Awesome-ness!

Life is SO awesome. I'm speechless...really...just soaking it in.

Life is also busy! I will update soon.

The Test

Not too much happenin’ around here! Very busy at work this week, so that has been my main focus.

(FYI - I have not proofed this entry, and I normally do!)

I saw my dentist today, for a cleaning and check up. My chipped tooth was no biggie…and only needed some quick filing down which didn’t hurt whatsoever! I do, however, need two fillings. If you know me face to face…you know how obsessed I am about my teeth, keeping them flossed and brushed. I didn’t have any cavities until I hit around 25 years old…and now I have two more. The dentist says it’s just my enamel and that nothing can be done and to just keep on cleanin’ ‘em. So…as my dentist knows…I have mega anxiety over visits to the dentist. Yep. I’ve been known to cry. I can’t help it. So, we’ll do the two fillings in one visit in the very near future.

In the back of mind, I have been thinking a bit about my birthmother this week…and what – if anything – I still need to say to her. Would I have any regrets in regard to her, if she were to pass away tomorrow? This could, very well, happen. Her passing away, I mean (she has many health problems and is not well in general).

If you’re a regular reader, or have read my story from the beginning or touched on the highlights…you’ll know that I HAVE tried with M, my birthmother. Our last communication was…well, devastating, hurtful and it broke my heart.

If you know me…you will know that I care about the people in my life, very deeply. If you’re my friend – I care about YOU very much. I’m forgiving. I’m loving. I’m honest. When I love…I love with my whole heart. I don’t let go easily. If I ever ‘let go’ of someone…you have to know that I’ve worked my butt off to make the relationship work and that something big has to happen in order for me to let go and close the door. (And even then…I STILL care.)

Last night, I dragged myself to church class and quite frankly, didn’t want to be there. I was tired, hungry and just had a general poor attitude.

Pastor R began talking about the way you can choose to live your life. You can live it by Plan A – which is God’s way or by Plan B – which is My (or Your) way. It’s very easy to live by Plan B, because that’s how humans tend to bend…we rationalize the reasons why OUR way is correct. After all, when you look into the mirror, you see your own face, you are with yourself 24/7 and it’s easy to talk ourselves into (of out of) something we, as humans, want and believe we may need. We spend a lot of time and energy investing ourselves into which path we want to take.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean upon your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.”

Then…Pastor R decided to veer away from the notes and give us a tangible example and I was riveted towards him. Talk about light-bulb moments!

When we are in school…towards the end of the year/semester we write tests and exams. The teacher tests us on what we’ve learned and we either pass, or fail. Now, think about the process that happens…on the day you write your test. You go into the classroom, sit at the desk, then what does the teacher do? She hands out the tests…face down. Then what does she do? She reminds the students NOT to start until she says so. She tells you to flip it over and begin.

Once you begin…you may raise your hand and ask a question like, “Mrs. Smith, I don’t understand number three…” What does Mrs. Smith reply with? “Well, Lucy, I’m sorry, but this is a test and we’ve covered the subject material, so you’ll just have to do your best.” Of course, Mrs. Smith reminds the class that cheating is not acceptable and to keep your own eyes on your own paper. Then…once the allotted amount of time passes…Mrs. Smith announces that time is up. But, you says, “Wait, Mrs. Smith! I just need to write three more sentences on the essay question…” And Mrs. Smith replies with, “I’m sorry Lucy, but you have had enough time to write the test, there is no time left, please hand it in.”

Followin’ me so far?

If you’ve attended your classes, done your homework, made sure to study and understand whatever subject it is…one would guess you’d do okay on your test. But, your score is determined by your work.

Now, think of the teacher as God and whatever circumstances that are in your life as the subject and material you need to learn and master. Think of something that is perhaps difficult – something that you find challenging. Perhaps it’s an issue that keeps popping up in your life over and over. Are you dealing with an issue that feels like it just won’t go away? Are you dealing with painful stuff…and you wonder why it won’t ‘just go away’? Is a certain person in your life continuing to treat you in a particular way…and you wonder why, but then wonder why it’s STILL happening some years later?

As Pastor R explained…often times…when things are difficult…and we believe that God is sitting idly by and not ‘helping’ (our own assumption), he’s waiting for us to write the test. He is waiting for us to put down those answers that he has offered to us – sometimes over and over. And when we say, “Lord, where are you?!” He is silently saying, “This is your test time. I’ve given you the answers…now it’s time to write the test.” After we struggle and stomp our feet, we may begin the test and suddenly, it’s pulled away. We may say, “But Lord, I wasn’t done.” Again, He may silently say, “Time is up. You had the time to complete the test. Time is up.”

Now – don’t worry too much. Because…as you know…He will bring another round of classes and lessons and offer another opportunity to write the test and pass (in His time, not yours). But – do you notice it? Or, are you going to keep on passing up the lessons and fail the test again on try number 324? Because, He WILL give you the same test again. And He WILL give it to you for as many times as you need in order to pass it.

When things are most difficult, we can tend to doubt God and His agenda. It’s easy to think He’s not there. It’s easy to assume He doesn’t care. But the fact is…He is and He does. He’s there…cheering you on as you write the test. And, He WANTS you to pass it. In fact, these are the times when you grow the most…when God tests you.

Be quiet. Listen. To Him.

So this brings me back to M. And…because my half-bro, A, contacted me (he hasn’t since contacted me to rearrange our lunch date), I wonder if this is another opportunity to write this test.

I desperately want to do the right thing…to get IT right…now. And, I recognize that M might not be here forever…and if she – physically – is part of this test…I can’t not do this.

I still care…even if she doesn’t.

And, I think I’d rather live by Plan A than by Plan B.

Hodge Podge

Not that what I wrote in my last post is not the truth...but, I can't wait for today to be over. Seriously. Mother's Day. Get 'er done. C'mon Monday!!! (And, Monday is NOT my fave day of the week.)

I was covered today...since my eyes opened...with a feeling of just...wanting to wrap myself up and sleep the day away. I'm not sad. I'm not upset or angry. I just 'am'.

I went to church...and found it really difficult to worship Him. I love God...but I did not want to raise my hands in the air. I did not want to open my mouth and sing. I did not want to clap...or pray...or have anything to do with the service today. Such a mixture of thoughts, feelings and emotions...today.

(Granted, the pastor that gave the message today was REALLY terrible, too. I'm serious. She was REALLLLYYYY bad. I considered getting up and leaving, she was SO boring, but I wanted to go to lunch with Sally and the rest of our pew posse.)

I felt very quiet. I didn't sing. I didn't raise my arms. I didn't speak.

I did think. A lot. I could have cried a lot, too. But I didn't want to open that tap.

Lunch was a great distraction and very funny (our pew posse is wicked funny). AND!!! Sally opened her gift. :o) She loved it!

Also, I somehow - and unknowingly - chipped one of my teeth. Thank goodness it doesn't hurt...but it's sharp and irritating...and I fear it WILL hurt. (I have mega anxiety about dentists, so this will be a fun week!)

I think I'll spend the rest of the evening watching tv and trying to keep myself awake for a few more hours. I'm really tired. I feel a bit drained, to be honest. This is going to be a really busy and hectic week for me, on the work front...I'm just hoping people will leave me alone (people being colleagues who want 'stuff' from me) and that I can get some productive time under my belt and get some projects completed and off my plate.

I really wish I could make password protected posts on this blog. I feel like I'm holding back right now...on several topics.

Hodge podge of random topics...

Mother's Day

I’ve always been a ‘collector’ of mothers. I have a birthmother that gave me life. I have a mother that raised me and gave me every opportunity in life to be successful and live my life to the fullest (an opportunity I definitely would not have had, if my birthmother had kept me). I would collect aunts, teachers, instructors and basically any other person I could connect with, as mothers during my growing up years.

Then I stopped (or so I thought). I AM 30 years old, after all.

Then I had a chance meeting, last year, with a woman that I NEVER expected to have in my life. And when I say those words…I mean that I never expected that God loved me SO much, that he would put this person into my life. For me to love. And for me to be loved by. It became clear to me (over the 30 minutes or so we sat together for lunch that day, when I grilled her on adoption and spilled out my guts) at that time…that I would be adding her to my collection. But, I didn’t realize how different it would be. How different SHE would be. How different our relationship would be…from any other that I’ve ever had…in my entire life.

Sally has, most certainly, mothered me.

Possibly, more than anyone ever has.

She has nurtured me…held me…cared for me…supported me…encouraged me…prayed with me and listened to me. She has teased me, poked fun at me, laughed with me, elbowed me, shook her head at me, sprayed sunscreen on me and held my hand. But, most importantly, she has taken the time to nurture me…and our relationship. Sally SEES me. And, she doesn’t look away. Ever. She sees me. She knows me. I can’t put into words how special that is to me…to have someone that SEES the REAL me and KNOWS the REAL me and STILL loves me, regardless?! It’s special.

Mother’s Day has been – for the past 30 years – one of the most difficult days of the year, for me (after my birthday). I grew up thinking, ok…I love my mother…but I’m supposed to celebrate a day for MOTHERS…when the mother I had, first, gave me away? Passed me off? Left me behind? I was supposed to celebrate a day for MOTHERS…when I so desperately missed my first one? I desperately loved (and love) my Mother…but I also desperately loved (and love) my birthmother. It’s been difficult. So, with Mother’s Day looming in the next few days, I’ve found myself emotional.

But, this year, it’s different. It’s not going to be a dark day.

Why? Well…I’d like to say that it’s because I’m making a different choice – which I am! However, Sally is making it different.

After church class the other evening, she handed me a card and said, “This is for you to open…later.” I thought it was going to be an ‘encouragement’ card, since I’ve been struggling…and it was…but it was different… Here’s the front of it:

It says, "I know this Mother's Day may be difficult for you..." and the inside says this (and yes, my Sal's 'real name' is NOT Sally, so I've blocked it out):

She HEARD me. Finally. Someone heard me...that Mother's Day is not a big bunch of beautiful roses. At least, it's not for me. And to know that my pain around Mother's Day is heard...really, is quite healing. I'm grateful. I felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders (after I cried in my parking lot for 30 minutes!).

Sally is most definitely a 'Mama' to me. And, she's encouraged me to change how I feel about Mother's Day...because it's time for a change. It's a choice, now (although it is still painful). I'm sad that I can't celebrate with all of my mothers.

I was trying to think of something special for my new Mama...and I found a beautiful silver bangle...

I LOVE it. I had it engraved on the inside with, "Mama xo"...

I also found the perfect card...

...and the perfect bag. I can't wait until Sunday to give it to her at church!

To all of you who are birthmothers, adoptive mothers, foster mothers, mothers-in-waiting-to-adopt or biological mothers...I wish you an awesome Mother's Day. If you are an adoptee, like me, or you struggle with Mother's Day, like I have...I hope that you have a 'Mother' of some kind...in your life. Even if it's a Mama you've adopted and a Mama that's adopted you...be grateful.

Oprah Winfrey says, "Biology is the least of what makes one a Mother."

I completely agree.

Feeling Loved!

I’m feeling very loved today! Thank you, Lord!

I began the day a bit earlier than normal because I had to stop and get some blood tests. I have something going on in my body…and no idea what it is. The dr’s thought it was an ulcer, but apparently, it is not. So…now the dr is getting a bit more concerned…since my symptoms seem to be worsening and I’m not responding to tummy/ulcer meds. I’m waiting to get a CAT scan so they can check out my liver, pancreas, and all of the other internal organs in my body. This will NOT show an ulcer…however, it would show anything else – so this is good! Here’s to believing that the blood tests will come back clear…that I’ll get a quick appointment for a scan and that THAT will come back clear, as well (and this pain will heal on its own)!

I know that I said my heart is heavy. And, it has been. Last night was difficult. I had some heavy words with the Lord…and then I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. I scrubbed the tub/shower, toilet, floors, kitchen, bedroom…anything that could be dusted/scrubbed/swept/mopped and/or vacuumed – WAS! I do my best thinking while I clean. I did not sleep well, again, last night, 'tho.

But it changed this morning…when love shot my way in many directions.

1. My pal, Julie, commented here and left me some love and encouragement…and I know she’s praying for me – I feel it – thank you, J! (She’s a ‘mother-in-waiting-to-adopt’ and even though she and her sweet man only found my blog recently, there’s a connection and I kinda feel like I’ve known her for awhile. I’m also secretly hoping she’ll make her blog ‘open’ when she’s more comfortable – because she and her hubby are AMAZING people that will make even more AMAZING parents!)

2. I shot off my Sally a quick email this morning while sitting in morning traffic, to see if she’d have any time to see me today or tomorrow, if I dropped over to her office. I just felt like I needed some Sally time, to make sense of the stuff weighing on my heart. She’s only, really, ‘over the hill’ from me – distance wise…because we both work downtown, but I don’t like to drop by without checking it out with her. As usual, she always makes time for me and today was no different. So, I popped over around noon for a quick chat and pep session. We power-chatted for about 20 minutes…then we prayed on it. She gave me homework, we hugged (she’s the best hugger!) and she sent me on my way.

THEN!!!

3. I get back to my office…just settling in and looking at the piles of work and files on my desk…and the main line rang…my admin assistant transferred over a call to me, and guess who it was?! Guess!!!! It was my Victoria – from ‘Love is not a fight’! Check out her blog, it’s linked here and you can also find the link under my fave blogs category. I was SO excited to hear her voice! Finally!!! How awesome to get to chat with my fave adoptee and sweet friend?! I can’t explain how much her blog, our chats and emails have meant to me…because she very much gets everything ‘adoption’, when it comes to being an adoptee and sorting through reunion. She’s also an awesome Christian and I just heart her. It was so great to finally talk with her and hear her voice.

Then my best bud, Cornpop, called and we had a little chat, making hang time plans for tomorrow night. We also had a giggle, too, because Victoria was mistaken, by my admin assistant, as ‘Cornpop’ just a few minutes earlier.

Ok…and now I’m heading out to dinner – momentarily – with two of my close girlfriends. We haven’t spent much time together in quite awhile…so it will be awesome to catch up. Then, I’m heading home to upload some pictures…and I have a huge Mother’s Day post (with pictures) coming tomorrow!

I hope that you are all as blessed as I am.

I hope that you all feel as loved as I feel…today.

All I Can Say...

My heart is heavy this week...for many reasons, which I fail to have words for...

There are no words.

I am just praying for a bit of peace...a little relief and room to breathe.

The weight of it...please, Lord, take it.

This song touches my heart...it's called All I Can Say (click here to go to youtube and hear the song). The lyrics are perfect. It is by the David Crowder Band. The lyrics are as follows...

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
That's my everything

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
That's my everything...

Yawn!

I am mega tired today – I had a really difficult time getting out of bed this morning. Didn’t get much sleep last night and I’m feeling a tad bit drained from the weekend. I’m very much looking forward to bed tonight.

I’m also looking forward to the piece of tuna pizza I made last night that is sitting in my fridge at home. Why did I not pack it for my lunch today…I’ll never know. I took pics of it last night – I’ll post ‘em soon – the pizza turned out awesome and was super tasty! To be honest…the reason why I made the tuna pizza, is because I briefly turned on Celebrity Apprentice on Sunday evening…and I guess the teams had to create a tuna radio jingle/commercial. I don’t watch the show regularly…but both jingles were pretty creative…and, it made me crave tuna! My kitty enjoyed it, too, since I let him lick out the can.

I have a ton of work to get completed this afternoon…things are gearing up and my plate is very full (and disorganized!). I need to get organized…and get movin’.

But first, I need to figure out my lunch situation.

I’m feeling kinda bagel-ish.

Church (or as Cornpop calls it, 'Jesus') class tonight!

Together, Again.

I'm still rolling today's visit around in my mind and heart. I don't know that I even have words right now to describe the emotions and feelings that today brought. Comfort, understanding and love, are just a few.

For now...here I am with my J, after (much discussion on how long it's been - she said 4, I said at least 8 and one of her daughters remembered exactly) 12 years! --->

And her sweet little gift (her words were, "You can keep this on your desk and when you look at it, you can say, 'Oh, J is thinking of me!'") for me --->

Guilty...

There has been a bit of heaviness on my heart today. Of course, it could be the crappy whether today, too. I do much better in sun. But...there's something else weighing me down...

...I'm having lunch with my brother's birthmother - J - tomorrow.

I feel guilty.

They haven't seen one another for years...or for that matter, haven't had CONTACT for years (I'm talking 10 years at least...). His bmom has sent him cards...but he either doesn't open them...or he does and hasn't replied. Now...I 'get' him not replying. That doesn't bother me...and I understand that he needs to deal with his birthfamily in the way that is right for him. I know some of the reasons why their reunion was put on the back burner...and I'm on his side on a few issues that he's had with his birthmother.

But...I feel like a traitor. I feel guilty for having contact with her. He's my brother. J's not even a relative...really...of mine. (Although...J IS my brother's birthmother...so, would that not make her somehow a relative of mine? If so, what would you call her?)

She and I were in contact via Facebook a few months ago, I guess it's been now. And, to be honest...it's been great. There's something oddly comforting about her and our conversations. To add to it, our conversations have basically had nothing to do with my brother. In fact, I've made it clear that I will not give out my bro's details...other than he's well, has his own house and is happy. J is perfectly okay with this. She hasn't pushed...no pressure on her part...although she has told me she misses him and so badly wants to know how he is and would love to have him in her life. But on me...she has put no pressure.

Instead, she's listened to me...a lot...spewing out my adoption situation stuff and has given me support and encouragement. She's updated me on what she's been up to and how her four other kids (now young adults) are doing. And, we've talked about God, religion, moving, life, jobs...and a bunch of other stuff.

I feel a connection with her. The same connection I felt when I first met her. The same connection that I felt when I shyly sat on my bed when I was in highschool (wanting desperately to find my own birthmother) while she sat in a rocking chair across from my bed. The same connection that I felt when we were trying to find some common ground...other than the fact that SHE had given birth to MY brother. There was something there. I was an adoptee and she was a birthmother. Regardless of her being my bro's bmom, we still held those two titles - which connected us in a strange way.

But lemme tell ya, folks...I feel guilty. Guilty, guilty, guilty.

I feel like I'm being a traitor...for talking to her, when my brother won't. Despite the fact that I do refuse, and will refuse (and J is ok with this) to give out his info without his permission. I AM being protective of him. This is a sisterly duty...right? I'm fulfilling the job of a sister...right? Protecting him? Defending him?

But what about me? Is it ok to find comfort in a relationship with J? Is it ok to meet her for lunch and chat via email?

My gut tells me YES. But, dude, what is this guilty feeling about?!