So...I have a question for you - my dear bloggers!
What would you guys think if I had an "Ask Sally" corner on my blog? Where you bloggers could ask an adoption related question...to my Sally - who has over 19 years of experience in the adoption field (working with adoptees, birthparents, adoptive families, doing placements, etc.) and get her advice? You could ask ANYTHING! I would update it about every two weeks...and you readers could also weigh in on the situation and offer your experience and advice, too! (It will be possible to ask a question anonymously and if requested, I promise I won't share ANY of your info, ever!)
Her experience and advice have been absolutely life-changing for me. Sal GETS adoption stuff...it's really quite amazing - for me - to have a conversation about my adoption issues, with her...because I don't have to explain details...or give much background. She understands on a very deep level and gives amazing advice. (She's also an awesome Christian!)
Of course, I haven't even asked Sally if she'd be game for this...but I'm having faith that if you guys are up for this, that you'll reply and let me know...and I'll make a decision based on your responses.
If you're up for this...just comment and say 'Yes'! Please comment!
(PS - thanks so much to all of you new readers for your interest in my story and for leaving me a comment! I genuinely appreciate your support and when I have a new comment, I love to check out your blogs! Your stories touch my heart. Also - Cristy! - for some reason, I cannot comment on your blog...do you know the reason for this? It's frustrating!)
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Faith
I think my faith is being tested.
As you all know, I never did hear back (or receive confirmation) from the half-bro, A. I didn’t contact him further to push for getting together (I do have his phone number and know where he works) and decided to leave it as it was and not allow it to make me crazy. Last night as I was stepping into my church class (really awesome and fun!!!), I saw his name on my Blackberry. I actually physically shook my head in a mix of frustration, ‘why now’ attitude and general ‘argh-ness’.
A’s reply said that he was sorry it had taken him so long to get back to me (even though he had initially stated he’d be free this week) and he’s been swamped at work because of this Swine Flu business (granted, he DOES work in an area where this would keep him busy) and he hopes I didn’t go to the restaurant (duh…why would I go when he never confirmed? I’m not a moron) and he is hoping to be on top of things by Friday of this week (and that means…???). As you can see, I added my two cents (with an attitude) in parenthesis.
Here’s my take on it all…and I briefly talked to Sally about this last night and told her what I’m going to write out now…
HE contacted ME. HE wanted lunch, not ME. He is the one who wants to meet and talk. He also has a Blackberry and it would have taken him all of…I dunno, maybe 30 seconds?...to politely send me an email and tell me he’s super busy at work, will be in touch the beginning of next week and offer up a couple days that might work, again, for lunch. I’m not playing this game. I played it with my birthmother…I played it with my birthfather…I played it with various biological relatives and I’m NOT playing it again.
(Sally said she was gonna get out her pom-poms.)
Now, between me getting that email and talking to Sally after class about this…the Pastor that runs our particular class, was talking about FAITH. He was saying that Faith is an action word. Faith takes action. You must actually believe something to ‘be’, if you really do have faith. Some people will say they have faith…but they won’t necessarily follow through with an action…so, really, they don’t have faith…because faith is an action word.
Faith takes work. Faith is movement. Faith is believing.
An example…we have faith in the solar system. We believe that everyday…the sun will rise…and the sun will set. We believe it. If you have faith in your life…let’s say, you need a job, you must believe that you will get a job and you must walk through those doors that open for you. You can’t just sit home and pray that someone calls you up and plops a job on your lap. You must take action.
And then…if we’re talking about having faith in God (and I am, right now…and I’m referring to my adoption situation/issues)…then that also takes action. I admit that my faith falters. I can say that it often is strong at one point in the day and not so hot at some other points. But, I do have faith that God will heal my heart…and all of the adoption issues. I have faith that He will work it out – in His own time and with His own agenda and not my own.
While in class, I was thinking…ok, then does having faith in the above mean that I should reply to A and offer up another time? Does that mean me forgiving his lack of reply and continuing eagerly and begging for another lunch time where we can hook up? Does it mean me believing that we need to get together and talk it out? Should I reach out?
But, it came to me…as I was talking it out with my Sally and while driving home in my car, I got it.
I have faith that God will heal my heart. God is going to heal all of my adoption issues…and I have faith…and I believe completely in this. (Please remind me of this when I get ready to toss in the towel, again!) I do not know what this means to God. I don’t know what His plan is. I really don’t. All I can do is follow Him and be honest…be compassionate…be forgiving and believe in Him. I don’t have to do anything but have faith in Him…and that is an action in itself.
THIS time, have faith IN Him.
I have faith that this will work itself out. But right now, my faith action in this…is to sit with it. My faith action is to believe. My faith action is to be patient. My faith action is to NOT reply to A, but to wait for him to contact me, again. I’ve always done the work…and it has turned out miserably every single time. I always make a complete and utter mess out of it when I do the work by myself. This time…I’m sitting on it.
For the first time, ever, I’m going to let Him do the work.
I have faith that He can.
As you all know, I never did hear back (or receive confirmation) from the half-bro, A. I didn’t contact him further to push for getting together (I do have his phone number and know where he works) and decided to leave it as it was and not allow it to make me crazy. Last night as I was stepping into my church class (really awesome and fun!!!), I saw his name on my Blackberry. I actually physically shook my head in a mix of frustration, ‘why now’ attitude and general ‘argh-ness’.
A’s reply said that he was sorry it had taken him so long to get back to me (even though he had initially stated he’d be free this week) and he’s been swamped at work because of this Swine Flu business (granted, he DOES work in an area where this would keep him busy) and he hopes I didn’t go to the restaurant (duh…why would I go when he never confirmed? I’m not a moron) and he is hoping to be on top of things by Friday of this week (and that means…???). As you can see, I added my two cents (with an attitude) in parenthesis.
Here’s my take on it all…and I briefly talked to Sally about this last night and told her what I’m going to write out now…
HE contacted ME. HE wanted lunch, not ME. He is the one who wants to meet and talk. He also has a Blackberry and it would have taken him all of…I dunno, maybe 30 seconds?...to politely send me an email and tell me he’s super busy at work, will be in touch the beginning of next week and offer up a couple days that might work, again, for lunch. I’m not playing this game. I played it with my birthmother…I played it with my birthfather…I played it with various biological relatives and I’m NOT playing it again.
(Sally said she was gonna get out her pom-poms.)
Now, between me getting that email and talking to Sally after class about this…the Pastor that runs our particular class, was talking about FAITH. He was saying that Faith is an action word. Faith takes action. You must actually believe something to ‘be’, if you really do have faith. Some people will say they have faith…but they won’t necessarily follow through with an action…so, really, they don’t have faith…because faith is an action word.
Faith takes work. Faith is movement. Faith is believing.
An example…we have faith in the solar system. We believe that everyday…the sun will rise…and the sun will set. We believe it. If you have faith in your life…let’s say, you need a job, you must believe that you will get a job and you must walk through those doors that open for you. You can’t just sit home and pray that someone calls you up and plops a job on your lap. You must take action.
And then…if we’re talking about having faith in God (and I am, right now…and I’m referring to my adoption situation/issues)…then that also takes action. I admit that my faith falters. I can say that it often is strong at one point in the day and not so hot at some other points. But, I do have faith that God will heal my heart…and all of the adoption issues. I have faith that He will work it out – in His own time and with His own agenda and not my own.
While in class, I was thinking…ok, then does having faith in the above mean that I should reply to A and offer up another time? Does that mean me forgiving his lack of reply and continuing eagerly and begging for another lunch time where we can hook up? Does it mean me believing that we need to get together and talk it out? Should I reach out?
But, it came to me…as I was talking it out with my Sally and while driving home in my car, I got it.
I have faith that God will heal my heart. God is going to heal all of my adoption issues…and I have faith…and I believe completely in this. (Please remind me of this when I get ready to toss in the towel, again!) I do not know what this means to God. I don’t know what His plan is. I really don’t. All I can do is follow Him and be honest…be compassionate…be forgiving and believe in Him. I don’t have to do anything but have faith in Him…and that is an action in itself.
THIS time, have faith IN Him.
I have faith that this will work itself out. But right now, my faith action in this…is to sit with it. My faith action is to believe. My faith action is to be patient. My faith action is to NOT reply to A, but to wait for him to contact me, again. I’ve always done the work…and it has turned out miserably every single time. I always make a complete and utter mess out of it when I do the work by myself. This time…I’m sitting on it.
For the first time, ever, I’m going to let Him do the work.
I have faith that He can.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
The Beach
Cornpop and I hit the beach on Saturday. The weather was beautiful – and hot! – except at the beach…where we nearly froze our feet off. But, it was beautiful nonetheless! I think we managed to sit there bundled up for almost 40 minutes! Here are some pics!
That's moi (on the left) and Cornpop. We're both squinting....and make-up-less.
Beautiful Atlantic Ocean! (I love the water!!!)
Cornpop's feet!
We had fun...as we always do on our escapades...
Monday, April 27, 2009
A Bee's Nest
When I hadn’t received confirmation about the supposed lunch with the half-bro, A, I shot off an email to him – on Friday – to ask him to confirm for this Tuesday (tomorrow!!!). He hasn’t replied in any way (and he’s the one who initiated all of this). He also let me know that he has a Blackberry…and everyone knows…emails go to your BB. So, unless he’s fallen off the face of the earth, why hasn’t he replied?!
My stomach has been in a state of craziness the past week. Between being nauseous and the (growing) pain of my ulcer (that I haven’t been able to get on top of for months now), I know this is stressing me out. My adoption stuff stresses me out…and when I’m under stress, it always causes havoc in my stomach.
I realized something today. My stomach/body/mind/heart…and adoption stuff…are comparable to a beehive. My adoption stuff = a beehive. It’s all well and good when things are calm…when nothing is bothering the nest of black and yellow bugs that sting. The bees are swimming in a honey of happiness when they can come and go without interference from the outside world. All is sweet in the hive!
However – watch out when someone throws in a smoke bomb…or a hand waving around…or an exterminator. The bees go nuts. It’s not a pleasant situation.
That’s how I feel inside.
After M (bmom) made it very clear in December that she didn’t want to have anything to do with me, I went through a lot of feelings. From grief and sadness, to anger and frustration. I went through feelings of panic and felt abandoned…AGAIN (I’ve felt this through numerous stages of this reunion process). It knocked me off of my feet. It was painful and difficult. It was bad.
After some weeks passed, I started to put the pieces back together. I began to calm down…my heart started to re-focus on the people in my life who dearly love me and support me. I started to focus on all of the blessings that God placed in my life. I began to heal. I also truly believed that THIS – my last conversation with M – was the end of my story. Not the end I necessarily wanted or planned for…but it WAS an end…and since it was mine, I needed to figure it out and live with it.
The beehive became calm again. MY beehive learned to function easily…again.
When A sent that email a couple of weeks ago, it stirred things up. I never – although I hoped for it – thought I’d hear from them again. I assumed I may hear from him or my half-sis when my bmom passed away…but I thought it was over and done with. I believed there wasn’t any hope (even though God whispered there was).
I feel like A jumped in…stirred up the bee’s nest…and then walked away. Granted, he could be busy with numerous things…and who is to say that something major isn’t happening in his life. I get that anything is a possibility (and in all honesty…from what I know of him, he’s a decent guy). But…I’m angry. The bees are angry. My stomach is angry. Not just with A…but with my birthmother…with my half-sis…with my entire birthfamily. Everything – still – is so all over the place.
I don’t think my birthfamily, or A, realize what contact (or lack of) does. I don’t think they can comprehend the anxiety and pain it stirs up. Like, seriously. Contact from them is like throwing a smoke bomb into a beehive. It throws my whole body into chaos. I don’t like it.
It’s been years and years of constant stirring up of the nest. I know that this nest is an absolute part of my life and who I am…and will be forever. I know that it’s really up to me to control the nest…I have control of catching the smoke bomb on the way in.
But, I’m just learning.
I’m going to heal from this. I know that He wouldn’t allow this to be stirred up, again, without the possibility of healing. I know that He promises healing. I know that it’s being stirred up for a reason…I’m not sure what the reason is…but He is.
And, so…here I am. Beehive and all.
My stomach has been in a state of craziness the past week. Between being nauseous and the (growing) pain of my ulcer (that I haven’t been able to get on top of for months now), I know this is stressing me out. My adoption stuff stresses me out…and when I’m under stress, it always causes havoc in my stomach.
I realized something today. My stomach/body/mind/heart…and adoption stuff…are comparable to a beehive. My adoption stuff = a beehive. It’s all well and good when things are calm…when nothing is bothering the nest of black and yellow bugs that sting. The bees are swimming in a honey of happiness when they can come and go without interference from the outside world. All is sweet in the hive!
However – watch out when someone throws in a smoke bomb…or a hand waving around…or an exterminator. The bees go nuts. It’s not a pleasant situation.
That’s how I feel inside.
After M (bmom) made it very clear in December that she didn’t want to have anything to do with me, I went through a lot of feelings. From grief and sadness, to anger and frustration. I went through feelings of panic and felt abandoned…AGAIN (I’ve felt this through numerous stages of this reunion process). It knocked me off of my feet. It was painful and difficult. It was bad.
After some weeks passed, I started to put the pieces back together. I began to calm down…my heart started to re-focus on the people in my life who dearly love me and support me. I started to focus on all of the blessings that God placed in my life. I began to heal. I also truly believed that THIS – my last conversation with M – was the end of my story. Not the end I necessarily wanted or planned for…but it WAS an end…and since it was mine, I needed to figure it out and live with it.
The beehive became calm again. MY beehive learned to function easily…again.
When A sent that email a couple of weeks ago, it stirred things up. I never – although I hoped for it – thought I’d hear from them again. I assumed I may hear from him or my half-sis when my bmom passed away…but I thought it was over and done with. I believed there wasn’t any hope (even though God whispered there was).
I feel like A jumped in…stirred up the bee’s nest…and then walked away. Granted, he could be busy with numerous things…and who is to say that something major isn’t happening in his life. I get that anything is a possibility (and in all honesty…from what I know of him, he’s a decent guy). But…I’m angry. The bees are angry. My stomach is angry. Not just with A…but with my birthmother…with my half-sis…with my entire birthfamily. Everything – still – is so all over the place.
I don’t think my birthfamily, or A, realize what contact (or lack of) does. I don’t think they can comprehend the anxiety and pain it stirs up. Like, seriously. Contact from them is like throwing a smoke bomb into a beehive. It throws my whole body into chaos. I don’t like it.
It’s been years and years of constant stirring up of the nest. I know that this nest is an absolute part of my life and who I am…and will be forever. I know that it’s really up to me to control the nest…I have control of catching the smoke bomb on the way in.
But, I’m just learning.
I’m going to heal from this. I know that He wouldn’t allow this to be stirred up, again, without the possibility of healing. I know that He promises healing. I know that it’s being stirred up for a reason…I’m not sure what the reason is…but He is.
And, so…here I am. Beehive and all.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Sometimes it's just...
...too much.
Really.
Sometimes I'm just overwhelmed and drowning in this adoption stuff. I miss my half-sis, so much the past few days...since A sent off that email to me about lunch. Sometimes it just completely knocks me over. Sally says I need to become a better 'surfer girl'. And, I do.
I know it sounds silly...but I just want to be held. HELD. I want to be squeezed. I want someone (that I trust...not some complete stranger...) to hold me. While I cry this out. I just want someone to wrap their arms around me and squeeze me tight and not let go until I'm finished. That could take awhile. Sal says, "God will squeeze you..." And, yes, He will. I know He will. But...I need arms. REAL arms. A REAL shoulder. REAL hands...to wrap around myself.
I'm having lunch next Saturday with my bro's birthmother. I know...you're thinking...what?! Where did THAT come from? (I've been wary of blogging about this - I will update more soon!) My bro hasn't had contact with her in years...and of course, when his reunion went on the fritz...so did my relationship with his birthmom, J. (We had been somewhat close.) We just kinda hooked up about two months ago...via Facebook. I have feelings of mega guilt...since my bro has nada to do with her...but it just feels right to talk with J.
To be honest, it's healing. I'm guessing, for both J and I. There isn't that bio-connection between us...since she's my bro's bmom...but yet, there IS a connection. She's a birthmom...I'm an adoptee...and we care about one another. The best part...is that honesty can flow between us...because we're not hurt by one another. I'm feeling slightly guilty, though...since my bro and fam have no clue. I do need to make it clear though...that I have not given her any info on my bro...other than he's alive and well. I don't plan on it, either. I get that he needs his privacy...I GET that. And...I'm thankful that J is just as understanding about that...because she hasn't pushed (or asked) for any info on my bro.
I haven't seen J for years. I'm really looking forward to seeing her again...and just visiting in person. It'll be interesting - I'll try to take some pics! Our convos via email have been really awesome...just chatting about anything and everything.
I'm driving to J's town...which is about an hour outside of the city. I'm hoping to hook up with another friend, for a quick visit, while I'm in the town.
And...this other friend...has really great arms to climb into...
(PS - Does anyone know if you can password protect blog entries on blogspot, like you can on wordpress and other blog sites???)
Really.
Sometimes I'm just overwhelmed and drowning in this adoption stuff. I miss my half-sis, so much the past few days...since A sent off that email to me about lunch. Sometimes it just completely knocks me over. Sally says I need to become a better 'surfer girl'. And, I do.
I know it sounds silly...but I just want to be held. HELD. I want to be squeezed. I want someone (that I trust...not some complete stranger...) to hold me. While I cry this out. I just want someone to wrap their arms around me and squeeze me tight and not let go until I'm finished. That could take awhile. Sal says, "God will squeeze you..." And, yes, He will. I know He will. But...I need arms. REAL arms. A REAL shoulder. REAL hands...to wrap around myself.
I'm having lunch next Saturday with my bro's birthmother. I know...you're thinking...what?! Where did THAT come from? (I've been wary of blogging about this - I will update more soon!) My bro hasn't had contact with her in years...and of course, when his reunion went on the fritz...so did my relationship with his birthmom, J. (We had been somewhat close.) We just kinda hooked up about two months ago...via Facebook. I have feelings of mega guilt...since my bro has nada to do with her...but it just feels right to talk with J.
To be honest, it's healing. I'm guessing, for both J and I. There isn't that bio-connection between us...since she's my bro's bmom...but yet, there IS a connection. She's a birthmom...I'm an adoptee...and we care about one another. The best part...is that honesty can flow between us...because we're not hurt by one another. I'm feeling slightly guilty, though...since my bro and fam have no clue. I do need to make it clear though...that I have not given her any info on my bro...other than he's alive and well. I don't plan on it, either. I get that he needs his privacy...I GET that. And...I'm thankful that J is just as understanding about that...because she hasn't pushed (or asked) for any info on my bro.
I haven't seen J for years. I'm really looking forward to seeing her again...and just visiting in person. It'll be interesting - I'll try to take some pics! Our convos via email have been really awesome...just chatting about anything and everything.
I'm driving to J's town...which is about an hour outside of the city. I'm hoping to hook up with another friend, for a quick visit, while I'm in the town.
And...this other friend...has really great arms to climb into...
(PS - Does anyone know if you can password protect blog entries on blogspot, like you can on wordpress and other blog sites???)
Friday, April 24, 2009
Random stuff...
1. I haven't heard back from A, re: getting together next week. I asked for confirmation today, but haven't received a reply. We'll see what happens.
2. Work has been CRAZY! busy. We're gearing up for our busiest time of the year...and going full speed ahead! I swear I need about 5 more hours in the working day. (I refuse to work more than 9 to 5!) Once we hit June...I'll be working 16 + hour days for a month.
3. My apartment is now fully unpacked, organized and clean! Yay! I must take more pics of my new condo and post 'em for all to see.
4. Speaking of pics...I'm going to try to start to incorporate more pics into my blog, to make it more colourful!
5. The weekend is supposed to be SUNNY and WARM!!! Thank you, Lord! We've had such crappy weather lately...and I'm completely a sunny kinda girl. It's gonna be 19 degrees celcius! Ok, for those of you who shudder at the thought of that *cold for you* temperature...that IS warm for here right now! I'm taking my best bud, Cornpop, on a little road trip tomorrow.
6. I got Sally the PERFECT Mother's day gift today! And, the perfect card! I'll take pics. I'm so excited!!! (I'm also hoping she doesn't read this, either...she did have the link at one point...but I'm assuming she's way too busy to read this.)
7. When I got Sally her gift...the lady offered to buff my silver bracelet that I got when I was in NC earlier this year. I purchased a silver bangle bracelet from the Billy Graham Museum/Library...and I've been wearing it daily since (Cornpop did take ownership of it for a week at one point), so it's been a bit worn in...but now it looks new! On it, is etched with, "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength." Isaiah 40:31. (I'll take a pic of it, later, and post it....and more on my visit there.)
8. I'm also excited to sleep tonight. What a wild week.
9. For those of you who read and don't comment...leave me a note, will ya? So I'll know who my readers are!
:o)
2. Work has been CRAZY! busy. We're gearing up for our busiest time of the year...and going full speed ahead! I swear I need about 5 more hours in the working day. (I refuse to work more than 9 to 5!) Once we hit June...I'll be working 16 + hour days for a month.
3. My apartment is now fully unpacked, organized and clean! Yay! I must take more pics of my new condo and post 'em for all to see.
4. Speaking of pics...I'm going to try to start to incorporate more pics into my blog, to make it more colourful!
5. The weekend is supposed to be SUNNY and WARM!!! Thank you, Lord! We've had such crappy weather lately...and I'm completely a sunny kinda girl. It's gonna be 19 degrees celcius! Ok, for those of you who shudder at the thought of that *cold for you* temperature...that IS warm for here right now! I'm taking my best bud, Cornpop, on a little road trip tomorrow.
6. I got Sally the PERFECT Mother's day gift today! And, the perfect card! I'll take pics. I'm so excited!!! (I'm also hoping she doesn't read this, either...she did have the link at one point...but I'm assuming she's way too busy to read this.)
7. When I got Sally her gift...the lady offered to buff my silver bracelet that I got when I was in NC earlier this year. I purchased a silver bangle bracelet from the Billy Graham Museum/Library...and I've been wearing it daily since (Cornpop did take ownership of it for a week at one point), so it's been a bit worn in...but now it looks new! On it, is etched with, "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength." Isaiah 40:31. (I'll take a pic of it, later, and post it....and more on my visit there.)
8. I'm also excited to sleep tonight. What a wild week.
9. For those of you who read and don't comment...leave me a note, will ya? So I'll know who my readers are!
:o)
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Purpose to the Pain
I heard back from my half-bro…and then replied. We’ll be meeting for lunch, next week. You can read the correspondence below.
I do wish, though, that this situation didn’t make me randomly burst into tears. The kind of tears that form a lump in your throat and a knot in your belly. The kind of tears that come from a deep place in your heart. A place so deep, it catches you off guard, because you didn’t even know it existed. I wish that it didn’t affect me – still – so deeply.
If you’re so inclined…please pray for me. Please pray that God will just continue to heal my heart in the way that only He can. Please pray that God can take this pain…and make it into something amazing. Something that will make me say, “It was worth going through all of that, to have ‘this’.”
I’ve been hanging on to a quote for the last two weeks. I’m unsure where it came from, but it says, “Trust that the confusion and unease of the present time are part of God’s plan for you.”
I need this pain to have meaning. If this pain has meaning…then, Lord, I will hold on. I want to be used, by the Lord. I desperately want my life, character and actions to reflect Him. But, I also desperately need my pain to have meaning and right now…with the adoption stuff…I don’t have a sense that this has any meaning whatsoever. I’m blindly trusting that the Lord has a bigger plan. That one day (soon, puhlease?!) I will be able to say…”So THIS is what You were preparing me for. Thank you, Lord!!!”
Right now, I have no clue where I am heading…and why. But, I’m here and I know that as long as my heart remains open…and willing…that He will not forsake me. He will not leave. He will love me through this. He will continue to keep awesome people on my path that will love me and support me through this. He will continue to give me grace.
As for the correspondence…here is A’s email back to me and mine to him…
A’s email to me:
Hi Laurel,
Sorry it's taken so long to respond. I haven't had my blackberry with me for the last couple of days. Unfortunately, neither today will work for a get together as I am in meetings and training on both days. Is there some time next week possibly.
I'm usually pretty flexible with lunch, so any time between 12 and 2 can usually work.
Thanks and nice to hear from you.
A
My email to A:
Hi A,
Next Tuesday (April 28th) would work for me. How about we meet at #### at 12:30 pm, on ######. I'll grab a table if I get there before you. Will that work for you?
Laurel
I do wish, though, that this situation didn’t make me randomly burst into tears. The kind of tears that form a lump in your throat and a knot in your belly. The kind of tears that come from a deep place in your heart. A place so deep, it catches you off guard, because you didn’t even know it existed. I wish that it didn’t affect me – still – so deeply.
If you’re so inclined…please pray for me. Please pray that God will just continue to heal my heart in the way that only He can. Please pray that God can take this pain…and make it into something amazing. Something that will make me say, “It was worth going through all of that, to have ‘this’.”
I’ve been hanging on to a quote for the last two weeks. I’m unsure where it came from, but it says, “Trust that the confusion and unease of the present time are part of God’s plan for you.”
I need this pain to have meaning. If this pain has meaning…then, Lord, I will hold on. I want to be used, by the Lord. I desperately want my life, character and actions to reflect Him. But, I also desperately need my pain to have meaning and right now…with the adoption stuff…I don’t have a sense that this has any meaning whatsoever. I’m blindly trusting that the Lord has a bigger plan. That one day (soon, puhlease?!) I will be able to say…”So THIS is what You were preparing me for. Thank you, Lord!!!”
Right now, I have no clue where I am heading…and why. But, I’m here and I know that as long as my heart remains open…and willing…that He will not forsake me. He will not leave. He will love me through this. He will continue to keep awesome people on my path that will love me and support me through this. He will continue to give me grace.
As for the correspondence…here is A’s email back to me and mine to him…
A’s email to me:
Hi Laurel,
Sorry it's taken so long to respond. I haven't had my blackberry with me for the last couple of days. Unfortunately, neither today will work for a get together as I am in meetings and training on both days. Is there some time next week possibly.
I'm usually pretty flexible with lunch, so any time between 12 and 2 can usually work.
Thanks and nice to hear from you.
A
My email to A:
Hi A,
Next Tuesday (April 28th) would work for me. How about we meet at #### at 12:30 pm, on ######. I'll grab a table if I get there before you. Will that work for you?
Laurel
Saturday, April 18, 2009
My response was...
Ok, so after four days of thinking and consultation with my Sally...I took her advice to accept A's offer to 'do lunch'. I was (and AM!) hesitant about doing this. It's just a difficult and awkward situation all around. However, I'm feeling in my heart that I just need to go and...
...listen.
Imagine that! Just listen!
Listening is not always my instinct. In fact, I had made up speeches in my head that I would like to say to my birthmother and my half brother, A. Y'know...the kind where you say everything that is on your mind...that includes hurts from ten years ago not just with them...but basically with everything in your life. Speeches where it gives them a kick in the gut...and gives you a bit of satisfaction, that they may hurt...just like you do.
I hadn't thought of just LISTENING until it was suggested by Sal.
But this time is different. I'm in charge...and I have a whole whack of support...not to mention I feel much stronger than I ever have before...I KNOW who I am...and I know I'll be fine...no matter what happens.
So, I will listen. I will listen with my heart open and my feet firmly planted on the ground and not with any negative intention. I will pray that God prepares my heart...and A's heart...to have this conversation. I'll listen...and then make a decision as to whether or not I'll open that door a little bit further.
I will listen, so that I may hear what I haven't been able to...before.
My response to A was short and to the point. I avoided the questions, because they don't matter right now and it's awkward...and kinda pointless. But, I responded...and we'll see what happens.
Here's my email to A:
Hi A,
I could meet for lunch on Tuesday or Wednesday of this upcoming week (the 21st or 22nd). 12:30 would work best for me and preferably at ### on ###. You can let me know if this would work for you, at this email address.
Laurel
...listen.
Imagine that! Just listen!
Listening is not always my instinct. In fact, I had made up speeches in my head that I would like to say to my birthmother and my half brother, A. Y'know...the kind where you say everything that is on your mind...that includes hurts from ten years ago not just with them...but basically with everything in your life. Speeches where it gives them a kick in the gut...and gives you a bit of satisfaction, that they may hurt...just like you do.
I hadn't thought of just LISTENING until it was suggested by Sal.
But this time is different. I'm in charge...and I have a whole whack of support...not to mention I feel much stronger than I ever have before...I KNOW who I am...and I know I'll be fine...no matter what happens.
So, I will listen. I will listen with my heart open and my feet firmly planted on the ground and not with any negative intention. I will pray that God prepares my heart...and A's heart...to have this conversation. I'll listen...and then make a decision as to whether or not I'll open that door a little bit further.
I will listen, so that I may hear what I haven't been able to...before.
My response to A was short and to the point. I avoided the questions, because they don't matter right now and it's awkward...and kinda pointless. But, I responded...and we'll see what happens.
Here's my email to A:
Hi A,
I could meet for lunch on Tuesday or Wednesday of this upcoming week (the 21st or 22nd). 12:30 would work best for me and preferably at ### on ###. You can let me know if this would work for you, at this email address.
Laurel
Construction continues!
No - I'm not an ugly blog decorator! I'm still under construction and trying to find the right layout for my blog.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
And the birthfamily returns...
Sunday evening my Blackberry started to flash as I was watching the Amazing Race on tv. This meant that I had a text message and/or an email. So, I pressed the button and then went into my email list and there it was...I had an email. But, not from just anyone... It was an email from my half-brother (my birthmother's son - who is older than me).
My first thought was, "Lord, you have GOT to be kidding me." Seriously?! Are you really taking me here...again?! SERIOUSLY?!?!
I have not replied. I have many mixed feelings and thoughts on this. I have no idea what I am going to do... I've just been sitting with it...giving it some time, so I can sort through the surface feelings and determine how I REALLY feel deep in my heart. Sometimes the TRUE feelings are hidden by surface anger and resentments. I've been praying so hard on this.
I have NEVER gotten an email from him...and I know that the only person who had my email address is my half-sister (from my birthmother, also older than me), so I know she gave it to him - she does not want to see me or speak to me. I met the half-brother in '96...but we never had a relationship.
If you're wondering about my adoption story and my last encounter with my birthmother...go back to December...when she made it very clear to me how she felt about me.
Anyway...here is the email I received. Feel free to leave your thoughts and comments!
Hi Laurel,
I know it's been a REALLY long time. How are you?
I was talking to Mom today, and she said she had lost your phone number, and would like to talk to you. Can you either call her (###) ###-#### or email me your number to give to her? I wouldn't mind having your number and email address (if there is another one besides this).
She hasn't been well, but is now getting better - again - constant struggle with her. Hopefully this time, things are under control. I'm sure you have noticed changes in her when you were talking to her. Long story. Perhaps we can do lunch some time so I can fill you in?
So, aside from that, how are you? I know it's out of the blue, and I hope you don't mind. My work email is the best to reach me at: #####. Thanks Laurel. Hope to hear from you soon.
A
My first thought was, "Lord, you have GOT to be kidding me." Seriously?! Are you really taking me here...again?! SERIOUSLY?!?!
I have not replied. I have many mixed feelings and thoughts on this. I have no idea what I am going to do... I've just been sitting with it...giving it some time, so I can sort through the surface feelings and determine how I REALLY feel deep in my heart. Sometimes the TRUE feelings are hidden by surface anger and resentments. I've been praying so hard on this.
I have NEVER gotten an email from him...and I know that the only person who had my email address is my half-sister (from my birthmother, also older than me), so I know she gave it to him - she does not want to see me or speak to me. I met the half-brother in '96...but we never had a relationship.
If you're wondering about my adoption story and my last encounter with my birthmother...go back to December...when she made it very clear to me how she felt about me.
Anyway...here is the email I received. Feel free to leave your thoughts and comments!
Hi Laurel,
I know it's been a REALLY long time. How are you?
I was talking to Mom today, and she said she had lost your phone number, and would like to talk to you. Can you either call her (###) ###-#### or email me your number to give to her? I wouldn't mind having your number and email address (if there is another one besides this).
She hasn't been well, but is now getting better - again - constant struggle with her. Hopefully this time, things are under control. I'm sure you have noticed changes in her when you were talking to her. Long story. Perhaps we can do lunch some time so I can fill you in?
So, aside from that, how are you? I know it's out of the blue, and I hope you don't mind. My work email is the best to reach me at: #####. Thanks Laurel. Hope to hear from you soon.
A
Monday, April 13, 2009
Changes...
Ok, so...I've completely lost my links section on the right of my page. Apparently I also now change my blog by editing the HTML. Oi vey. If there are any internet/html savvy readers...feel free to throw me advice/help!
Also...if you're a regular reader and you know I was linked to you...please leave me a comment so I can link you again?
*Edited to add - Nevermind! I've fixed the links!*
Hang in there with me...while my blog is under construction!
:o)
Also...if you're a regular reader and you know I was linked to you...please leave me a comment so I can link you again?
*Edited to add - Nevermind! I've fixed the links!*
Hang in there with me...while my blog is under construction!
:o)
Sunday, April 12, 2009
He Is Risen Indeed!
Today is a new day! I'm so grateful to God for such awesome blessings in my life today! In just a couple of weeks...my focus has been turned to the blessings, after being on the sadness and missing puzzle pieces for much too long. My focus is now on the awesome people in my life, the light...and my relationship with Jesus!
I hope everyone is having a blessed Easter and watch out for a new blog layout coming soon...and more regular writing!
I hope everyone is having a blessed Easter and watch out for a new blog layout coming soon...and more regular writing!
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