I am working on a few new blog entries, which will be titled:
- 3 am Friends
- Rod Stewart is my birthfather?
- Adoptive parents who rock
- The best & worst of 2009
- Living MY dash
Keep an eye out for 'em. Also keep an eye out for some new blogs that I'm going to be adding to my fave blog list! Well, the blogs themselves aren't new, but they are new to me.
If you're a regular reader of my blog...you'll be familiar with the name Kate - view her blog by clicking on Sweet Kate under my fave blogs list. Please continue to keep Kate and her family in your prayers. Also, tune into Dr. Phil tomorrow, because Kate will be on the show. Dr. Phil and Robin took a special trip just to meet Kate and her family...so, check it out!
I'll be updating regularly again very, very soon!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
An Ah-ha moment!
I love reading the comments left by my blog readers. I particularly love it when a new reader comments and then, I get to explore THEIR blog. It's like being give a key to open a window to someone's heart. Blogs can be very intimate. I love this.
So, I wandered on over to Isle Dance's blog. You can find the link to her blog by looking at the comments on my last blog entry - and clicking on her 'name'.
What caught my eye when I did go to her page, was the quote at the top of her blog. I love quotes. Like, really. I love quotes. Words. Answers.
This was the quote:
"There's an old saying that you can't have a war when one side doesn't show up. Be that side. Do what you have to to address the situation and then walk away from the drama. Not only do you give yourself (and the problem) the greatest chance for a successful outcome, more important, you protect your peace of mind – the most valuable gain of all." - Cheryl Richardson
This is exactly where I want to be - and NEED to be, in order to survive my on-going reunion with my bfam.
So, I wandered on over to Isle Dance's blog. You can find the link to her blog by looking at the comments on my last blog entry - and clicking on her 'name'.
What caught my eye when I did go to her page, was the quote at the top of her blog. I love quotes. Like, really. I love quotes. Words. Answers.
This was the quote:
"There's an old saying that you can't have a war when one side doesn't show up. Be that side. Do what you have to to address the situation and then walk away from the drama. Not only do you give yourself (and the problem) the greatest chance for a successful outcome, more important, you protect your peace of mind – the most valuable gain of all." - Cheryl Richardson
This is exactly where I want to be - and NEED to be, in order to survive my on-going reunion with my bfam.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
What's wrong with me?
(Note: I realize the typos in my last blog...but am not going to fix them.)
So, tonight I got an email. From my brother's birthmother (my older bro is adopted). I've written about her before...because I saw her back in - I don't know - June? Maybe?
And, I was just thinking to myself...it's sad. That my brother's birthmom wants to talk to me, know me and see me...more than my own stinking birthfamily. How crazy is that? And, the thing is...J GENUINELY wants to know me and see me. She doesn't drill me for info on my bro (who is not in relationship with her or any of his bfam) or my family...she just wants to know what I'm up to, how I'm doing and wants me to know how she is and what she's up to (and the rest of her fam).
Also, for reasons unknown, her contact...is healing and calming. Haven't figured out why...but it is. Thank the Lord.
Why doesn't my own birthfamily not want anything to do with me? None of them contact me on their own. Wendy emails me...but only when it will serve her to be in contact with me...and I don't feel her contact is genuine (ok, maybe it is...in a flakey-hot-pink-nails kinda way) and I mean, my birthmother and her family definitely want nada to do with me.
What did I do wrong? How come my life brings all of them such pain...and disgust...that they don't even want to know me? Their own blood? What's wrong with me? I get that I was/am a result of an affair between my bmom and bdad and they had an age difference of 16 years and she was married with kids, already. But, why is that MY prob? Why do I need to carry it for the rest of my life?
I just don't get it. I can't comprehend their thoughts/actions.
And, maybe more importantly...what the heck is wrong with THEM?!
So, tonight I got an email. From my brother's birthmother (my older bro is adopted). I've written about her before...because I saw her back in - I don't know - June? Maybe?
And, I was just thinking to myself...it's sad. That my brother's birthmom wants to talk to me, know me and see me...more than my own stinking birthfamily. How crazy is that? And, the thing is...J GENUINELY wants to know me and see me. She doesn't drill me for info on my bro (who is not in relationship with her or any of his bfam) or my family...she just wants to know what I'm up to, how I'm doing and wants me to know how she is and what she's up to (and the rest of her fam).
Also, for reasons unknown, her contact...is healing and calming. Haven't figured out why...but it is. Thank the Lord.
Why doesn't my own birthfamily not want anything to do with me? None of them contact me on their own. Wendy emails me...but only when it will serve her to be in contact with me...and I don't feel her contact is genuine (ok, maybe it is...in a flakey-hot-pink-nails kinda way) and I mean, my birthmother and her family definitely want nada to do with me.
What did I do wrong? How come my life brings all of them such pain...and disgust...that they don't even want to know me? Their own blood? What's wrong with me? I get that I was/am a result of an affair between my bmom and bdad and they had an age difference of 16 years and she was married with kids, already. But, why is that MY prob? Why do I need to carry it for the rest of my life?
I just don't get it. I can't comprehend their thoughts/actions.
And, maybe more importantly...what the heck is wrong with THEM?!
Monday, November 9, 2009
Flicks
So, I'm sitting here. Wanting to write...but not sure what to blog about! Sure, lots to share...but what do I REALLY wanna share?
Recent movies?
I saw Whip It, with my pal, Mar, a few weeks ago. I'd give it an 8.5 out of 10. I enjoy Ellen Page. I also was really inspired by the movie...because it really was about going for what you are passionate about. And, really, how many people get up every morning and are able to do something that they are PASSIONATE about? That's my goal. How to accomplish it? I've yet to figure that out.
I also saw The Stepfather, with my bff, Cornpop. I'd give it a 5 - and only because it did have some entertainment value. It was fake and cheesy from the very beginning, but it did entertain. I also enjoy Sela Ward. She has nice teeth. Don't be surprised to see a sequel for this one...because The Stepfather lived...apparently, after he fell through the attack and then off the top of the house.
On Saturday, I saw This Is It, with my younger cousin. She's a Michael Jackson mega-fan (she's almost 13 and didn't even listen to his music until after he died). I give this flick a 10. It's not a *movie*. It's not a chronicle of his life and/or death. It's not a documentary. It's hard to hit the nail on the head in explaining this flick.
While MJ was rehearsing for his upcoming tour, they were filming the entire thing...to document it. And, it left me feeling like I had the experience of seeing him in concert, witnessing his pure genuis as an entertainer and a very small glimpse of his passion and heart. It blew me away. It mentioned NOTHING of his passing. It was good. And, what was even more interesting...was that no one moved after it was over. While the credits rolled...everyone just sat there, in silence. As if they were tossing it around in their heads and hearts.
I give it two thumbs up.
Recent movies?
I saw Whip It, with my pal, Mar, a few weeks ago. I'd give it an 8.5 out of 10. I enjoy Ellen Page. I also was really inspired by the movie...because it really was about going for what you are passionate about. And, really, how many people get up every morning and are able to do something that they are PASSIONATE about? That's my goal. How to accomplish it? I've yet to figure that out.
I also saw The Stepfather, with my bff, Cornpop. I'd give it a 5 - and only because it did have some entertainment value. It was fake and cheesy from the very beginning, but it did entertain. I also enjoy Sela Ward. She has nice teeth. Don't be surprised to see a sequel for this one...because The Stepfather lived...apparently, after he fell through the attack and then off the top of the house.
On Saturday, I saw This Is It, with my younger cousin. She's a Michael Jackson mega-fan (she's almost 13 and didn't even listen to his music until after he died). I give this flick a 10. It's not a *movie*. It's not a chronicle of his life and/or death. It's not a documentary. It's hard to hit the nail on the head in explaining this flick.
While MJ was rehearsing for his upcoming tour, they were filming the entire thing...to document it. And, it left me feeling like I had the experience of seeing him in concert, witnessing his pure genuis as an entertainer and a very small glimpse of his passion and heart. It blew me away. It mentioned NOTHING of his passing. It was good. And, what was even more interesting...was that no one moved after it was over. While the credits rolled...everyone just sat there, in silence. As if they were tossing it around in their heads and hearts.
I give it two thumbs up.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
So, I replied and got a reply...
Ok, so I did respond to Wendy...she responded back to me...and again, me to her. Here's how it went. (Look to my previous blog entry to see her email to me...after disappearing for two months.)
Me to Wendy:
Yes, lots happening!
Last I heard from you, it was almost two months ago and you said you'd be in touch really soon, to let me know when you may have some time to get together. You were also going to let me know when I could come by to meet R, as well - never did hear back and couldn't understand why.
What is the business venture? My life is very full right now, but you said you'd love to talk about it, so feel free. I'm open to listening and giving it some thought.
Laurel
Wendy to me:
Two month ago! Oh my god I don’t believe it. We only saw R the night of our party. HE spent all his time with his son. He had some trouble with the law and R came home to appear in court with him and to spend some quality time. I was a little pissed at that but I knew that he had to spend his time with M. H got to see him a couple of times but I have no idea when.
My mother has been having a very hard time with her MS. Non stop, every day, something new. I have been examining a number of things that she may be able to take that her system won’t reject. I know an RN in *province* who had two weeks to live and she told me about this product. It has been sooo amazing for so many things that I am just blown away. My mother has experienced numerous things. Anyway if you get a chance to look it up, it is called Waiora. We also have a site that has real testimonies. This site is updated on a regular basis. This product is also guaranteed to work within one month or your money back. People would be stupid NOT to take this. The lady from *province* is Bev E. It has been a year now for her and just by telling others about the product, she has made 40,000. It is amazing and I know you will like it.
Me to Wendy:
I looked up Waiora - interesting. Seems like it's helped numerous folks! After reading, I'm not (personally) really interested in the product. But, I do hope it can help your mother (I'll continue to keep her in prayer, too)!
Laurel
I did not get a response back from her. I sent my last response on Wednesday afternoon.
So, here are some of my thoughts.
One, after researching this product, the deal is...people get $ from referring OTHERS to the product. Her second long paragraph with details on her mother, seriously looked, to me, like she copy and pasted it. Also, when she wanted to "partner" with me...last time I checked, she is flakey...but not mentally challenged (though you could argue she is) and why in the world would anyone want to PARTNER with someone who they don't get along with and/or have a stable relationship with. Y'know? So, my guess...is her business venture email, asking me to partner up, was a way of trying to get me to the product, so she could then cash in on refering me. I'm guessing she sent that email to everyone else in her address book.
Two, since July, when I saw Nana H and Wendy initiated contact by emailing me when she heard I was in town, I have asked Wendy if she could spare any time to hang and her first reaction was "I will let you know when I have time, really soon." That was back at the end of July. I since have, again, asked for time...to which she told me about their family reunion...and then just went AWOL and never responded to me at all. Here we are...in November...and I still haven't seen her. And, I wonder...is this just flakey Wendy, again? Or, again, is this relationship just *on* when she wants it to be. Sometimes...with my birthfamily...I've felt like a show-and-tell item. Ok...well, we have this relative that was given for adoption...and it's kinda cool to have her around sometimes...makes for a good conversation topic with friends, to say...oh yeah, well my hubby's brother gave his daughter up for adoption and she contacted us a few years back...etc.
Like, really. Wtf gives, people?
Three, Wendy goes MIA for two months...and then when she emails...she wants me to go into business with her? She never asked how I was. Never said, have you found a job? (She knew I was not employed back in the summer.) Never said...hey, I'll be in the city on *whatever day*, wanna go for lunch? Or, hey, I have like 2 hours free on Saturday...want to drive up for a quick lunch/tea?
It all really freaking sucks.
I haven't contacted her further. I felt like...if I did...I would do it out of anger and expectation. When I take action for those reasons...it NEVER works out. And, to be honest, Wendy is not necessarily mature and able to be an adult, if she hears something she doesn't like and/or feels attacked. I'll spare the details...but email is not a good venue to put your feelings out there - with her. Anyone else? Great. Wendy? Not so much.
Yesterday, I felt the need to email her to clarify and ask her...what is the deal? Do you not wanna see me? Is it too much? Are you putting it off? Is this a game to you? But again - it would have been for the same reasons as in the above paragraph.
So, my plan, is to email her, this coming week...if it sits right in my heart...and ask her - AGAIN - if she can figure out when she might have some free time to have a visit. And...it's my intention...to get together...and then I hope to talk some stuff out with her. Nothing big - I know she can't handle too much - but to get a general feeling about what she can offer and what she can't.
This may take some time, to send this email. I have a lot on my plate right now. One step at a time.
Me to Wendy:
Yes, lots happening!
Last I heard from you, it was almost two months ago and you said you'd be in touch really soon, to let me know when you may have some time to get together. You were also going to let me know when I could come by to meet R, as well - never did hear back and couldn't understand why.
What is the business venture? My life is very full right now, but you said you'd love to talk about it, so feel free. I'm open to listening and giving it some thought.
Laurel
Wendy to me:
Two month ago! Oh my god I don’t believe it. We only saw R the night of our party. HE spent all his time with his son. He had some trouble with the law and R came home to appear in court with him and to spend some quality time. I was a little pissed at that but I knew that he had to spend his time with M. H got to see him a couple of times but I have no idea when.
My mother has been having a very hard time with her MS. Non stop, every day, something new. I have been examining a number of things that she may be able to take that her system won’t reject. I know an RN in *province* who had two weeks to live and she told me about this product. It has been sooo amazing for so many things that I am just blown away. My mother has experienced numerous things. Anyway if you get a chance to look it up, it is called Waiora. We also have a site that has real testimonies. This site is updated on a regular basis. This product is also guaranteed to work within one month or your money back. People would be stupid NOT to take this. The lady from *province* is Bev E. It has been a year now for her and just by telling others about the product, she has made 40,000. It is amazing and I know you will like it.
Me to Wendy:
I looked up Waiora - interesting. Seems like it's helped numerous folks! After reading, I'm not (personally) really interested in the product. But, I do hope it can help your mother (I'll continue to keep her in prayer, too)!
Laurel
I did not get a response back from her. I sent my last response on Wednesday afternoon.
So, here are some of my thoughts.
One, after researching this product, the deal is...people get $ from referring OTHERS to the product. Her second long paragraph with details on her mother, seriously looked, to me, like she copy and pasted it. Also, when she wanted to "partner" with me...last time I checked, she is flakey...but not mentally challenged (though you could argue she is) and why in the world would anyone want to PARTNER with someone who they don't get along with and/or have a stable relationship with. Y'know? So, my guess...is her business venture email, asking me to partner up, was a way of trying to get me to the product, so she could then cash in on refering me. I'm guessing she sent that email to everyone else in her address book.
Two, since July, when I saw Nana H and Wendy initiated contact by emailing me when she heard I was in town, I have asked Wendy if she could spare any time to hang and her first reaction was "I will let you know when I have time, really soon." That was back at the end of July. I since have, again, asked for time...to which she told me about their family reunion...and then just went AWOL and never responded to me at all. Here we are...in November...and I still haven't seen her. And, I wonder...is this just flakey Wendy, again? Or, again, is this relationship just *on* when she wants it to be. Sometimes...with my birthfamily...I've felt like a show-and-tell item. Ok...well, we have this relative that was given for adoption...and it's kinda cool to have her around sometimes...makes for a good conversation topic with friends, to say...oh yeah, well my hubby's brother gave his daughter up for adoption and she contacted us a few years back...etc.
Like, really. Wtf gives, people?
Three, Wendy goes MIA for two months...and then when she emails...she wants me to go into business with her? She never asked how I was. Never said, have you found a job? (She knew I was not employed back in the summer.) Never said...hey, I'll be in the city on *whatever day*, wanna go for lunch? Or, hey, I have like 2 hours free on Saturday...want to drive up for a quick lunch/tea?
It all really freaking sucks.
I haven't contacted her further. I felt like...if I did...I would do it out of anger and expectation. When I take action for those reasons...it NEVER works out. And, to be honest, Wendy is not necessarily mature and able to be an adult, if she hears something she doesn't like and/or feels attacked. I'll spare the details...but email is not a good venue to put your feelings out there - with her. Anyone else? Great. Wendy? Not so much.
Yesterday, I felt the need to email her to clarify and ask her...what is the deal? Do you not wanna see me? Is it too much? Are you putting it off? Is this a game to you? But again - it would have been for the same reasons as in the above paragraph.
So, my plan, is to email her, this coming week...if it sits right in my heart...and ask her - AGAIN - if she can figure out when she might have some free time to have a visit. And...it's my intention...to get together...and then I hope to talk some stuff out with her. Nothing big - I know she can't handle too much - but to get a general feeling about what she can offer and what she can't.
This may take some time, to send this email. I have a lot on my plate right now. One step at a time.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Old Love
I had a dream last night about a friend - a guy friend - from high school. Mind you, I knew him after high school...did a year in university with him and still see him around from time to time. I had a dream about him last night and the entire day, he's been on my mind and I wondered...what could have been, between us.
T and I clicked immediately. We became fast friends, first. He was funny...I was funny and when we were together, we were always in tears from laughter and having fun. We hung out. Danced. Went to the mall. Drove around the local streets (once we got our licenses!) until our curfew came in the night. Ate...a lot. Went to movies. Talked about life issues. We were good friends. I cared about him and he cared about me.
The problem? And, perhaps why we aren't together today...is because of his culture. His family is Indian and his parents are from India. Needless to say, I was not his mother's dream girl that she pictured her son with. She (and his father) wanted an arranged marriage with an indian girl. T wasn't so sure he wanted that, but followed his mother's rules.
I remember, one time in high school, we went out for coffee one evening and he handed me a letter. It was a love letter. He told me he had deep feelings for me and thought that we might be meant to be. More than friends. Perhaps even soulmates. To be honest...I felt the exact same way. But, at the time, I told T that his mother would never approve, so why would we even go 'there'? So, we didn't. But, we continued to be best buddies and although I took a date to my senior prom (and he went as a date for my best friend), we spent most of the evening dancing, kidding around and might as well have been each other's date.
Two years ago, T called me outta the blue. We hadn't seen one another for a few years...just kinda drifted apart. And, so we went to lunch. As soon as I saw him...the feelings just came over me like a wave and I was filled with longing to just wrap my arms around him and tell him all of what had happened in my life over those three years. I wanted to. I knew in my heart we'd be a great couple. I knew that he felt the same way.
I asked T, during lunch...if he thought we should give it a try. He said he'd thought of it over the years...numerous times...but that he invited me to lunch for a reason. A big one.
His parents, just a month prior, decided on a girl for him to marry. T said that he didn't agree with it...but felt the need to follow the tradition of his culture and parents urging. My heart broke...although I understood. I didn't necessarily agree with an arranged marriage, but I understood.
The worst part? Is that he told me he still had feelings for me. And, he wished that he didn't have to wed a girl that he never even knew and didn't know if he'd like her. But, he was hoping she would grow on him...and that they COULD fall in love and be life partners forever.
Oh, how I wish things were different. If T showed up at my door tonight, I'd welcome him in with open arms. I loved him then. I still love him, today.
I saw T, and his wife, at the mall last Christmas. I could tell in his eyes...that he still loved me...and I still loved him. But, I also could see that his wife is beautiful, clearly very smart (he's a doctor, himself) and that she loved him. Or, at least she looked like she did.
He deserves to be loved. And, I haven't talked to him since...but I truly do wish him and his sweet wife...a happy and blessed life.
But, it's interesting...to go back...to wonder 'what if' and wonder what could have been. I can't go back. Neither can he. However, last night's dream left me missing him, feeling slightly empty...and wondering if we could have ever made a go of it.
'It' being a life. Together.
T and I clicked immediately. We became fast friends, first. He was funny...I was funny and when we were together, we were always in tears from laughter and having fun. We hung out. Danced. Went to the mall. Drove around the local streets (once we got our licenses!) until our curfew came in the night. Ate...a lot. Went to movies. Talked about life issues. We were good friends. I cared about him and he cared about me.
The problem? And, perhaps why we aren't together today...is because of his culture. His family is Indian and his parents are from India. Needless to say, I was not his mother's dream girl that she pictured her son with. She (and his father) wanted an arranged marriage with an indian girl. T wasn't so sure he wanted that, but followed his mother's rules.
I remember, one time in high school, we went out for coffee one evening and he handed me a letter. It was a love letter. He told me he had deep feelings for me and thought that we might be meant to be. More than friends. Perhaps even soulmates. To be honest...I felt the exact same way. But, at the time, I told T that his mother would never approve, so why would we even go 'there'? So, we didn't. But, we continued to be best buddies and although I took a date to my senior prom (and he went as a date for my best friend), we spent most of the evening dancing, kidding around and might as well have been each other's date.
Two years ago, T called me outta the blue. We hadn't seen one another for a few years...just kinda drifted apart. And, so we went to lunch. As soon as I saw him...the feelings just came over me like a wave and I was filled with longing to just wrap my arms around him and tell him all of what had happened in my life over those three years. I wanted to. I knew in my heart we'd be a great couple. I knew that he felt the same way.
I asked T, during lunch...if he thought we should give it a try. He said he'd thought of it over the years...numerous times...but that he invited me to lunch for a reason. A big one.
His parents, just a month prior, decided on a girl for him to marry. T said that he didn't agree with it...but felt the need to follow the tradition of his culture and parents urging. My heart broke...although I understood. I didn't necessarily agree with an arranged marriage, but I understood.
The worst part? Is that he told me he still had feelings for me. And, he wished that he didn't have to wed a girl that he never even knew and didn't know if he'd like her. But, he was hoping she would grow on him...and that they COULD fall in love and be life partners forever.
Oh, how I wish things were different. If T showed up at my door tonight, I'd welcome him in with open arms. I loved him then. I still love him, today.
I saw T, and his wife, at the mall last Christmas. I could tell in his eyes...that he still loved me...and I still loved him. But, I also could see that his wife is beautiful, clearly very smart (he's a doctor, himself) and that she loved him. Or, at least she looked like she did.
He deserves to be loved. And, I haven't talked to him since...but I truly do wish him and his sweet wife...a happy and blessed life.
But, it's interesting...to go back...to wonder 'what if' and wonder what could have been. I can't go back. Neither can he. However, last night's dream left me missing him, feeling slightly empty...and wondering if we could have ever made a go of it.
'It' being a life. Together.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Business venture...huh?
I had a procedure done yesterday. I was napping on my couch in the afternoon for a couple of hours, tired from the meds and everything. When I woke - in the middle of Dr. Phil, mind you - I picked up my Blackberry and had a couple of texts and a few emails. Guess who two of the emails were from?
C'mon...guess!
Wendy.
The first was a forward about H1N1. I didn't even read it.
The second? It said this:
Sorry I have not been in contact with you. Bad excuse but a lot of things happening. I have been working on a business venture and would really like YOU to partner with ME. Love to talk about it.
Ummm...excuse me?
She apparently has had so much happening that she couldn't send me off an email, or follow through on what she offered in her last email...for two months? Two months.
But...let's talk about the other issue... A business venture?! I laughed out loud. I am still giggling about it. Why in the world...would she want to partner with me? Someone who she's had a tumultuous (sp?) relationship with from the very beginning of when we met? We haven't seen one another in almost three years, let alone talked. Umm, can you say risky? The girl can't even keep her word on something small (and some things large). Why the heck would I wanna risk being involved in a business venture with HER?
I kinda wonder if it's just a ploy to get me to respond. Notice that she never addressed when she'd have time to hang out or the fact that she promised to arrange a meeting with my uncle...2 months ago...and never followed up whatsoever, in any way.
I haven't responded. Dunno when I will.
C'mon...guess!
Wendy.
The first was a forward about H1N1. I didn't even read it.
The second? It said this:
Sorry I have not been in contact with you. Bad excuse but a lot of things happening. I have been working on a business venture and would really like YOU to partner with ME. Love to talk about it.
Ummm...excuse me?
She apparently has had so much happening that she couldn't send me off an email, or follow through on what she offered in her last email...for two months? Two months.
But...let's talk about the other issue... A business venture?! I laughed out loud. I am still giggling about it. Why in the world...would she want to partner with me? Someone who she's had a tumultuous (sp?) relationship with from the very beginning of when we met? We haven't seen one another in almost three years, let alone talked. Umm, can you say risky? The girl can't even keep her word on something small (and some things large). Why the heck would I wanna risk being involved in a business venture with HER?
I kinda wonder if it's just a ploy to get me to respond. Notice that she never addressed when she'd have time to hang out or the fact that she promised to arrange a meeting with my uncle...2 months ago...and never followed up whatsoever, in any way.
I haven't responded. Dunno when I will.
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