...I dunno what. But, dude, I'm sick.
I just wanted y'all to know that I have about five blog entries written in my head about:
1. Therapy appointment last Thursday that went terribly bad...
2. Contact with my brother's birthmother (no relation)
3. Adoption forums and why they drive me bonkers (thanks to Margie!) :o)
4. Fear, fear, fear and how it can suck the life out of you
5. General life stuff
Check back soon for elaboration on the above...but for now, I'm heading back to my bed.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
It's messy...
Earlier this week, I was chattin’ it up with my buddy Tor, (check her out over on Living the Dash under ‘My Favourite Blogs’ on this page) about various adoption issues and whatever else was on our minds. I enjoy our chats. A lot. There’s this level of understanding with adoptees, which is a bit of a relief when you are talking about adoption issues, because you don’t have to explain WHY you feel a certain way.
Anyhoo…she mentioned a made for tv movie that she had recently watched on YouTube, about a teenager who had a baby at 16. Basically…in short…she had the baby and her mother took the baby on as her own child…they moved and kept up the lie…but of course, it all came out in the wash. In the end, this young woman gives up her 5 month (or so?) old baby for adoption.
Last night, I went home…fed my pets…got into my pj’s…and sat down with my lap top to watch the flick. Immediately…I recognized the hallways of the ‘high school’ as being my old college. Then I recognized some of the extras/people in it and I recognized the coffee shop, the boyfriends (father of the baby) ‘college’ (which is a university here) and numerous other scenes. The flick had been shot in my city.
But wait, it gets better!!!
The movie on YouTube is in 10 parts…and in Part 8, there is a scene that starts out at the boyfriends ‘college’ and then scans across campus with a shot of a white house/building in the distance. The young mother can then be seen sitting on the front steps of this white house/building. The shot goes on and the boyfriend goes ‘home’ (this white house/building) with a friend…and finds the young mother sitting on the steps, waiting to talk to him. The friend he is with is told to go inside for a minute while he talks to the young mother. The shot goes up the stairs to reveal the front of this house (and supposed apartment building).
Ok, I know you’re thinking…so what?!
So what?!?!?!
THIS white house/building…is the adoption agency where I was adopted from!!! It’s where my birthmother lived for the month before she had me. It’s where my parents went to pick me up. It’s where I lived for the first three and a half weeks of life! It’s where my Sally worked as a social worker for 19 years!!!
It was so bizarre to me…that it was an adoption movie…and they chose that building? I know it’s not a big deal…but it just hit me in the weirdest way.
I wish that my birthmother had been ‘too young’ to raise me. I wish that she was a teenager and her parents pushed her to give her child away…so that she could have a life. I wish that the reason I was adopted…was because she was just too young to keep me. I wish that was her reason for placing me.
But, it’s not.
My birthmother placed me – and I know that this isn’t completely true, but this is where I am right now – because she was married. She was almost 37 years old and had an affair. She already had two children. She had a difficult marriage…so she had an affair with my birthfather, who was 20 years old and staying in her house (the reason for him staying there has never been clear, many scenarios have been told to me). She chose not to keep me…when she had the means TO keep me. Her husband, upon finding out, even said to her, “let’s keep this baby and raise it as if it were ours…we’ll work this out.”
For some reason, I feel like adoption would be easier to swallow had she just been unable to raise me…because she was too young…no money…pressure from her parents/society…or whatever. Instead…I feel like she placed me because she wanted a life with her hubby and children, more than she wanted me.
And, when I found her…she made that same decision, all over again.
That leaves me where?
Lost…
In this seemingly never-ending mess called adoption.
Anyhoo…she mentioned a made for tv movie that she had recently watched on YouTube, about a teenager who had a baby at 16. Basically…in short…she had the baby and her mother took the baby on as her own child…they moved and kept up the lie…but of course, it all came out in the wash. In the end, this young woman gives up her 5 month (or so?) old baby for adoption.
Last night, I went home…fed my pets…got into my pj’s…and sat down with my lap top to watch the flick. Immediately…I recognized the hallways of the ‘high school’ as being my old college. Then I recognized some of the extras/people in it and I recognized the coffee shop, the boyfriends (father of the baby) ‘college’ (which is a university here) and numerous other scenes. The flick had been shot in my city.
But wait, it gets better!!!
The movie on YouTube is in 10 parts…and in Part 8, there is a scene that starts out at the boyfriends ‘college’ and then scans across campus with a shot of a white house/building in the distance. The young mother can then be seen sitting on the front steps of this white house/building. The shot goes on and the boyfriend goes ‘home’ (this white house/building) with a friend…and finds the young mother sitting on the steps, waiting to talk to him. The friend he is with is told to go inside for a minute while he talks to the young mother. The shot goes up the stairs to reveal the front of this house (and supposed apartment building).
Ok, I know you’re thinking…so what?!
So what?!?!?!
THIS white house/building…is the adoption agency where I was adopted from!!! It’s where my birthmother lived for the month before she had me. It’s where my parents went to pick me up. It’s where I lived for the first three and a half weeks of life! It’s where my Sally worked as a social worker for 19 years!!!
It was so bizarre to me…that it was an adoption movie…and they chose that building? I know it’s not a big deal…but it just hit me in the weirdest way.
I wish that my birthmother had been ‘too young’ to raise me. I wish that she was a teenager and her parents pushed her to give her child away…so that she could have a life. I wish that the reason I was adopted…was because she was just too young to keep me. I wish that was her reason for placing me.
But, it’s not.
My birthmother placed me – and I know that this isn’t completely true, but this is where I am right now – because she was married. She was almost 37 years old and had an affair. She already had two children. She had a difficult marriage…so she had an affair with my birthfather, who was 20 years old and staying in her house (the reason for him staying there has never been clear, many scenarios have been told to me). She chose not to keep me…when she had the means TO keep me. Her husband, upon finding out, even said to her, “let’s keep this baby and raise it as if it were ours…we’ll work this out.”
For some reason, I feel like adoption would be easier to swallow had she just been unable to raise me…because she was too young…no money…pressure from her parents/society…or whatever. Instead…I feel like she placed me because she wanted a life with her hubby and children, more than she wanted me.
And, when I found her…she made that same decision, all over again.
That leaves me where?
Lost…
In this seemingly never-ending mess called adoption.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Adoption ignorance...
I had to give myself some time and space before I wrote this post.
Why? Well, you’ll read for yourself. And, if you’re anything like me…you’re gonna say (or at least THINK), “WTF?” I shared some of this with my buddy Tor, who had the same reaction I did…so here goes!
Last Saturday evening I attended a get together for a young adults (mid 20’s to mid 30’s) group through my church. We get together at least once a month as a group and sometimes have a girl’s night or craft night, guy’s night, etc. in between the group get togethers. We eat awesome desserts, chat, share how we’re doing, spend some time in prayer and just generally hang out and have fun. Really awesome people!
There is a girl in the group (who I will refer to as ‘Girl’) who is very talkative. Not only is she talkative, but she also has an opinion on everything. Not only does she have an opinion on everything (I mean EVERYTHING), but her opinion is right. And, she knows everything – at least she thinks she does. She dominates the conversation wherever she is and whatever the topic is. Looking for a new hairstyle? She could tell you what it would be. Have a life problem? She has one similar (or worse) and knows the solution to it. It goes on and on…
Granted, she’s a nice girl…she’s friendly, seems to be a giving person…but, frankly – and please forgive me, Lord – she’s an annoying know-it-all. And on top of that – she’s ignorant, judgemental, selfish and insensitive (and many other words). Yes…that’s a judgement of her, on my part. Is it right? I dunno…but it feels right, because of our interaction and conversation.
My friend, V, was hosting the get together – along with her hubby. I adore them both…they have been so amazing to me. They adopted their daughter over a year ago (she was 10 months at the time) from China – she’s now two years old. They are awesome parents…very open about adoption…they have pictures from China that they took, framed and up in their living room. They want to adopt again from China…and they are more than willing to make a trip back to China when their daughter is older…and are just very open to any issues she may have, as an adoptee. V knows that I am adopted and knows some of my issues and experiences as an adoptee. I love talking to her about adoption.
So…Girl (who is single and in her late 20’s) informs us that she was going to begin classes this week so that she could become a foster mother and take children into her house (with the prospect of adopting them). Great! There are many children in need of a loving, nurturing and safe environment, and even better that she’s interested in adopting them…so that they’ll have a ‘forever’ home.
Then…comes out, “But once the child is mine, it’s MINE, not anyone else’s child and the birthfamily won’t be influencing me on how I raise the child.” As soon as she said, it, V looked at me…and then said something similar to, “Girl…Laurel is adopted, did you know?” I said, “Girl, do you realize the connection between a child and his or her birthfamily?” Then it started about a 25 minute very heated conversation! Here’s the jist of it…
Girl: Well, the birthparent didn’t want the kid to begin with, so it would be my kid.
Me: How do you know that the birthparent DIDN’T WANT the kid? It’s not always a decision of ‘want’ where adoption is concerned and/or kids in foster care…no one WANTS that to happen.
Girl: A child placed for adoption is done so because the parent doesn’t want it. And a kid in foster care is there ‘cuz they have crappy parents and were taken away.
Me: I don’t agree that a child is always placed for adoption because the parent doesn’t want it. Often, it’s done because there is no other choice…for whatever reason.
Girl: Well, I don’t want my child going to see another family when the child is mine. I don’t want the child coming back with different morals and beliefs and goodness knows what else.
Me: How do you know that the biological family wouldn’t have the same morals and beliefs as you, and still not be able to raise their kid for various reasons.
Girl: The kid is mine. I don’t want my kid to come back being told God isn’t real and coming back with scabies.
At this point, V piped in and said…whoa…this is getting heated. Girl’s face was getting red. On the inside…I felt shakey and on the verge of a) bursting into tears because this girl doesn’t CARE what my experience has been and is not open to even considering her potential kid’s needs and feelings b) getting up and leaving or c) calling Girl stupid, dumb and ignorant.
Me: So, you’re saying that if you allowed your child to visit and see their biological family and/or have an open adoption situation, that the birthfamily would send your child home with scabies? Did I just hear you correctly?
Girl: Well, I’ve heard of it before. Plus, they didn’t want the kid. That kid is mine. Especially if the kid is around 2 or younger, they won’t even remember their family. They could have access to them when they are of age, if that’s what they want. I am the mother…not the family that gave them away.
Me: I think you’re going way overboard and into panic zone saying that your potential child’s birthfamily would send the child home with scabies…are you kidding me?
Girl: It’s happened before, I’ve heard of it. I don’t want my kid being told God doesn’t exist. I don’t want my kid coming home saying to me that I am not their mother.
At this point…she goes on and on about her adopted kid being hers, not wanting an open adoption or visitation with the bio family because they will hurt the child physically, emotionally, mentally and in any other possible way. She said that she doesn’t want her child taking on the morals of their bio family. In short, she said that children don’t need their bio family and any connection is just made up. A child won’t remember their birthfamily…and what they don’t know, basically won’t hurt them.
I was SHOCKED. I was DISGUSTED. I was ANGRY. Man, I was wicked mad…but I tried to keep my calm. She just went on and on and on.
Me: Girl, can I offer you something? If you’ll give me a chance to speak, from experience?
Girl: Yes.
She said yes (which I wanted her to say so that when she went to throw it back at me that I could say…I asked you and you said yes you’d listen) but I could tell she’d already dismissed my thoughts and feelings…and experiences.
Me: I am telling you…from being adopted…from talking to adoptees and biological relatives of adoptees…there will ALWAYS be a connection between a person and their biological family. BECAUSE, it’s biological. A child doesn’t just forget about the genetic connection. Even if they have no interest in contact…the connection is there. I spent 9 months inside of my birthmother’s body. I was IN her. I was PART of her. I had siblings. I had relatives. I had her.
Girl: But a kid can’t remember that…that’s silly…
Me: I am telling you….I remember it all.
Girl: I don’t believe you.
Me: Don’t you take away my right to have my own feelings and experiences…when you have no experience in adoption whatsoever. I remember it with every fibre of my being.
Girl: *scoffs*
Me: My heart and soul remember every minute of my time inside my birthmother’s womb… I remember our immediate separation…I remember not being placed in HER arms, and instead, placed in a bassinette…with no one touching my face…kissing me…hugging me…loving on me.
Girl: Well, I don’t believe anyone remembers.
Me: I remember…I remember it all…so maybe you want to open up your mind a bit…let go of this irrational anger and judgement you have and consider the feelings of your potential children and the connection they will ALWAYS have with their biological family – good or bad.
Girl was ANNOYED with me. V was still sitting beside me…watching the convo (while everyone else was chatting with themselves…). Our convo was not with raised voices…although I wasn’t backing down…or letting this ignorant person tell ME what adoption is like…stupid know-it-all.
Me: I remember spending the first three and a half weeks of life alone in a bassinette. Every ounce of me remembers it. I really think that you need to read up on adoption…and consider for a minute that your child has a genetic connection to a mother, father, siblings and numerous other relatives…and that THAT connection doesn’t have to be bad. How can a child have too much love?!?!?!
Girl: I don’t want my child thinking someone else is their parent.
Me: You’re missing my point. A child can’t have too much love. And who’s to say that your child won’t have a birthfamily full of Christians? Who’s to say that your child’s birthmother or father made some bad choices…but are really good people? They could be an awesome connection for your child.
Girl: But they didn’t want the kid.
Me: They could have wanted the child with every ounce of themselves…but could have been not ready to take care of the child…and adoption was the best choice to make. No one places a kid for adoption (most times) because they WANT to. They HAVE to make that choice.
Girl said she didn’t want to talk anymore.
Man…I am STILL frustrated at her complete ignorance.
I was surprised at myself…in one way. How much I was advocating open adoption (which, I do believe…in the right circumstances…is always, always better for the child) and on the defense of the birthfamily. It should be clear that my relationship with my birthfamily is so very rough. It’s always been. But, I truly believe that contact with the birthfamily, where safe and beneficial, is always the best choice. And, just because a mother needs to make that decision to place their child…doesn’t make them less of a person or a mother…because of the decision. It’s absurd to paint birthmothers with this terrible brush. Seriously?! It made me sick.
I hope I made her think. I pray that she’ll set aside her own agenda and take on the one that was truly meant for her and the children that make their way into her life.
I haven’t spoken with someone like Girl, about adoption…in a very long time, if ever.
Talk about frustrating…
Why? Well, you’ll read for yourself. And, if you’re anything like me…you’re gonna say (or at least THINK), “WTF?” I shared some of this with my buddy Tor, who had the same reaction I did…so here goes!
Last Saturday evening I attended a get together for a young adults (mid 20’s to mid 30’s) group through my church. We get together at least once a month as a group and sometimes have a girl’s night or craft night, guy’s night, etc. in between the group get togethers. We eat awesome desserts, chat, share how we’re doing, spend some time in prayer and just generally hang out and have fun. Really awesome people!
There is a girl in the group (who I will refer to as ‘Girl’) who is very talkative. Not only is she talkative, but she also has an opinion on everything. Not only does she have an opinion on everything (I mean EVERYTHING), but her opinion is right. And, she knows everything – at least she thinks she does. She dominates the conversation wherever she is and whatever the topic is. Looking for a new hairstyle? She could tell you what it would be. Have a life problem? She has one similar (or worse) and knows the solution to it. It goes on and on…
Granted, she’s a nice girl…she’s friendly, seems to be a giving person…but, frankly – and please forgive me, Lord – she’s an annoying know-it-all. And on top of that – she’s ignorant, judgemental, selfish and insensitive (and many other words). Yes…that’s a judgement of her, on my part. Is it right? I dunno…but it feels right, because of our interaction and conversation.
My friend, V, was hosting the get together – along with her hubby. I adore them both…they have been so amazing to me. They adopted their daughter over a year ago (she was 10 months at the time) from China – she’s now two years old. They are awesome parents…very open about adoption…they have pictures from China that they took, framed and up in their living room. They want to adopt again from China…and they are more than willing to make a trip back to China when their daughter is older…and are just very open to any issues she may have, as an adoptee. V knows that I am adopted and knows some of my issues and experiences as an adoptee. I love talking to her about adoption.
So…Girl (who is single and in her late 20’s) informs us that she was going to begin classes this week so that she could become a foster mother and take children into her house (with the prospect of adopting them). Great! There are many children in need of a loving, nurturing and safe environment, and even better that she’s interested in adopting them…so that they’ll have a ‘forever’ home.
Then…comes out, “But once the child is mine, it’s MINE, not anyone else’s child and the birthfamily won’t be influencing me on how I raise the child.” As soon as she said, it, V looked at me…and then said something similar to, “Girl…Laurel is adopted, did you know?” I said, “Girl, do you realize the connection between a child and his or her birthfamily?” Then it started about a 25 minute very heated conversation! Here’s the jist of it…
Girl: Well, the birthparent didn’t want the kid to begin with, so it would be my kid.
Me: How do you know that the birthparent DIDN’T WANT the kid? It’s not always a decision of ‘want’ where adoption is concerned and/or kids in foster care…no one WANTS that to happen.
Girl: A child placed for adoption is done so because the parent doesn’t want it. And a kid in foster care is there ‘cuz they have crappy parents and were taken away.
Me: I don’t agree that a child is always placed for adoption because the parent doesn’t want it. Often, it’s done because there is no other choice…for whatever reason.
Girl: Well, I don’t want my child going to see another family when the child is mine. I don’t want the child coming back with different morals and beliefs and goodness knows what else.
Me: How do you know that the biological family wouldn’t have the same morals and beliefs as you, and still not be able to raise their kid for various reasons.
Girl: The kid is mine. I don’t want my kid to come back being told God isn’t real and coming back with scabies.
At this point, V piped in and said…whoa…this is getting heated. Girl’s face was getting red. On the inside…I felt shakey and on the verge of a) bursting into tears because this girl doesn’t CARE what my experience has been and is not open to even considering her potential kid’s needs and feelings b) getting up and leaving or c) calling Girl stupid, dumb and ignorant.
Me: So, you’re saying that if you allowed your child to visit and see their biological family and/or have an open adoption situation, that the birthfamily would send your child home with scabies? Did I just hear you correctly?
Girl: Well, I’ve heard of it before. Plus, they didn’t want the kid. That kid is mine. Especially if the kid is around 2 or younger, they won’t even remember their family. They could have access to them when they are of age, if that’s what they want. I am the mother…not the family that gave them away.
Me: I think you’re going way overboard and into panic zone saying that your potential child’s birthfamily would send the child home with scabies…are you kidding me?
Girl: It’s happened before, I’ve heard of it. I don’t want my kid being told God doesn’t exist. I don’t want my kid coming home saying to me that I am not their mother.
At this point…she goes on and on about her adopted kid being hers, not wanting an open adoption or visitation with the bio family because they will hurt the child physically, emotionally, mentally and in any other possible way. She said that she doesn’t want her child taking on the morals of their bio family. In short, she said that children don’t need their bio family and any connection is just made up. A child won’t remember their birthfamily…and what they don’t know, basically won’t hurt them.
I was SHOCKED. I was DISGUSTED. I was ANGRY. Man, I was wicked mad…but I tried to keep my calm. She just went on and on and on.
Me: Girl, can I offer you something? If you’ll give me a chance to speak, from experience?
Girl: Yes.
She said yes (which I wanted her to say so that when she went to throw it back at me that I could say…I asked you and you said yes you’d listen) but I could tell she’d already dismissed my thoughts and feelings…and experiences.
Me: I am telling you…from being adopted…from talking to adoptees and biological relatives of adoptees…there will ALWAYS be a connection between a person and their biological family. BECAUSE, it’s biological. A child doesn’t just forget about the genetic connection. Even if they have no interest in contact…the connection is there. I spent 9 months inside of my birthmother’s body. I was IN her. I was PART of her. I had siblings. I had relatives. I had her.
Girl: But a kid can’t remember that…that’s silly…
Me: I am telling you….I remember it all.
Girl: I don’t believe you.
Me: Don’t you take away my right to have my own feelings and experiences…when you have no experience in adoption whatsoever. I remember it with every fibre of my being.
Girl: *scoffs*
Me: My heart and soul remember every minute of my time inside my birthmother’s womb… I remember our immediate separation…I remember not being placed in HER arms, and instead, placed in a bassinette…with no one touching my face…kissing me…hugging me…loving on me.
Girl: Well, I don’t believe anyone remembers.
Me: I remember…I remember it all…so maybe you want to open up your mind a bit…let go of this irrational anger and judgement you have and consider the feelings of your potential children and the connection they will ALWAYS have with their biological family – good or bad.
Girl was ANNOYED with me. V was still sitting beside me…watching the convo (while everyone else was chatting with themselves…). Our convo was not with raised voices…although I wasn’t backing down…or letting this ignorant person tell ME what adoption is like…stupid know-it-all.
Me: I remember spending the first three and a half weeks of life alone in a bassinette. Every ounce of me remembers it. I really think that you need to read up on adoption…and consider for a minute that your child has a genetic connection to a mother, father, siblings and numerous other relatives…and that THAT connection doesn’t have to be bad. How can a child have too much love?!?!?!
Girl: I don’t want my child thinking someone else is their parent.
Me: You’re missing my point. A child can’t have too much love. And who’s to say that your child won’t have a birthfamily full of Christians? Who’s to say that your child’s birthmother or father made some bad choices…but are really good people? They could be an awesome connection for your child.
Girl: But they didn’t want the kid.
Me: They could have wanted the child with every ounce of themselves…but could have been not ready to take care of the child…and adoption was the best choice to make. No one places a kid for adoption (most times) because they WANT to. They HAVE to make that choice.
Girl said she didn’t want to talk anymore.
Man…I am STILL frustrated at her complete ignorance.
I was surprised at myself…in one way. How much I was advocating open adoption (which, I do believe…in the right circumstances…is always, always better for the child) and on the defense of the birthfamily. It should be clear that my relationship with my birthfamily is so very rough. It’s always been. But, I truly believe that contact with the birthfamily, where safe and beneficial, is always the best choice. And, just because a mother needs to make that decision to place their child…doesn’t make them less of a person or a mother…because of the decision. It’s absurd to paint birthmothers with this terrible brush. Seriously?! It made me sick.
I hope I made her think. I pray that she’ll set aside her own agenda and take on the one that was truly meant for her and the children that make their way into her life.
I haven’t spoken with someone like Girl, about adoption…in a very long time, if ever.
Talk about frustrating…
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
In light of my last entry...
...where I said I'd never go back to therapy ever again... I have an appointment next week with a therapist. A new one.
I don't really want to go into detail as to why I'm needing to do this right now. I'm kinda angry about it all. I just pray that this therapist is not a moron in the adoption category.
Ok...now, onto other stuff - I've got a GREAT blog entry coming up!
I don't really want to go into detail as to why I'm needing to do this right now. I'm kinda angry about it all. I just pray that this therapist is not a moron in the adoption category.
Ok...now, onto other stuff - I've got a GREAT blog entry coming up!
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