Difficult Relationships

My life seems to be moving full speed ahead in 2009. It’s chaotic…it’s full and for the most part, it’s pretty darn good.

There IS something that has popped up again and I’m unsure how to approach it. How to tackle it. How to invest in it – or if I shouldn’t. It’s a matter of the heart, so right there, it’s not easy to walk away. It’s not easy to step away from, or let go of, something I’ve invested years in. Someone I’ve invested time in, love in, hope in, courage in…someone important to me.

I met A when I was in grade 12. We met through a friend of hers, who was a teacher of mine.

I loved A from the moment I laid eyes on her. I’m unsure what it was…but we just clicked. I think we had come from some experiences in our lives that were similar. Also, I’m often drawn to those who are ‘broken’, because I was broken myself at that time. (And when I say broken…I just mean struggling…trying to heal…etc.) And A was certainly broken at that time. She was also quite a bit older than I was and I admired her strength.

I began to sit for A’s amazing babies (who were just little way back then!) and spent more and more time at her place. I loved her kids and I loved her. I enjoyed her and I also enjoyed how she encouraged me to talk about my issues…which was difficult. I am not an easy talker, but she tried…and she’d get out a piece here and there. She became a big sister to me…and sometimes a ‘mother’ of sorts.

Over the next 10 years, A and I struggled in our relationship. We were in each other’s lives and then we were not. We got along and then we didn’t. We parted and then got back together. She hurt me and I’m positive I hurt her as well. Needless to say, we were either very close…or very not.

About two years ago, I contacted her again. I missed her. I missed everything about her. And, I was in a different place in my life. Despite our up’s and down’s, we had (and have) this inexplicable connection that always seems to keep drawing us together. It’s always been very clear that we love each other deeply. I love her like I love my (birthfamily) sister that I’m not in relationship with. It’s that same almost primal connection.

A and I met and decided to give it another go. We’d both been through a lot and had grown a lot and healed a lot. It was difficult work. In fact, it took months to build up our relationship again to a point where we could trust each other. Because of my own personal issues (which don’t belong to her), I tend to be very hesitant about letting people ‘in’ if I think they might leave. So, for me…it felt like I needed to be very watchful to see if there was a chance we’d break up again. I didn’t want to lose her again.

My relationship with A has absolutely been one of the most difficult relationships of my entire life. But, it has also been one of the most amazing and life-giving relationships of my entire life.

I adore this woman. She knows stuff about me that no one else knows. A has seen me at my worst and loved me anyway (in between breaks). I’ve seen parts of her life that no one else has. And I love her despite any difficult moments we’ve had.

I want to be able to trust our relationship. To trust that it’s ok if we argue. That it’s ok if we say things the other doesn’t want to hear. That it’s ok if we do things that the other doesn’t necessarily agree with. That it’s ok and safe…for us to be who we are and wherever we are…because ‘US’ will still be there when everything else is gone. That no one has to ‘leave’. If everything else was taken away in our lives…that we’d still be secure. That we’d still be connected and could still turn to one another for support and love.

I want A in my life. I need her in my life. I don’t want her because I need her. I need her because I want her. There is a difference. When we’re not ‘together’, I miss her terribly and I miss her family terribly.

We bumped heads back in December and didn’t really communicate again until earlier this week. A asked me if I’d be willing to sit down and talk about our last conversation. I’m hesitant to do so…for reasons that I can’t get into right now.

I’m praying for some clarity. I’m praying for healing, for both of us. I’m praying that if we do sit down and talk, that the outcome will be positive and that we will be closer because of it. I don’t believe that anything is not fixable when two people are willing to try for the same goal and the situation is ultimately rooted in love.

I truly believe that God is great and that He places people in our lives that will challenge us and test our character. People that will raise the bar of who we are and the choices we make.

I don’t know what to do, think or say about this situation right now. So, I’m giving it back to God for the next few days…because He can heal and fix anything.

And, hopefully He’ll hand me some clarity, too.

New digs!

So...yes, I'm 30 and still live at home with the 'rents...however, that's all changing!

I just got my own first pad today. Well, I need to sign the lease later this week...but a verbal agreement is holding the place as mine. It's exciting...and kinda scary!

It's a one bedroom condo - that I will be renting from the owner who is moving to a different condo in the same building. It's kinda cute. The colours are good and they just had new flooring put in less than a year ago. I'm not all that fond of the bathroom, but I think once I fix it up a bit, it'll grow on me.

The new pad is mine on the first of February, but I'll be moving in over a couple of weeks, at least. I have a lot of stuff (read: barely any furniture yet!) in storage in various relative's attics, so I'm gonna go slow, make it my own comfy place...and hopefully I'll adjust and feel comfy.

Yay for new digs in 2009!

I wish you were here, too...

On my recent business trip to NC, while passing through the Toronto airport, I got the news that Debi had passed away.

I hadn't seen her since August of 2005 and had not spoken with her - really - in quite awhile.

Her obituary was simple and generic. Her name. Age. Hometown. The names of those she is survived, and pre-deceased, by. Followed by a brief 16 words from the Bible.

Not that all of the above is not true...it is all true. However, it doesn't capture the spirit and soul of this amazing woman who was probably one of the strongest and most unique people I had the privilege of experiencing. It didn't capture her girls who adored her. It didn't capture the love she shared with her hubby. It didn't give any inkling (to the reader) of what she was...who she was...of the Debi the world has lost.

I would add to the generic description of her 36 years on the earth; so very much!

Debi was a soft-spoken, gentle, compassionate, giving, intelligent and extremely patient woman. And, man, she packed a lot into her short time on this earth. She held so much courage and strength which is why she sailed through so many difficult circumstances with ease and perseverance.

Diagnosed with terminal cancer over 10 years ago, she was on her death-bed more than once. She paid no attention to the physician imposed suggested time she had left to live. Debi rallied over and over again...not ready to give up...and certainly not ready to leave her hubby and girls.

Deb had the ability to take any difficult circumstance, break it apart and make it better. She loved her small circle of family and friends. Her own family - hubby and two girls - were the most important part of her life. And, she made a fantastic mother. Her girls meant the world to her...and they adored her in return.

As she became more ill, I would travel to Oregon to spend time with her, the hubby and her girls. We spent HOURS sitting on the couch, cuddled under blankets, holding hands and talking about everything under the sun. Some conversations brought tears and hugs, while others brought hysterical laughter with snorts and many brought her loving and supportive advice.

During our last visit...the cancer was beginning to take over. She would spend more time napping, needing a higher dose of meds to manage her pain and our outings to Wal-Mart were scaled down to very short visits. We spent more time in the cancer clinic, while she would receive meds through her chest port and less watching movies. Her pain was evident on her pale face...but through it...she would always smile. She never lost the sparkle in her sweet eyes.

The last words we spoke face to face...and on the phone, were, "I love you."

Even though we drifted...my world feels different knowing that she's no longer physically on this earth. A sadness has settled into my heart since I heard the news. I wrap myself a little bit tighter in her blanket that she stuck into my suitcase before I got on a plane after one of my visits there.

I've been 'asking' Debi for a sign today...of what, I'm not sure, but then I heard this song (below). Pay no attention to the video...but to the words. The song is by Mark Harris. Beautiful.

Love you, still, Debbers.

Click here to hear/see video ---> Wish You Were Here

It's 2009!

I wish that my first post in 2009 would be filled with positive thoughts. I suppose some of this will be positive (depending on how you look at it), but I have a heavy heart right now. In fact, I'm filled with anxiety and the feeling that I'm not prepared whatsoever. What am I supposed to be prepared for? I have no idea. I just feel unprepared...for whatever is coming.

I rang in 2009 with a strept throat, ear infection and bladder infection and a tummy full of Tylenol and antibiotics. I am still quite sick and trying desperately to get better as quickly as possible. My vacation is over on Monday and I'm travelling to the US for business on Wednesday.

I'm also full of emotions about my birthmother, birthfamily and adoption stuff. I'm quite surprised that M hasn't contacted me. I thought for sure that she would call or write, to apologize and to ask for a meeting. She has not. Which adds a whole different dimension to my feelings. This is permanent. M really does not want me in her life.

It is sitting inside of my heart...my head...my throat. This big ball of crap that I've been carrying around for 30 years. And, now what? I have no idea. This is new ground for me...and it's uncomfortable. It hurts. It's confusing. And, it's mine.

I don't know where to go from here. I'm not sure that I want to let go of the dreams...the fantasies...the hopes, needs and wants. Yet, in order to move on...to be bigger...and better...stronger and healthier...I MUST be willing to start letting go.

It reminds me a bit of the movie 'Sleeping With The Enemy'. When Julia Roberts' character decides that she must leave her abusive husband in order to begin a new life (and stay alive!), she fakes her own death, falling overboard from a boat in a storm. Her hubby knew that she could not swim (but she had secretly been taking lessons at a local pool) and that when her life-jacket was seen floating around, he assumed she had drowned. What really happened was that she jumped overboard...held on to a buoy and swam for her life to the shore, gathered her small package of belongings and left for a new life.

Ok...so, really, my adoption stuff is so NOT that dramatic...but stay with me here.

Making the choice to leave everything you know, takes courage. The choice can often seem like you're jumping overboard from all that you know. And then you need to make the choice to grab on to something to hold you up. And then? You can hold on 'til you drown...or you can risk letting go and swim ashore.

This adoption chaos has been such a huge part of my life since I was young and it is difficult for me to jump off the adoption boat - all that I know adoption to be - and consider leaving it...swimming to shore and walking on solid ground. Is there hesitancy on my part to do this? Absolutely. Because it is something I don't know. I am completely filled with fear.

However, I'm not spending another 30 years on this boat.

Rhonda Britten says, "Becoming true to your best self takes courage, because each day you must be willing to be wrong about everything, to feel right about you for the rest of your life. Each day you must be willing to give up all you know, to find out more of what you don't. It's exhilarating, scary and enlightening."

In 2009, I'm believing in my courage and ability to jump ship on anything (and anyone) that does not bring me alive. I'm believing in growth, happiness, love, contentment, fearlessness and amazing experiences.

Above all else - I'm believing in healing.