse but a lot of things happening. I have been working on a business venture and would really like YOU to partner with ME. Love to talk about it.

Ummm...excuse me?

She apparently has had so much happening that she couldn't send me off an email, or follow through on what she offered in her last email...for two months? Two months.

But...let's talk about the other issue... A business venture?! I laughed out loud. I am still giggling about it. Why in the world...would she want to partner with me? Someone who she's had a tumultuous (sp?) relationship with from the very beginning of when we met? We haven't seen one another in almost three years, let alone talked. Umm, can you say risky? The girl can't even keep her word on something small (and some things large). Why the heck would I wanna risk being involved in a business venture with HER?

I kinda wonder if it's just a ploy to get me to respond. Notice that she never addressed when she'd have time to hang out or the fact that she promised to arrange a meeting with my uncle...2 months ago...and never followed up whatsoever, in any way.

I haven't responded. Dunno when I will.

Nada

I haven't heard from Wendy. I have, since the last time I posted her name on my blog, but since that day, I have not heard from her. The last time we emailed was on Friday, September, 4th (which, by the way, was also the day that I had a CAT scan and it was discovered that I had a five inch mass in my transverse colon). I sent off another email, asking if she had free time that weekend...which was a holiday here, Labour Day. Wendy replied and told me that the weekend would be the D Family reunion weekend. The annual party that she and Mike throw at their house on the lake. Read: my paternal birthfamily reunion. Read: Laurel is not welcome.

It's a little bizarre. Holding the power to turn everything upside down, for that side of my birthfamily. The family member that was placed...likely with the hope that she'd never return (I don't know really...I know that's kinda dramatic, but I feel dramatic today).

In the email, Wendy said she'd 'love' to invite me, but couldn't. She also reiterated that she'd be in touch 'real soon' with a time to hang out. And, she also offered to organize a get together the next week, for me to go up and meet an uncle that I had never met, who came from out west for the reunion. She said I would 'love' him.

I replied and didn't say anything in regard to the party. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all, right? However, I did accept her invite to meet another uncle. No reply from her. And, it wasn't a big surprise. I knew...from the past, that she would remember that I did not want to meet any relatives and wasn't eager to jump into meeting others on that side. I know she assumed that I would have the same feelings now...and it would take her off the hook...because she OFFERED something. So, when I replied with a positive yes...she didn't/couldn't follow through...and disappeared, as she always did...when things got difficult.

I'm unsure about what to do now, to be honest. Some days I want to contact her...and some days, it's just not worth it. Plus, as written above, I'm dealing with some other issues that have taken my focus the last couple of months.

It's just interesting to me. That Wendy hasn't changed one bit since the last time we had a relationship. And...since she hasn't...why do I even wanna go *there*? I know that I have changed. Perhaps that is why.

I need to be really strong on my own...before I open that door, again.

It just ain't worth it at this very moment.

It's (almost) my birthday

Note: I wrote the following earlier today. I saved it in my draft folder to see how I'd feel after sitting with it. Below this first part is a second part - it's what I wrote after sitting with the first part.

Part One:

Tomorrow - October 14th - is my birthday. Please don't say Happy Birthday.

I'll be 31 years old and my birthday still holds mixed feelings and emotions, for me, as it has for years. Some years I make it through with flying colours and enjoy the day and love the cards, presents and phone calls from family and friends. Other years...I wish that October 14th didn't even exist.

This year, I wish that I could fast forward through the day. Because, this year, it seems to just bring sadness, confusion and a ton of frustration.

I know for adoptive parents the day of the birth of the child they've been entrusted with, is likely the best day in their entire lives. I know for my adoptive parents...it WAS one of the best days of their lives.

But, for me...it wasn't. How could it be? It's ridiculous.

I cannot visually recall the day that I was taken from M's tummy through c-section (I did NOT want to come out...it was not an easy labour) however, I believe that I can recall this day physically, emotionally and mentally. On October 14, 1978, I was taken from M's womb, our cord that held us together was cut...and I have no idea what took place between that moment and the moment I was taken home from the agency on November 7, 1978. M never saw me - at all, this was her choice. I know that I was taken from the hospital nursery (the agency is actually confused about what specific day this was) to the agency nursery. I know that I was the only baby there in the nursery the day M came in to sign the final papers around November 6th (she did not want to see me at this time either). I don't know anything else. I know that I was examined by a doctor, who determined that I was "suitable for adoption" (this is actually quoted on my non-identifying info sheets that I got pulled from my files). I don't know anything else.

To be perfectly honest, it's almost as if I didn't even exist during those three weeks. I didn't even exist to my adoptive family (as far as my adoptive mother is concerned, my life began the day they took me home and I simply just didn't exist before that day). It feels a little bit like Alice in Wonderland. I was stuck in the in-between. I had one birth certificate that was issued on October 14th, with a specific number, the name my bmom gave to me and her name. I received a different certificate when my adoptive parents took me 'home', with a new number, my new name that they gave to me and their names. I was, kinda, born twice.

Yeah...take that in for a moment.

I do know that my life was forever changed...on October 14th (in good ways, too). I know there was pain...and I know that I felt it all in my little baby body...and have carried it my entire life. The people who say, "Well, you were an infant...a baby doesn't know anything...get over it," are ignorant. I was there.

I'm grateful for the life I was given. Please don't think I'm not. But, I wasn't just an infant who didn't experience all of this simply because I was an infant (and was completely helpless). I may not be able to visually recall this entire experience...but I certainly CAN remember it on a different level...seeing as I was at the very centre of all of this junk.

Why would I want a freaking cake and candles...to celebrate the day that my birthmother left me alone with strangers for three weeks, before I was handed over to other strangers and taken 'home' to be part of a ready-made family? Like, really?!

Part Two:

I still have mixed feelings about my birthday. About having a cake. Lighting candles. People singing to me. Blowing out the candles while making a wish for the next year of my life. Doing all of this in recognition of the day I was born.

I wonder if I would feel differently...about my birthday, had I not been adopted. Of course, I can't ever experience that. It's impossible. I'll forever be poked and prodded by people on the 14th of October, for the rest of my life. Often, by people who don't even know the significance that this date holds for me and the reasons of why.

I'm grateful for my life. I'm even grateful for the family I grew up in...despite some really difficult circumstances this brought into my life. I am grateful. I just wish this certain pain didn't gnaw at my heart and soul...every year, at the same time, on varying levels.

I think that this year is particularly difficult because of my recent attempts to have a relationship with my bfam. I've been thinking of my birthmother, non-stop. I've been thinking of all of them. Wondering if we'll forever be in this space where we can't seem to stay in a relationship for longer than a month at a time with each other. I wonder if one day...we'll just be IN each other's lives and just be 'ok' with it all. I wonder if my relationships with them will ever fall into a 'normal' category...where we get past the intense moments that make us all run in the opposite direction of the other and just be able to sit with each other in an easy silence. A silence where we don't always have to be on our toes...predicting what the other will say...and preparing for when the other proverbial shoe will drop.

Lord, I pray for this. Daily.

I know this is a two-way street. I know that it isn't all about me.

But, on my birthday...it IS all about me. I didn't have a choice...in any of the adoption matters when I was growing inside my bmom's tummy and when I was cut out and shipped off to a baby nursery...with strangers.

I do have a choice, today. At least about what I do with this day...this year.

I know that regardless of what I do with tomorrow, it's not going to change the fact that things are the way they are. It's not going to change the fact that I'm adopted and am not currently in relationship with any of my birthfamily. I know that my birthmother won't be far from my mind and heart, tomorrow. But, I can fill the day with other good stuff...and focus on the positive.

So, tomorrow I'm turning 31. It's my birthday. I'll be celebrating by getting a massage and then am heading out to dinner with some awesome gal pals that I absolutely adore (and who love me, and I mean really love me...I'm so blessed) and back to one of my pal's place for cheesecake.

(Homemade, cheesecake, mind you. My sweet pal, V, is basically the Canadian version of Martha Stewart.)

After some deep thought (and conversation with Sally and Victoria and reading Psalm 139 a few times - check it out...especially you adoptees who read this blog!) I've decided it's okay if you say Happy Birthday.

I know that I haven't blogged in weeks and there are many reasons for that - which I may, or may not, elaborate on, soon. Thank you for caring and checking in on me and looking for updates. Hugs to all of you - my faithful blog readers!